May 31, 2010

Hit with a 2x4...well, not really, but it feels like it

Ok, so I haven't posted in quite some time. And this may be my last post again for quite some time. Things are...not good for me right now., that's not really true. Well, it is and it isn't. Yes, I know, I'm being confusing as hell. Welcome to my world.

I'm working on...well, everything. My life ha pretty much gone to sh*t lately. The kids have been out of control (this is not a new thing, but it's something I've got to get under control and quickly), I still can't find a job, and I was just informed that my relationship is pretty much in the toilet. Not that I hadn't suspected that for some time, but to have it confirmed really hurt.

We're not giving up...not yet. I refuse to give up. I'm willing to do everything and anything I can to save this. I love him, I want to be with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I think I've made that clear to him. He...well, he still loves me. Right at this moment, I think that's about all that's going for us on his end. This is all stuff that I am pretty certain we can work out, if he wants it to work out. He says he does, and I'm hoping he's not lying.

Of course, these problems are not his alone. They are mine as well, and quite honestly, they are probably mostly mine. I have major issues from my past. I can never open up and let anyone in when it really counts. I back off and try to hide myself away, so that when the hurt comes, it's hopefully less intense, and with the hope that they will never know just how much they've hurt me. The problem with this is that I don't just become an emotionless robot, I completely shut down. All I can think about is what I think is about to happen, but since I don't want to let that show, I just totally shut down. I don't talk about anything, I don't do anything, I can't focus, I can't think about anything other than the pain I think is about to happen.

In case you never knew, this does not work in a relationship. Especially when the other person gets frustrated with you, and backs off, thereby unintentionally confirming your fears, which makes you shut down more, which makes them back off more, and so on and so on. You see why my life is such a disaster now? Yeah.

We've talked about a lot of this. I don't know if he really understands where I'm coming from when I try to explain this. But I'm not sure that he really NEEDS to understand. Because I've come to the very clear realization that I just can't do that anymore. I have to open up, I have to let him in, no matter how much hurt I might be risking. I have to believe in him, in US, or we will be nothing but one more failed relationship in each of our pasts. I don't want to be just another ex-girlfriend that he tells a future girlfriend or wife about. I want to be his girlfriend...someday I want to be his wife. I don't know for sure if he knows I want that, and if he doesn't, I'm not sure right now would be the time to tell him. The point here is that I know what I want from him, from us, and I also realize that if I don't change the way I react to things, the way I interact with him, not only will I never have what I want, I won't have him.

I've realized now why pretty much all of my relationships have been such miserable failures. With only one notable exception, I've never let anyone in, and when they got frustrated with not being able to get me, to get TO me, they've given up and either broken up with me, or behaved in such a way that they knew I would break up with them. The only exception to this being my former husband. He was the one person that I DID try to let in, which probably reinforced my reluctance to do so, since I got so badly burned by that.

I trust D. I trust him not to cheat, I trust him not to lie. I think he has told me a few little lies lately, in an effort to protect my feelings, or maybe just to avoid an argument, I'm not really sure. But I can't really say that I can hold those against him, since in truth, my resistance to talking to him about this problem, could probably be construed as a lie itself, so I suppose I have no room to be upset. And I can understand why he would do that.

I'm coming to realize that if I trust him, if I love him, if I want to be with him, then I have to BE WITH HIM. I have to stop hiding, stop trying to protect myself, stop waiting for that inevitable shoe to drop and crush me beneath its heel. I have to risk that pain, risk that crushing blow, otherwise we'll never have anything together. If I get hurt in the end, so be it. That whole "better to have loved and lost" and all that. He's the first man to make me believe that's true.

He's also the first man I've ever truly loved. I've thought I've loved before. I had feelings that came very close to love, I think. I've had relationships that ended painfully, that left me crying and heartbroken. I've had a marriage that left me broken, period. I thought I'd fixed myself, thought I'd figured out how to live my life after that. I realized last night that that is so far from the truth it's not even a joke. When D told me that he thought us breaking up was inevitable, my heart literally stopped beating in my chest for a moment. The thought of being without him...I seriously thought it would kill me. I love my children, I would give up my life for them, I'd do anything for them. And I suddenly realized, when we had that conversation, that I've said the same about D, and that I really do mean that. And if I really do mean that...then I have to do it. I have to be willing to do anything to make this work.

The biggest problem he seems to have with me is that he thinks I don't talk enough. I tried to explain to him that it's that whole "shut down" thing, and again, I'm not entirely sure he understands. I'm going to change that. He's giving me an idea of what he would want to talk about, so I'm going to start doing some research and find things that fit those topics to talk about. He's agreed to start bringing topics up, and I will ask questions and we will discuss those things. He says he'll try to stop backing off. Whether he does or not, I will force myself not to shut down. I will force myself to stay open, and to keep talking, and hope that that will make him stop backing off.

Well, actually there's one other thing that really bugged him. A website I belonged to that he felt was really stupid and annoyed him to no end, it seems. I gave it up for him. It's a site I've belonged to for years, but I gave it up to show him how serious I am about making this work.

I will make sure that he gets more of me than anyone else ever has, with the exception of my children. In some ways, I think I've already done that. I know he's had more of me than my former husband, the man I share two children with. But I'll give him more. I'll make sure he gets all of me, even the things that I'm scared to share or that I've never shared with anyone else. I'll expand my interests to include things he's interested in, and talk to him about those things.

I'm going to risk getting hurt. I'm going to risk having my heart broken again, this time by someone I truly do love, in the hopes that it will save our relationship and I WON'T get hurt. He says he loves me, and I'm just going to have to trust that and believe in that and hope that that is enough until we get the rest back. And I have to believe that we WILL get the rest back. There is no other option here. I guess the rest is up to him.

As for the kids...with the ADHD, they've always been more rambunctious and wild than typical kids, but for years we had it under control. Things got a little crazy for a while, and then their doctor introduced me to a discipline system that she thought worked really well for kids with ADHD. And it did. It worked wonderfully.

And then I broke my ankle and for whatever reason, let the discipline go out the window. And I haven't gotten it back yet. That's going to change. I'm restarting the discipline program, and going to get them under control. I don't know how long it will take, it would certainly go faster if we didn't have to live with my parents who unintentionally (at least I hope it's not intentional) undermine me and try to impose their own discipline which just doesn't work.

So, as to why this may be my last post for a while...well, I'm going to be busy searching for things to talk about, trying to salvage my relationship, and get my kids under control, and I just don't know that I'll have a lot of time for this. I'll try to update every now and then and let you know how it's going, but we'll just have to see. Keep checking in, though, since I don't know when I'll be posting.