My Life After Kids

Update and a change....

2010-07-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

Well, no update actually. I've moved this blog so that it will be under the email address I actually use, so I don't have to keep signing in and out all the time. So...to continue reading my blog, just go to

http://ilovemyinsanelife.blogspot.com

and you'll see everything there that was here...along with any new posts I make.

Thanks for reading!

Yet another update...

2010-07-14T22:18:00.000-04:00

So, things are better and worse, depending on the particular thing.

We got the boys off the meds and totally on the herbal stuff. They seem to be doing pretty well on the herbal...about the same as on the meds. I think the true test will be once they go back to school next month, although I must admit to some trepidation about that.

As for D and I...we're doing a lot better in our relationship. Other things, not so well. He lost his job last month, and only just found a new one this week. None of it was his fault, but it made things very tough and tense for a while. They're better now, though. And, we still have another potential job in the works, one that actually provides a job for both of us. It's an apartment complex management deal, looking for a couple. Provides an apartment, paid utlities, 3 weeks vacation, and a salary. Ideal solution to all our problems, so we're really hoping. Keeps him home, too (as does the job he just found), which is a plus in my book. I love seeing him every day, although if he did have to go back on the road, I'd deal as I did before. But, as horrible as the whole situation has been, one good thing that seems to have come from it is that it really helped our relationship. Having this time together, being able to see each other and talk and just be close has really helped bring us closer. We're doing so much better than we have been.

Tomorrow, I'm visiting a couple of assisted living places nearby. D's father is older, and thinking it might be time. I told D, because he has to be to work at 4:30 in the morning, that I would check a couple of places out and get some info for him. We're not making any quick decisions on that, because if we get the apartment deal, we'll be relocating about an hour away from where we are now. His dad would like to be closer, so we want to wait and be fairly certain of where we're going to be before we move him and try to get him settled somewhere.

My family isn't doing so well, either, at the moment. One of my uncles (well, my dad's uncle actually), has cancer. He's had it for a couple of years now. He keeps going into remission and then it returns. Now he's to the point where he has to have frequent chemo, and he's been told that if he doesn't get it, he will die. This is the only brother my grandmother has left, and she's 80 years old, so this is particularly heartwrenching. I'm very afraid of what may happen to her if he dies. I fear she may fall into a major depression, which at her age and with her health, will be very bad for her. As if that weren't enough, my grandfather's brother had to have open heart surgery...I believe it was last week, maybe the week before. They wanted to inject a dye into his veins and arteries to check for blockage, and couldn't even do that. They immediately scheduled the surgery. He came through it fine, but he needs to lose about 75 lbs and change his diet, and that's just so they can do another surgery to finish trying to fix what's wrong with him.

Writing all this has made me realize...I'm old. lol Sounds silly, I know. But honestly, this made me realize it. I'm sitting her writing about all the people in my family who might die and how I'm looking at assisted living facilities for my (I hope) future father-in-law. This is not the kind of thing young people do. This is what grown ups - old grown ups - do.

Oh, one last little update: Hell has officially frozen over. Yes, it's true: my ex has made his first child support payment in 4 years! It's not the full amount, but it's a start. Do I think he's changed? No, not really. But if he's willing to make an effort, I'm willing to be open minded and see where it leads. I did get a letter a few weeks ago that he was requesting a modification of child support. And I was pissed, trust me. I had every intention of hauling his ass back into court and having him held in contempt and pushing hard for an increase. But now that he's done this...while I doubt he's changed, and I doubt it will last, I'm still going to keep an open mind and see what happens. Maybe, just maybe, he's finally grown up and will step up to the plate.

So, that's about it for now. I'm going to try to post more often now that things seem to be starting to smooth out around here.

Remind me NOT to be my parents when I grow up!

2010-06-22T13:22:00.000-04:00

I love my mom and dad to death, I really do. But living with them makes them...annoying. All in one evening, my mom managed to make me feel like a crappy cook, and my dad managed to make me feel like a crappy mom. Neither of them deliberately intended to do that, I think, but they succeeded fabulously anyway. Part of that could also have been because D was leaving last night, and so I was kind of in a miserable mood anyway.

Yes, D was home again. Got home Thursday, left last night. We are...better. Still not good, exactly, but better than we were, and we keep getting better. We're talking more, about us and what's wrong with us and how we can fix it. I'm not getting into any details on here, it's all very personal. But we both realize that we have our own complications that are contributing to the mess that is our relationship right now, and that we both have to work on changing/fixing our complications. Some are easier than others to handle, and some take longer than others, but I think, as long as we both continue to try and as long as we still love each other (which we do!), we'll be all right eventually.

The kids are out of school for the summer, and have been for about 2 weeks now. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm about ready for them to go back. Ok, not really, but there are moments when I would give anything for a little break. D and I took them to Orlando for the afternoon on Friday. There's this really interesting store down there that carries...well, everything. Literally. They have this huge variety of different things, just kind of thrown in there randomly. It's actually quite cool. D could spend days there, I think and never get bored. And now, so could the boys. We stopped and had lunch on the way down. That part was...well, not so much fun. The guy taking our order kept asking the same questions over and over, clearly not listening to us. Then we all went to the bathroom, and discovered no soap in either of them. Think about this for a minute. The same bathroom the employees use...and no soap. All together now: EWWW!!!!

We're spending lots of time in the pool. The kids brought home a little card from school that gets them 2 free games of bowling every weekday during the summer. I paid for a family pass so that I can bowl with them. All we have to pay for is shoe rental, so that's a nice little thing we can do every now and then. And we're hopefully going to get together with a few different friends and their kids at local parks or whatever. We did have tentative plans to get together with a couple of my friends at a lake house belonging to one of the friend's friends. But...the lake is now teeming with bacteria, so no swimming. And if I can't swim in it, I don't see much point to going to the lake.

So...aside from last night, life is getting better. D and I are doing ok, the kids are doing pretty good. I'm trying them on some herbal stuff to see if I can get them off the meds for the ADHD. I am not happy with the meds, I feel it's too intrusive in their systems, and there's just too much that's unknown about what it might be doing to their bodies. I could try switching them to something else, but that's not any better. So, D and I discussed some various herbal remedies and we got them and are now trying them out. In the next day or two, I'm going to stop the meds and just go with the herbal and see what happens. Wish me luck.

Oh, and C got his FCAT scores in the mail last week. He scored above grade level all the way! Even in math!! That made me so proud of him. Knowing that even though he struggles with math, he's still above grade level eases my mind. I think he put too much pressure on himself and then I put even more pressure on him and it just made things worse. Having seen these results, I'm hoping that we'll both ease up next year and he'll do better.

Well, that's about all that's going on right now. I'll try to keep updating, but I have little time to do much of anything these days, with two little boys constantly asking can we go outside, can we go outside, can we go outside? You know how if you say a word too many times, it starts to lose its meaning and not even sound like word anymore? Yeah, the words "can we go outside" have reached that point.

Quick update

2010-06-08T20:35:00.001-04:00

Well...things are far from perfect, but they are improving. D and I are talking more. We're definitely not where we used to be, but I don't think we're quite as close to falling apart as we were. I think we've managed to move back from that cliff. I'm feeling closer to him than I was before, and that's making a huge difference for me. I think he's really trying on his end, too, and that also makes a huge difference for me. When I believe he's trying, it makes me want to try harder.

The kids...we're getting there. School's about to be out for the summer, so I guess we'll see how things go. D and I had been discussing trying the boys on some various herbs for their ADHD, which I have ordered. I am now waiting for them to arrive so I can try the boys on them and see how they do. We agreed they have to come off the meds slowly, and that if the herbs don't work, we'll put them back on the meds. But I'm really hopeful the herbs will work, and D is confident they will.

We found a few different houses (well, I found them, since he's on the road) that we think will work. Yes, we are still planning to move in together. Another sign that we're getting better, I hope/think. One house is absolutely ideal, because it is 2 houses down from my parents. So the kids would be in the same school, same neighborhood, and still be able to see their grandparents on a very regular basis. Doesn't get any better than that. Let's hope D and I can get it. It also would be great because even though D wouldn't be able to park the truck at home, he would at least be able to continue parking it where he does now. No need to find a new place to park.

School's out tomorrow. One last half day and they're free. Which means Mommy is imprisoned. Ok, not really. Actually, I have various plans in the works with several different friends. Hopefully that'll keep us pretty busy and get us out of the house frequently. Between that, and when D gets home, hopefully we should find plenty to do so I won't have to hear a lot of "Mom, I'm bored!" over the next two and a half months.

So...that's what's up right now. I'll come back when I can and keep you posted. For now, things are ok and getting better, so just keep hoping for us on all fronts.

Oh, and just for laughs:

J: Mom, how old are you?

Me: I'm 31.

J: Wow! I'm never gonna be that old!

Thanks, son. I'll remember that the next time you want me to get you a cookie or something:

Me(quavering old woman voice): I'm sorry, J. I'm too old to get you a cookie.

Hit with a 2x4...well, not really, but it feels like it

2010-05-31T16:52:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I haven't posted in quite some time. And this may be my last post again for quite some time. Things are...not good for me right now.

Well...no, that's not really true. Well, it is and it isn't. Yes, I know, I'm being confusing as hell. Welcome to my world.

I'm working on...well, everything. My life ha pretty much gone to sh*t lately. The kids have been out of control (this is not a new thing, but it's something I've got to get under control and quickly), I still can't find a job, and I was just informed that my relationship is pretty much in the toilet. Not that I hadn't suspected that for some time, but to have it confirmed really hurt.

We're not giving up...not yet. I refuse to give up. I'm willing to do everything and anything I can to save this. I love him, I want to be with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I think I've made that clear to him. He...well, he still loves me. Right at this moment, I think that's about all that's going for us on his end. This is all stuff that I am pretty certain we can work out, if he wants it to work out. He says he does, and I'm hoping he's not lying.

Of course, these problems are not his alone. They are mine as well, and quite honestly, they are probably mostly mine. I have major issues from my past. I can never open up and let anyone in when it really counts. I back off and try to hide myself away, so that when the hurt comes, it's hopefully less intense, and with the hope that they will never know just how much they've hurt me. The problem with this is that I don't just become an emotionless robot, I completely shut down. All I can think about is what I think is about to happen, but since I don't want to let that show, I just totally shut down. I don't talk about anything, I don't do anything, I can't focus, I can't think about anything other than the pain I think is about to happen.

In case you never knew, this does not work in a relationship. Especially when the other person gets frustrated with you, and backs off, thereby unintentionally confirming your fears, which makes you shut down more, which makes them back off more, and so on and so on. You see why my life is such a disaster now? Yeah.

We've talked about a lot of this. I don't know if he really understands where I'm coming from when I try to explain this. But I'm not sure that he really NEEDS to understand. Because I've come to the very clear realization that I just can't do that anymore. I have to open up, I have to let him in, no matter how much hurt I might be risking. I have to believe in him, in US, or we will be nothing but one more failed relationship in each of our pasts. I don't want to be just another ex-girlfriend that he tells a future girlfriend or wife about. I want to be his girlfriend...someday I want to be his wife. I don't know for sure if he knows I want that, and if he doesn't, I'm not sure right now would be the time to tell him. The point here is that I know what I want from him, from us, and I also realize that if I don't change the way I react to things, the way I interact with him, not only will I never have what I want, I won't have him.

I've realized now why pretty much all of my relationships have been such miserable failures. With only one notable exception, I've never let anyone in, and when they got frustrated with not being able to get me, to get TO me, they've given up and either broken up with me, or behaved in such a way that they knew I would break up with them. The only exception to this being my former husband. He was the one person that I DID try to let in, which probably reinforced my reluctance to do so, since I got so badly burned by that.

I trust D. I trust him not to cheat, I trust him not to lie. I think he has told me a few little lies lately, in an effort to protect my feelings, or maybe just to avoid an argument, I'm not really sure. But I can't really say that I can hold those against him, since in truth, my resistance to talking to him about this problem, could probably be construed as a lie itself, so I suppose I have no room to be upset. And I can understand why he would do that.

I'm coming to realize that if I trust him, if I love him, if I want to be with him, then I have to BE WITH HIM. I have to stop hiding, stop trying to protect myself, stop waiting for that inevitable shoe to drop and crush me beneath its heel. I have to risk that pain, risk that crushing blow, otherwise we'll never have anything together. If I get hurt in the end, so be it. That whole "better to have loved and lost" and all that. He's the first man to make me believe that's true.

He's also the first man I've ever truly loved. I've thought I've loved before. I had feelings that came very close to love, I think. I've had relationships that ended painfully, that left me crying and heartbroken. I've had a marriage that left me broken, period. I thought I'd fixed myself, thought I'd figured out how to live my life after that. I realized last night that that is so far from the truth it's not even a joke. When D told me that he thought us breaking up was inevitable, my heart literally stopped beating in my chest for a moment. The thought of being without him...I seriously thought it would kill me. I love my children, I would give up my life for them, I'd do anything for them. And I suddenly realized, when we had that conversation, that I've said the same about D, and that I really do mean that. And if I really do mean that...then I have to do it. I have to be willing to do anything to make this work.

The biggest problem he seems to have with me is that he thinks I don't talk enough. I tried to explain to him that it's that whole "shut down" thing, and again, I'm not entirely sure he understands. I'm going to change that. He's giving me an idea of what he would want to talk about, so I'm going to start doing some research and find things that fit those topics to talk about. He's agreed to start bringing topics up, and I will ask questions and we will discuss those things. He says he'll try to stop backing off. Whether he does or not, I will force myself not to shut down. I will force myself to stay open, and to keep talking, and hope that that will make him stop backing off.

Well, actually there's one other thing that really bugged him. A website I belonged to that he felt was really stupid and annoyed him to no end, it seems. I gave it up for him. It's a site I've belonged to for years, but I gave it up to show him how serious I am about making this work.

I will make sure that he gets more of me than anyone else ever has, with the exception of my children. In some ways, I think I've already done that. I know he's had more of me than my former husband, the man I share two children with. But I'll give him more. I'll make sure he gets all of me, even the things that I'm scared to share or that I've never shared with anyone else. I'll expand my interests to include things he's interested in, and talk to him about those things.

I'm going to risk getting hurt. I'm going to risk having my heart broken again, this time by someone I truly do love, in the hopes that it will save our relationship and I WON'T get hurt. He says he loves me, and I'm just going to have to trust that and believe in that and hope that that is enough until we get the rest back. And I have to believe that we WILL get the rest back. There is no other option here. I guess the rest is up to him.

As for the kids...with the ADHD, they've always been more rambunctious and wild than typical kids, but for years we had it under control. Things got a little crazy for a while, and then their doctor introduced me to a discipline system that she thought worked really well for kids with ADHD. And it did. It worked wonderfully.

And then I broke my ankle and for whatever reason, let the discipline go out the window. And I haven't gotten it back yet. That's going to change. I'm restarting the discipline program, and going to get them under control. I don't know how long it will take, it would certainly go faster if we didn't have to live with my parents who unintentionally (at least I hope it's not intentional) undermine me and try to impose their own discipline which just doesn't work.

So, as to why this may be my last post for a while...well, I'm going to be busy searching for things to talk about, trying to salvage my relationship, and get my kids under control, and I just don't know that I'll have a lot of time for this. I'll try to update every now and then and let you know how it's going, but we'll just have to see. Keep checking in, though, since I don't know when I'll be posting.

Just....blah

2010-04-19T09:18:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling very....blah lately. I don't know that depressed is quite the right word for it, but I suppose it might be close. I have no real idea why I'm feeling like this. I know of a couple of things that have happened that could contribute to me feeling down, but I'm not sure to this extent.

I've kind of started to feel...disconnected from everything, from everyone. It's kind of hard to explain. It's not a completely disconnected feeling, more like...like I'm out of sync with everything. Almost like I'm a step behind, or maybe I'm a step ahead. I can't really tell.

The kids had Spring Break. We didn't go anywhere, just hung out at home. But they got to spend pretty much all day, every day outside. That thrilled them to no end. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. The weather is still beautiful; and now that it gets dark later, they are getting to spend a lot of time outside. They love it. Honestly, so do I, but if we could get rid of the mosquitoes, I'd love it even more.

I really have nothing to blog about right now. I felt like I needed to post something, since it's been a while, but there's really nothing to say right now. I feel like my life is falling apart, and I'm just not able to think of anything to do here. I know my feelings are ridiculous and not true, nothing is wrong in my life. I'm just in some stupid funk right now, and I wish it would go away.

No need for the "If all your friends jumped off a bridge" speech...

2010-04-05T22:34:00.000-04:00

So, D was home last week. It was a nice time...until an hour or so after we got home. J said he was going in the house to go to the bathroom. After he'd been in there long enough for me to suspect that he might, in fact, be getting into something, I go to check on him. The phone rings, and since there's an extension in the garage, where we were, I asked D to go check on J while I grab the garage extension. When I answer, this is what happens:

Me: Hello?

Woman: Yes, ma'am, this is the ******* county Sheriff's Department. We received a 911 call.

Me: Silence.

Woman: From this number.

Me: Uh...that's impossible. My entire family is out..."

I run up to the porch where J is in the chair and D is standing there looking at me as I come running.

Me: J, did you just call 911?

J nods.

Me: Oh my god, ma'am. I'm so sorry. My 6 yr old son got hold of the phone and dialed it. Nothing is wrong.

Woman: That's ok, ma'am. A deputy will be out to do a well-being check.

I flipped out. D kept telling me to relax, but all I could do was flip out. The deputy came, and he was very nice about it, kept telling me to stop apologizing, but I just couldn't believe J would do that.

So, when I finally calmed down enough, I asked J why he did it. His response: because my friend told me to call 911. So....we don't need to have the "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" speech later. Instead, we'll just have the "Do you remember when you called 911 because your friend told you to?" speech. I think it'll be much more effective.

On an unrelated note, I got into a debate in my mommy groups tonight. It started out as a discussion and ended up as a debate. It was a rather simple topic, and I still don't see why it turned into such a debate. Basically it was about being a stay at home mom when you are with a man who is not the biological father of your children. My opinion was that yes, I would love nothing more in life than to be a stay at home mom with my children, but that I feel very odd about the idea of allowing my boyfriend to support me and my children. I feel a sense of responsibility that makes it hard to think that's ok. It's not a new sense of responsibility, just different, than when I was with their father. When I was with SD, it was a simple matter of they were his kids, too, and it was his job to take care of them. With D, it's not like that. They're not his kids, so they're not his responsibility. If he wanted to take on that responsibility (which, I will grant, in some ways, he does), fine, but it still would feel odd to me. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it feels to me like being lazy. By allowing him to work and support me and my children, even if I am taking care of the house and all, would feel to me like I am being lazy.

The debate began, and I suppose I should mention that I use the word debate loosely, because a woman who is considerably older than I and the other mother that shared my opinion, told us we were crazy. She is 68 yrs old, and of the opinion that a man should take care of women and children, whether they are biologically his or not. Of course, the majority of her argument consists of telling us we are crazy. Another mother got into the debate by telling us we should "get over it". I just find it intriguing that these women have no issue with letting a man take care of them. As I said, I would love to be a stay at home mom, but for me, the way I was raised, I find it hard to embrace the idea of seemingly sitting back and just letting my boyfriend bust his butt to take care of us when we are not his responsibility. I don't know, maybe I do need to just get over it, but it's just how I feel.

And on that note, I'm off to bed.

Oh...where to begin...

2010-03-29T21:17:00.000-04:00

So the last couple of weeks have been...interesting, shall we say? We went to an outdoor birthday party last Sunday...and it stormed. Oh, that was fun. Kids banging away on a piñata (one that strangely enough made a metallic clanging sound if they hit it right), while all around us thunder boomed, lightning flashed, and the rain blew sideways under the pavilion roof at us. Yay!

Wednesday was a half day at school, and it was another fun day. I had a doctor's appointment in the morning, only an hour and a half before the end of school. I was lucky enough to get there early, and they were able to get me in early. But then...the boys had appointments for eye exams that afternoon. And all that time I saved in the morning...was lost. And then some. Three hours for eye exams. The only plus to that was that their eyes haven't really changed. Which is good, but also makes it all the more frustrating that we were three for THREE hours!

But, the really exciting news is: J is done with speech therapy! They scheduled a meeting for last Thursday at the school, and when I went in, they told me he'd met all his goals, and was graduating from speech therapy. That absolutely made my week. I am so proud of him. He worked so hard and tried so much to overcome the impairment and he did it. He still can be hard to understand when he gets very excited or if he is very upset, but if you tell him to calm down and tell you again, he will. He also will stop and think while he's talking to make sure he uses the right word and says it clearly. It's a technique they taught him to cope with the speech impairment, but he's really taken it to heart and it makes a huge difference to how he speaks.

They are having the World's Fair at school next month. This is something they do every year. Each classroom does a different country, and they do all kinds of little projects to display, and they learn tons of little facts about the country their class is working on, and on the night of the fair, they always learn a fact or two about all the other countries, in order to get a stamp on their "passport". It's a wonderful learning experience, both for the kids and the parents. J's class is doing the United States. His teacher always tries to get a picture postcard from each state. They almost had all of them last year. This year...well, she's going to have quite a few. With D being a truck driver, I've enlisted him to help with this little project. I figure he's the ideal person to help us get a lot of postcards. J's teacher is quite excited at the prospect. I figure J will be excited when he begins receiving the postcards.

Some of my friends at the school and I have been contemplating how to get rid of the principal. The school has gone downhill in a serious way since he took over this year. He's alienating the parents, and doing nothing for the kids. There is a substitute teacher that is terrorizing the kids, the daughter of one of my friends in particular, and the principal is doing nothing to stop it. D has offered to create a website on which we could start a petition to try to get rid of the principal. If things continue, though, I think it may come down to a bunch of parents getting together and just going directly to the school board to demand he be fired.

Well, there's other stuff going on, but I'm tired and my brain just isn't functioning right now. Oh, wait, there is this:

We were at the eye doctor, waiting for them to be called back for their exams. C had found this plant and plucked a piece off of it. While he played with it, it broke apart into several smaller pieces. C held some in the palm of his hand, came over to me, hand outstretched, and said, "Here, Mom, have some weed."

I couldn't even speak, could barely breathe, I was laughing so hard. Then, once I was under control, all I could think was that I hoped no one had heard, because how could I explain that he had no idea what he was saying, and how would I convince someone that he hadn't heard that at home? Thankfully, no one heard. But I will never forget the day my son unwittingly tried to make his first sale...by offering a sample.

I wonder if I can do it...

2010-03-11T08:05:00.000-05:00

Well, C & J's friend is back at school this week, after his surgery. I was very happy to see him, and his mom. Her and I have had a couple of wonderful conversations this week. One of which, in combination with other things, have led D & I to thinking about making some very major changes with the boys.

As I believe I've mentioned before, Caroline and I have real issues with the principal at the school. We are not the only ones. It seems there are a lot of parents that don't like him, and even a couple of teachers don't like him. Since he took control, the school has changed drastically, and not for the better. When D & I first began discussing the idea of moving in together, I was adamant that I wanted us to live in this school zone, so that the boys could continue attending this school. Now, I'm not so sure.

The people in the offices have gone from being friendly, happy, kind and always helpful to cold, distant, and acting as though you are interfering with their day by coming into the school. As a parent, I do occasionally have cause to go to the school: a meeting regarding J's speech therapy (more on this later!), the book fair, a question for the teacher regarding homework, a conference to assess how the kids are doing. All valid reasons, in any reasonable person's opinion. But if you come in to this school, they would look at you like you came in and asked what color the sky is.

The kids can't talk in class. Understandable. They are there to learn, to do classwork, and they can't do that if they are chatting away. But now, the dean of discipline has decided they can no longer talk during lunch. Now, parents who homeschool are always told they should send their kids to school so they can socialize. Well...if they can't talk during class, and they can't talk during lunch, when exactly are they going to socialize? On the 5 minute walk to the car?

Caroline and I joked about starting a petition to get the principal removed. It started as a joke anyway. We agreed that with our luck, he'd find out we did it and our kids would be treated even worse. But, when I mentioned it to D, he actually had some really good suggestions for how we can do it and not have the fallout be on our kids. Caroline and I are still discussing and trying to determine if we really want to do this.

Regardless of what we do with that, though, D & I are seriously considering homeschooling the boys starting next year. With as bad as this school has gotten, and being uncertain that any other school would really be any better, homeschooling is sounding more and more like a good option. We can teach the boys on their own schedule, moving them forward or sticking on a topic as needed for them, instead of as needed for the slowest kid in the class, which may or may not be C & J.

Another thought behind this is that I think a large part of C's problem is that he is bored. He is very smart, and I think he just gets bored and doesn't put forth the same effort that he would if he wasn't bored. It's something I used to do. My dad did it as well. So did D. Homeschooling would eliminate this boredom, again because we'd be teaching them at their own individual level.

They would, quite possibly, spend less time in "school" than they do now. All the research I've done so far indicates that most homeschooled kids spend 3-5 hours a day on school related things, as compared to the more than 6 hours that the boys are currently doing, and then still come home and do homework. We would be able to do fun activities that would count as school activities, such as going to the zoo, or a museum, things like that. And we could go on days when everyone else is in school, therefore finding it less busy and more fun for us.

The only real drawback we've found so far is that all indications are that I can't homeschool and work fulltime. D apparently had already realized this, but I had not. I expressed concern that we might not be able to make it on just his income indefinitely, but he says that although it would be tight, we could make it work. I trust him, and I trust his judgment, so I'm going to hope he's right.

So, now, my last hesitation is wondering if I can really do this. Not just if I can teach them the things they need to learn (which I am fairly certain I can; and what I can't cover, D can), but if I can handle basically never having a break from them. Not that I don't love them and love spending time with them. But when they are in school, I get the house clean, laundry done, and some me time. Some time during which I can watch a little TV, read a book, do a word search, play around online, and just relax a bit. That will disappear if I am homeschooling. Granted, they are old enough to help with household chores, and in all honesty, they are probably old enough to do their own laundry (or C is, at any rate). Being a stay at home mom was always my dream, and when I stayed home when C was younger, I loved it. But C was younger. He was cool to just sit on the floor or in his playpen and play with toys while I cleaned up a bit. He took naps, so I had that time to read or watch TV. No more naps, and with two of them, there's always a fight over toys and such.

Fortunately, we still have several months to do more research and discuss it before we make a final decision. I want to make sure we do the right thing. I want the boys to have the best possible education, whether that is from a public school, private school or homeschool. And I don't think that going back and forth between homeschooling and regular school is really going to provide them with the best possible education. We have to decide on one and stick with it for the long haul.

The good news, though, is that yesterday I got a Meeting Participation Form from the school. This is what I usually get at the beginning of the year when we meet to evaluate where J is and what we expect to accomplish this year with his speech therapy. The reason given on this one is change in placement. I'm very hopeful that this means they will tell me he's met all his goals and no longer needs speech therapy. He has made amazing strides over the last year and a half. He still gets overly excited and becomes hard to understand. Or if he cries, you can't really understand him. But in an average conversation, he speaks clearly now.

Things are looking up, all the way around.

Singing in the rain...er, shower

2010-03-07T21:34:00.000-05:00

So, C has developed a new...talent? hobby? interest? Something like that, anyway.

When he's in the shower, he likes to sing. I don't mean Madonna "Papa Don't Preach" type singing. I mean, making up his own songs singing. It's quite entertaining for those of us on the outside. Today's concert started out with a quiet version of "help me, help me, help me", peaked with "I'm a crocodile" and had an encore of gibberish. The last part I went and stood outside the bathroom, on the phone with D, and even D was cracking up. I was laughing so hard I couldn't even tell C he needed to get done and get out of the shower. I told D that next time, I'm going to get out the video camera and tape it. I can see it now...

C: Mom, I want to bring my girlfriend home to meet you and D. You, uh...you don't have any naked pictures of me on a bearskin rug or anything do you?

Me: No, sweetheart, no bear skin rug pictures.

Two days later...

Me: So, girlfriend, I have a video from when C was younger. Why don't we watch it?

I'm such an evil mommy. :)

So this week, C takes his first FCAT test. I'm worried, but not. I'm worried, because this is really pretty much a make or break test. I'm not because C has always done well on these types of things in the past. But I can't help but be afraid that he might freak out and not do well, and end up repeating 3rd grade over something this silly. J is taking great pleasure in reminding C that he doesn't have to take this test. Brothers...they live to torment each other.

I found myself making some rather...unusual mistakes today. Well, I don't know that I would call them mistakes, exactly, considering the direction D and I's relationship has been heading. We are moving in together, quite possibly within the next few months. But what I found myself doing today shocked even me.

I was in my mommy group (which I know I was going to leave, but it's like a soap opera...you get hooked and can't stop) and there were 3 questions that I answered this afternoon. I felt they were good questions, one that deserved honest answers. The type of question required me to speak about my relationship with D as well as my children, and I found myself referring to the boys as "our" kids. Usually, I call them "my" kids, or "my" boys, or whatever. It's always been "my", though, because SD doesn't deserve any credit for them, and I've been raising them alone. And I've answered other questions since meeting D that required me to talk about both my relationship with him and my kids, and used "my". But today, I found myself using "our". Initially, I was surprised, and even kind of thought, "what the heck did I do that for?" I even said it out loud, at which point I ended up explaining to D what I'd done. He laughed and said he'd found himself calling C "son" so he didn't think it was a big deal. Later, after I did it the 3rd time, he even said he didn't mind.

So, the first time I did it, I surprised myself. The second time I did it, it was more like, "oh, for Pete's sake, I did that again." The third time, I decided it was hopeless and I just need to accept that apparently this is what I'll be doing from now on. I'm not sure why I did it. I'm not sure what it was that made me suddenly think of them as "ours" instead of mine. I do know one thing, though. When I was with SD, even though he helped conceive them, I never ever thought of them as "ours". Even then, the boys were always "my". So...the fact that I am thinking this way about D says a lot about how I feel about him and our relationship.

It also just proves that DNA is not what makes a family, or a father. In the short time that D has been a part of our lives, he's already acted more like a father to them, without even trying, than SD has in their entire lives. They seem to have readily accepted him as a part of our lives and our family. I know there will probably be a day when they will rebel and pull the "you're not my dad" bit on him. I know there will come a day when they will probably resent him, hate him, or at the very least, make his life difficult, which means mine will be difficult. But I figure that's normal and bearable. And we'll deal with that if and when that day arrives.

It's very strange. I used to swear that no man would ever meet my kids before we'd been dating at least 6 months, and even then, only if the relationship was serious. I stuck to that rule for many years. No man I ever dated met my kids. And then D came along. And we haven't been together 6 months, but he's already met the kids, and I already can see him as their dad. We're already moving in together. The kids have accepted him and have no problems with him and I being together. And none of this feels rushed, or like a mistake, and I don't feel like I should feel guilty that we didn't wait longer for this stuff. I guess whoever said that when it's right, you'll know it, knew what he or she was talking about.

Student of the Month!!

2010-03-03T19:23:00.000-05:00

So, I go to pick the kids up today. And the teacher that runs the car rider line was running a bit behind today, so by the time we got pulled up, the kids were already waiting. The boys climb in the car, and I notice C has this red ribbon on his shirt. So I ask what it is as I lift it, and read "Student of the Month" on it. I immediately have to start driving, as the line is moving, but C starts telling me how he's student of the month, and handing me a bumper sticker, a certificate, and his coupon that entitles him to a free sundae at Sonic. Yay...an excuse for me to go buy ice cream. :)

I am so proud of him. He's come such a long way since Kindergarten and 1st grade. If you go back to some of my much older postings, you'll read about the trouble he had and the diagnosis I didn't want to get (Most of this will be found around April 2007, just to help you out a little). He had such a hard time not only with grades, but also behavior. He couldn't stop talking, couldn't sit still, couldn't focus. ADHD was truly making his life miserable. I strongly regret not getting him diagnosed sooner. I was so determined to think that my son didn't have that problem, or that I could get him past it naturally, without medication, and all I did was force my son to struggle when it wasn't necessary.

And when I look at where he is now, I am glad that I did finally give in and get him officially diagnosed and started on meds. His grades have improved, his behavior is so much better, and he is a much happier child (although he already has a teenage attitude!). He would be in a completely different place right now had I continued to try to convince myself that disagnosis and medication weren't necessary.

J, however, is very upset that is not, and has yet to be, Student of the Month. I tried to tell him to just be patient, and to remember that it took his brother until 3rd grade to get it, but J does not want to hear this. He wants to just pout and feel like he's getting ripped off somehow. Forget the fact that his grades are always through the roof, and that he's never had the behavior issues that his brother had. He doesn't want to hear any of that, because it doesn't suit his agenda of pouting and being miserable.

Sometimes I wonder about children.

D is well entrenched in his new job. He is quite the happy camper. He's getting lots of miles, he loves his new dispatcher, and sounds so much happier than I've heard him in a long time. This makes me happy, of course. I still miss him, and I still can't wait until he comes home so I can see him and hold him and touch him, but at least now I know he's not absolutely miserable and stressed beyond belief when we're apart.

Of course, he still likes to tease and torment me, so now...I'm off to plot my revenge. :)

Why my kids don't have birthday parties...and other thoughts

2010-02-27T22:38:00.000-05:00

So today is C's 9th birthday...wow, where have the years gone? I'm seriously having major issues with accepting that my firstborn, my baby, is no longer my baby, but now dwells in the realm of a land called "tweendom". My son is a tween. That's just...not right.

I had a friend ask me the other day (after she invited us to her daughter's 10th birthday party tomorrow - her daughter is 364 days older than C), why my kids don't have birthday parties. Well, it's pretty simple. One reason is that we live way out in the boonies and our current neighborhood does not contain a lot of kids around C & J's ages. Most of the kids are teens, or really, really little. Depending on where D & I eventually find a place, that may change, but that's what it is right now.

The other reason is the school policy. School policy says that you cannot invite selected, specific children to the party. It is all or none: either you invite all of the kids in the class, or none of them. And naturally, there is no real way around this.

Now, I kind of get why they do this: it sucks to be the only kid in the class NOT invited to a party. And yes, I can understand they would want to avoid the hurt feelings as much as possible, especially in this world where kids bring guns to school or commit suicide for no apparent reason. BUT...

I have more than one issue with this. One being that it's not fair. It SEEMS fair at first glance. All the kids get invited, so it makes it fair. But, it's really not fair. I mean, seriously, people that I don't know, or that I do know but don't like or they don't like me, don't invite me to their parties. And I wouldn't expect them to. I grew up getting invited only to those parties that I knew and generally was pretty good friends with the person having the party. So as an adult, I get the concept that if I don't know you, or we don't like each other, I'm not getting invited to your party, and you won't be invited to mine. I think this whole "invite all or none" policy is going to kind of screw with that. We'll have adults running around expecting to get invited to a party that the cashier at Walmart is throwing, even though they don't know said cashier.

Another issue is this: C is in the same classroom as a little boy we will call S. In Kindergarten, C & S were in the same class, and in the after-care program together. S's mother runs the after-care program. C & S were constantly, and I mean constantly, in trouble together. Every day in class, in after-care, these two were up to something. The teacher made specific notes that they were not to be put in the same class together in future. That worked...until this year. They are in the same class. And S has gone from annoying little troublemaker to full-on bully. He's been suspended for fighting. He picks on other kids, he pushes, hits, trips, kicks, slaps, smacks, punches, teases, threatens, you name it, he's done it. C realizes this kid is trouble, and wants nothing to do with him. Now...knowing that this kid is likely to try to start a fight with one or both of my boys, and has probably in some form or another abused at least one other kid in the class, who would likely be at the party, WHY on earth would I want to invite this child to my home? I mean, seriously, that just makes no sense to me. There is a person who has never met me, but doesn't like me. She's made threats. You don't see me inviting her to my home. So why would I want to invite this kid to my home?

Those are the reasons my kids don't have birthday parties. And just to clarify, it's not that they don't have parties. They do. We have a birthday dinner, where the birthday boy (or person; the adults get it too) gets to pick what they want for dinner. We have the cake of their choosing (C chose German Chocolate this year...yummy, but very very rich), ice cream (or in some cases, ice cream cake...very convenient), and presents. It's just a family thing. The kids, me, grandparents, and D when he's home for it. We keep it as a family event, mainly for the reasons listed above, but also because it's just nice to have it as a family event instead of turning it into some big, materialistic, can we spend more money then they did monster. We even have a $20 limit on the gifts. I am trying very hard to make sure that my kids don't turn into materialistic little snobs, and I think keeping their birthdays as a family event is one way to do that.

I'm not saying that my friend's daughter will be a materialist snob, my friend and her husband are much more levelheaded than that. And I know not all kids turn out that way. But so many people today seem to think that birthdays and Christmas are all about what you get and it becomes a competition to see who gets the best stuff. I want my kids to realize that these events, and all holidays like that are supposed to be about family, and friends, and celebrating an event, not spending money and getting stuff.

I am still very much in shock over this particular birthday. I'm not sure why exactly. Nine is not a milestone birthday, at least as far as I know. Next year, when he turns 10 (I really don't want to think about that!), that's a milestone. When he turns 13, or 16, or 18, those are milestones. Then of course, there's 21. Really, even 25 kind of counts. But this year, turning 9, there's nothing super special about that. And yet, more than any other birthday so far, I'm having trouble accepting it. When he turned a year, I was shocked, but I was also super excited, because it was his first birthday, so I guess the shock was kind of blunted by the excitement. I just can't believe he's 9 now.

I've reached that point where my birthday is really kind of just another day for me. The only reason I got excited this year (when I turned 31...which I would like to forget) is that D was home for my birthday. That made it special. Going out to dinner with him and spending time alone with him made it special. Otherwise I wouldn't have really cared. I'd have had my birthday dinner (stuffed shells) and cake (ice cream cake) and my babies gave me my gifts (little bath soap sets), but it wouldn't have been a big deal to me.

C was excited for his birthday. In fact, he got mad when he realized (on Thursday) that it wasn't yesterday, but in fact, today. He was ready for it.

J broke the nosepads off his glasses Thursday night. So after school yesterday, we had to go get them repaired. As I was driving home from this, with the boys fighting in the backseat, the song "Then They Do" by Trace Adkins came on the radio. I was listening to the song, and I kind of got teary, what with C's birthday today and all, and it occurred to me that their Sperm Donor not only probably doesn't remember that C's birthday was today, but probably couldn't tell you how old he turned either.

I used to feel bad that my boys had a "father" that didn't give a crap about them. I felt bad for my boys, felt that they were missing out on something. This year, I don't feel that way. Part of it is D. He's stepped in and wholeheartedly embrace the fact that my kids and I are a package deal, a ready made family. He has no issue with stepping up to put the boys in their place if they do something wrong, or doing family things with us, helping with homework, or thinking of us as a family instead of just a couple.

I've always believed in the statement that any male can be a father, but that it takes a real man to be a dad. But given that for the last 6 yrs, the only male figure in their lives was my father, I felt bad that their "father" didn't do more. My dad is great, don't get me wrong, but he's Grandpa. He does a lot for them and with them, but he shouldn't have to act as their father. So when D met my kids and easily found a relationship with them in which he steps into a somewhat parental role, and they so easily accepted him in that role, it made me fall all the more in love with him.

I've always tried to teach the boys that family isn't just about blood. I have uncles who are absolutely no relation to me at all. They are just incredibly close friends of my parents, but to me, they are uncles because I have always been able to count on them. One of those uncles was my ex's best man at our wedding; he informed my ex that if he ever hurt me, my uncle would hunt him down and kill him. He's not followed through on that threat, but that's only because we won't tell him where to find my ex, and he knows I don't want him in jail over my ex.

I have friends that I've known for years, and even when we've lost touch, I still consider them to be like sisters to me. We're just that close.

These are things I've tried to teach my sons. And to meet a man who also understands that is such a wonderful thing. It's...comforting to be with a man who understands that family is not about being able to trace a bloodline, but about love, and commitment and loyalty. And yes, I do consider D to be a part of my family now. He has become a very important part of my life, and I would do for him what I would do for any member of my family: anything. He comes second only to my kids.

Back to my original point though (if I can find my way back to it), SD made no effort to contact C for his birthday, as usual. He, I'm sure, doesn't even realize it's his birthday. And that's fine. I've finally realized that my kids don't need him, in any way, and they will not suffer in any way because he's not around. Between me, D, and my parents, they will have enough love, enough male influences, and everything they will ever need. There is nothing that he can provide for them, nothing that he can do for them, that I, D, or my parents can't provide or do. And the boys will never miss what they don't know.

One day, SD will realize what he's lost. He'll realize he missed out on the chance to be a father, to make a mark and be an influence in someone's life. He'll realize he had that chance, and that he chose to step back, and instead someone else stepped in and gladly took on that role. He'll know that another man was happy to be a dad to my sons, and loved my sons even though they weren't his blood. And SD will have to live with that. One day, he'll be a bitter, lonely old man with no one to care about him or visit him or talk to him, because he'll have chased everyone away. And he'll have nothing else to do but reflect on the fact that things could have been different, if HE'D been different.

Maybe that's why I'm having such trouble with the idea that C is 9...maybe it's that realization that C, and J as well, are growing up so fast, and that someday they will be adults and have their own lives. And all I will have left of their childhoods is memories. Maybe I actually feel a little sad that SD won't even have those memories. I don't know that I'd say I feel bad for him, but maybe...maybe it's that I know that the opportunities to make those memories are fading fast, and I want to grab hold of as many of them as I can, and as tightly as I can. And I feel...sad that he doesn't have that same urge, and won't until it's much too late.

Ok, enough depressing thoughts for one night. Off to bed.

Happy Birthday, C!

Ugh...I'm having one of those weeks, I think

2010-02-24T21:58:00.001-05:00

So my friend Caroline's son, who happens to be friends with C & J, is having surgery tomorrow. On his eyes of all things. I don't know all the details, but the basic story is that he was a preemie, something is up with his eyes, and they have to snip the muscle between the eyes. She is freaking out, and broke down in front of him the other night, which of course made him freak out. She's a very strong woman, so I know she will be ok, but I'm still worried about her.

We stood around talking for a bit this morning. Somehow, in talking about surgery, school, teachers, and bullies, the conversation came around to the fact that D & I are planning on moving in together. In the course of this conversation, I mentioned that D is a truck driver and has just changed companies. Someone else joined our conversation, but at the worst possible time. She joined just in time to hear me mention how much money D hopes to make (thankfully I gave a lowball figure, lower than he actually gave me, or I'd be in even bigger trouble right now), but not in time to hear all the whys of changing companies.

You see, he changed companies partly because they were just screwing him over in general...or I guess maybe that's the most basic explanation of everything. He was getting crappy loads, not making any money, and frequently owing them money for the "pleasure" of hauling their loads. He was buying his truck, which meant he had a truck payment to make, and was responsible for any repairs and problems the truck had. Basically, he was broke, working pretty much for free and miserable. There was no way we'd be able to get a place together, even if I found a great job.

So, he found another company. One that he could be a company driver, which means no truck payment, and no responsibility for the repairs and problems. He'll make more money, because driving their truck means they will make sure he gets a load.

But...the person who joined our conversation simply heard what D hopes to make and saw dollar signs. Now, in my defense, I DID try to tell her why she shouldn't get so excited. She was determined to go home and tell her unemployed husband to go to trucking school. I tried to tell her that D has several years of experience, and therefore gets a higher pay rate, but she didn't want to hear that. I tried to tell her that as a new driver, he's probably going to get stuck working for a crappy company (like the one D worked for), and he'll make no money, be miserable, and gone a lot. Didn't want to hear it. I told her how he'll be gone for weeks at a time, and only home a few days, and that if she thinks he doesn't help with the kids now (she complains he's lazy), just wait til he's gone 3 weeks, and home for 3 days, 3 days during which he wants to sleep, and has to clean out the truck, take care of things that he can't take care of on the road, and is not really in the mood to go do anything. Her response was to tell me that I deal with that.

Which was when I tried to explain that D is not my kids dad, and therefore is not responsible for helping me take care of them. Yes, he does help me when he is here, but that is his choice, not something I asked him to do. I am glad he does it, I appreciate it, I'm glad he wants to take on a role in my kids lives, but it is not something I forced him to do. And I don't push him to do anything when he's home, except to spend some time with me, and naturally, the kids, since locking them in the closet is illegal. :) In seriousness, though, I also tried to tell her that yes, I deal with it, but not as well as she seems to think. I told her if she asked D, he'd probably tell her that I drive him nuts with all the "I miss you" and "I wish you were home". And I go in and wake him up a million times and get frustrated when he doesn't want to get up. I understand he's tired, but that doesn't mean it's not a little frustrating.

I also pointed out that I did a considerable amount of laundry for him, much more than you would do on an ordinary basis if he were home everyday. Now, don't get me wrong: I offered. He tried to refuse ("You're my girlfriend, not my slave." I know that, silly, now hand over the stinky socks). I did it because I love him, but it's still a lot to do, especially when he's only home for X long, and you have to hurry up and get it done otherwise he's screwed and leaving with stinky socks and dirty underwear. I'd rather not think of my boyfriend wearing yucky undies, thank you.

Again, she says I'm dealing with it, so she can too. Gritting my teeth, I at this point try to remind her that this is how my relationship with D has been from the very beginning: I knew even before we started dating that he would be gone much more than he was here. I made the choice to move forward anyway, because I love him and I want to be with him, even if that is only a couple of days a month. I can live with that, because I've never known it to be different. Do I wish it were different? Of course. But D wishes he could win the lottery. We both have wishes that will probably never come true. That's life.

She's lived with her husband the entire 10 years they've been married. According to her, they've never spent a night apart. And...she thinks that her hubby can be home every night. Uhhh...did you miss the part where I mentioned how this last time D was gone for 5 weeks? While admittedly, that was longer than usual, it wasn't longer by much. But no, she thinks her hubby will be different. I tell her that if he wants any shot at all of making the kind of money D hopes to make, he has to be over the road, and that means being gone at a minimum of 2-3 weeks, but she doesn't want to hear that. Whatever.

She somehow came to the conclusion that the reason I don't work is that D takes care of me. Ummm....nope. I don't work cause I can't find a damn job. D and I have discussed the possibility that if he makes enough, I might not have to work. But it is not something I am counting on. Frankly, I feel weird even considering letting my boyfriend support my kids and I like that. Tried to tell her all that. Didn't do any good. She thinks she can get her hubby on the road and be able to quit her job.

I give up. I tried my best to get her to see reason. She only wants to see $$$$. So, ok, send your hubby off to trucking school, let him hire on with a really crappy trucking company that doesn't pay for crap, treats him like a slave and leaves him sitting at truck stops for hours, or even days on end. And when you come to me, months from now, to say I didn't warn you, I'm grabbing Caroline, and we're both going to stand there and say that yes, I did tell you so.

I did have one good thing happen this morning though. Well, good for my family, not so good for someone else. There was a little boy that C was friends with back in Kindergarten. A little boy that C often got into trouble with. Fortunately, it didn't take long into first grade for C to realize that this child was trouble. And the school assisted me in separating them.

I just found out this morning that this little boy has become quite the bully. Pushing kids, hitting, smacking, tripping, yelling, making fun, teasing, anything and everything. You name it, this kid is doing it. He's been suspended a couple times.

I'm so grateful that C has realized that this kid is not the kind of kid he wants to be friends with. When I think of what kind of trouble C would be in right now if they'd stayed friends...well, I'd rather not think about that.

I think I'm off to bed now. Hoping to hear from Caroline tomorrow afternoon that her son came through his surgery without a hitch.

Laundry...pretty sure I hate it

2010-02-21T21:36:00.000-05:00

Doing dishes was always the bane of my existence. I despised them. Laundry ranked right up there after dishes. Then I got a dishwasher. I no longer despised dishes. Heck, I loved dishes. Now, laundry has moved up the ranks to the top of the list.

I don't mind the whole loading the washer, switching to the dryer part. That's the easy part. It's the whole fold and put away part that makes me crazy. It's so...tedious and boring. I mean, not that my life is just teeming with excitement or anything. But I'd just rather be reading, or taking pictures, or playing with the kids, or hanging with D when he's home. Not doing laundry.

And then this last week...I did so much laundry that I think the washing machine thinks we're getting married. I did my laundry, the boys laundry, D's laundry, and then mine and the boys again. D has so many socks that I think he could open his own sock store...well, if there is such a thing as a sock store. Is there? Maybe I should check into that. See...this is what I'm talking about: the excitement in my life is thinking I should research the potential existence of sock stores...and laundry is boring.

Seriously, though, if socks could procreate, D's would be bunnies. In fact, I'm not entirely sure his don't. They might very well be in the back of the truck doing all kinds of dirty little things to each other. I'm picturing D driving down the road, a little Marvin Gaye "Let's Get It On" on the radio (although why D would listen to that when I'M not there is questionable, but I digress) and the socks are hooking up:

Sock #1: hey, cutie! Wanna mate?
Sock #2: Are you gonna call me after?
Sock #1: Sure. After we get washed and dried, sure.
Sock#2: Uh-huh. I've heard that before. You're going to go thru that hole in the back of the dryer and disappear.
Sock #1: No, baby. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you.
Sock #2: Ok. But what if little socks come from this?
Sock #1: Oh, that can't happen. I can't have little socks.

And that's as far as I got with that conversation. That was when I finally fell asleep. See...I don't sleep well when he's not here. I sleep, but I wake up constantly. I fell asleep around midnight, then was up at 1 til 1:30, then up at 3 til 3:15ish, then up at 5 til 5:45. Then I got up at 7 for the day. So, yeah, sock conversations are still running through my head. Sorry about that. I definitely need to sleep.

On a completely unrelated note (or kind of related, I suppose, in an odd way)...have you ever noticed how sexy it is to watch a grown man interact with a child? As I mentioned yesterday, D took the boys for a ride in the truck. We met up at a truck stop for this. The boys must hold my hand when in a parking lot, or at least the hand of an adult in our group. So, first J wanted to hold D's hand, and then later, C wanted to hold D's hand. I don't know if the fact that he's not their father makes it more so, but it was just so sexy and sweet to watch him holding their hands. If I'd had my camera (which I intended to take, and then completely forgot), I would have taken pictures. I didn't think I could fall more in love with him, but I did. There is something about watching him interact with my kids that just gets to me. I don't know...maybe part of it is the complete lack of involvement and interest from their sperm donor. Knowing that D actually takes an interest in my sons and wants to interact with them and take on a role in their lives means a lot.

But...to get back to my original point. Laundry. Specifically, D's socks. Seriously, when I was matching and folding his socks, I could have used them to create a fake him in the bed. I get why he needs so many, but wow, it's a lot. He made the comment that you can never have too many socks. I informed him that when I'm the one folding them, yes, you can.

It's kind of odd. I hate laundry. I try to get it all done in one day so that I don't have to think about it all the time. But when I was doing D's, I didn't really mind it so much. I mean, it was just as boring and tedious as ever, but for some reason, I almost enjoyed it. I wouldn't call it fun, exactly, but it was...nice.

I still hate laundry, though. Don't think that has changed, because it hasn't. I still say someone needs to invent something that will fold and put the clothes away for me. Once that's done, then cleaning the bathroom can move to the top of the list and well...I'll just make the kids clean that, and my life will be perfect. Well, nearly perfect anyway.

Ok, I think I should go sleep now. Clearly I need it, since I think not having to clean the bathroom would make my life perfect. Good night.

Here and there...little notes of the past week or so

2010-02-20T21:15:00.000-05:00

So D got home super late Monday night. He's been looking for another job (I think I may have mentioned this previously). He'd finally begun making some very hopeful progress with a company, so he was kind of hanging around, getting things done, but hanging around in hopes of being able to turn in his truck with the current company and start with the new one. Turned out to be the way to go. When he left today, it was to turn in his truck and head to start with the new company.

So, after a much longer separation than I like, I had more time with him than usual. Although it did make it much harder to let him go today, it was wonderful to have that extra time. He thinks I will sleep better without his snoring...he doesn't know (well, I suppose he might when/if he reads this) that I sleep for crap when he's not here. It's really rather ridiculous, but his snoring actually is almost like a fan running for me. His snores are white noise. Or maybe it's his arms around me that help me sleep. Or his warmth. Or just knowing he's there. Who knows? Ok, enough oversharing.

So, while he was home, I didn't really get online much. I paid a bill that came due and that was about my limit. I like to spend as much time with him as I can. Computer goes way down the priority list when he is home. In fact, everything but the kids goes way down the priority list when he's home.

We did have some interesting happenings this week, though. One of which...I am still trying to wrap my brain around. C & J had tipped C's bike up on it's handlebars, so the wheels were up in the air. They were spinning the back tire and skinning clumps of dirt on it, when one of them got a "brilliant" idea. One of them decided that J's...manly parts, shall we say, should be put on the tire. I'm still trying to figure out how this came about.

J: Hey, let's put my peepee on the tire and see what happens!
C: Cool! Let's do it!

C: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you put your peepee on the tire. I bet that'll be really cool.
J: OK.

Either way, I know the end result: J comes crying, clutching his goodies like he just got kicked a good one, and sits in my lap for the next half hour, continuing to clutch the boys like they're going to fall off if he doesn't. He ended up with some nasty looking bruises, but luckily, it's not broken. Not that I'd know if it was, cause...well, I don't have one and wouldn't have the first clue how to know if it was broken or not. In fact, I sat there holding him, wishing D or my dad or even the Fedex guy would show up to assure me he'd be fine.

I just wish I could understand what on earth made them think that was a good idea.

And then there was yesterday, when C proved himself to be utterly, completely MALE. He wore dress pants to school, with a nice button down shirt. He had a belt on, because as always, his pants were a bit too loose. Apparently, while at school, the belt broke. So, how did he keep his pants up? A zip tie! Yes, really. He used a zip tie to keep his pants from falling down around his ankles. With dress pants, no less. D joked that he wanted a paternity test because it sounded like something he would do, and my parents both almost fell out of their chairs laughing when I told them.

Before D left today, he took the boys for a ride in his truck. Quite a long ride, too. Thrilled them to no end. J kept complaining of boredom, but when we got home, all he could tell his grandparents about was the ride. They were both fascinated by all the trucks at the different truck stops we stopped at, so they could switch seats and each have a turn up front. They were amazed at all the things on the dashboard, and thought the oddly placed (to them, anyway) window in the door of the truck was really cool. He honked the horn at one point at a car, and they both thought that was really awesome, too, although they tried to play it cool in the truck. It wasn't until we were in the car on the way home that they gushed about that. How loud it was, how cool it was, how they didn't know what that car did but they were sure it deserved to be honked at. I'm sure D will be pleased to know they are firmly on his side in that situation, even when they're clueless.

So, now, here I am. Saturday night, with two or possibly three weeks ahead of me. The first few days after he leaves are the hardest. It gets better the longer he's gone, but I strongly suspect that is more a matter of I begin getting excited that it's closer to him being home again than anything else.

It's really kind of funny. When I was married to my ex, if he'd been a truck driver, we'd probably still be married. I couldn't stand being around him, so him being gone 2-3 weeks at a time, or more, would have been ideal. Now, with D, it drives me nuts. I want time with him, I almost crave it. He was home nearly a week, and it still doesn't feel like enough time. We've only been together just over three months, but in that three months, he's become my best friend, and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else in my life, with the exception of my children. But that's a totally different kind of love, so there's really no comparison there.

And now I'm on the phone with D, so I'm off now.

sigh...killing time...

2010-02-16T00:30:00.000-05:00

So, here it is, a quarter after midnight. I'm up. Why? Because I'm waiting for D to get home. He's finally getting home again after, umm...5 & 1/2 weeks? Roughly that, anyway. I don't know exactly, I just know he's been gone and I've been missing the hell out of him and he's almost here. He's so close I can almost taste him (hmmm...that didn't quite come out the way I intended, so please clean up your mind so that you'll see how innocently I meant that!).

The boys are in bed, sound asleep. Well...one's in bed sound asleep, one's on the floor sound asleep. Don't ask me. They both started the night in the bed. Somehow, they migrated. In their sleep, no less. Didn't even wake up. Just somehow...slithered to the floor. They were both on the floor at one point, but then one had to potty and got back in the bed. And...you really didn't want to know about their potty habits, did you? Sorry, it's late, and I'm tired, and missing D and excited and well...I tend to overshare a bit when you combine all those things.

I talked to my grandmother today. My will-be-80-next-month grandma. I love her to death. She and my grandpa have been married for 61 years. Talk about inspiration. We talked about a bunch of different things, but one thing was said that scared me. And it's not so much what she said but how she sounded when she said it. Her brother has cancer. It's been determined to be Agent Orange related, meaning the VA is covering it. It started out in his lungs, he had surgery and chemo and went into remission. Now it's back. And it's spreading. Now, about 5 years ago or so, her other brother died of colon cancer.

I was working as a phlebotomist in the hospital he was in. My grandma asked me to go see him on my lunch break, and I naturally agreed. When I got to work the next morning, I saw his paperwork on the board. The night shift had had difficulty drawing him, so though I was new and rather inexperienced, I decided to go give it a shot, and see him. I still intended to go see him at lunch, but figured I'd go above and beyond.

There are a lot of things I've done in my life that I was later glad I did. But this, by far, is the one thing I am most glad that I did. He was dying when I went in. He had no idea who I was, who my dad was, or even my grandma, his sister. Less than an hour after I left his room, he was gone.

I was the last member of our family to see him alive. I was the one who had to inform my parents of his passing, which was the hardest thing I've ever done.

So, in talking about Uncle David (the brother who currently has cancer), thoughts of Uncle Dick (the one who already died) often come into everyone's minds. When she mentioned David today, she said "Things aren't looking good."

Now, this news was not a shock to me. She'd called yesterday and talked to my dad, and he'd told us the cancer was spreading and things don't look too hopeful for him at this point (although we are all still hoping for the best). But it was her voice when she said it. Her voice shook. Not old-lady shook. Shook like absolute fear shook.

My grandma is afraid. What scares me is not knowing what she's afraid of. Is she afraid David will die, leaving her as the only member of her original family? Is she afraid of her own future death? My great-grandmother, her mother, was 79 when she died. 52 days before her 80th birthday, according to my grandma today, a fact which my Uncle Mark shared with her. In his quest to make her feel better, he pointed out that she'd already passed that 52 day mark. This did not seem to make her feel better. Thanks, Uncle Mark. I love you, but right now I could shake you.

I hate thinking that my grandparents will be gone one day. I was fortunate enough to have my great-grandmother (my grandpa's mom) until she was 98 years old, although she did have alzhiemers and was pretty much blind AND deaf toward the end, so she really wasn't herself anymore. My grandparents are both pushing 80. I'm in my 30s, and the majority of my friends lost their grandparents not much later than high school.

I'm veyr much aware of how lucky I am to have had my grandparents this long, and that I am very lucky to get whatever time they have left. But that doesn't mean I don't wish that it could be put off indefinitely.

And wow...this was so totally not the direction I intended this to go tonight. Again, that whole tired, excited, missing, blah blah overshare thing. Sorry about that.

Ok, only another half hour or so till D calls and tells me he's on his way here. How to kill another half hour? I'll find something. Even if it is sitting here and bouncing until the phone rings.

Facebook and MySpace...I don't know why I use them

2010-02-13T16:55:00.000-05:00

I have both a Facebook profile and a MySpace profile. The main reason I have them is to keep in touch with family and some friends that are not nearby (and a couple of friends that are nearby).

I've had ex-boyfriends from high school find me on these sites, and want to add me as a friend. It is beyond me why they would want to be friends, since generally we weren't friends before the relationship and we didn't stay friends afterwards. Depending on the ex, I sometimes add them and sometimes don't. And sometimes I add them, and then delete them. Not sure why I do that. I also get friend requests from people I used to be friends with and then stopped being friends with for one reason or another. My favorite is the friend who allowed (still allows? I don't know) her new husband to molest her daughters from a previous marriage. I don't know the entire story, most of it is rumor in fact, but there is enough truth in what I heard that I know I don't want to be friends with her.

But anyway...I got curious today. I used to work for this really great company, and had a group of about 3 really great friends among a group of about 10 of us that used to go out on Fridays and hit the bar at Chilis (I was underage, my friends would occasionally buy me drinks anyway, but that was not the sole reason we were friends). I lost touch with them years ago, around the time I got married.

I decided today to look up the one friend whose full name I could remember. I can't find her. She was older than me by about a decade, I'll admit, but still...my parents (well, Mom anyway) have a Facebook. So she should (ok, yes, I know, not everyone has one. But this is my fantasy world, and in it, I dictate that everyone I might wish to look up should have one). Nor does she have a MySpace apparently.

I've considered the possibility that she got married and therefore changed her last name. This is a very real possibility, as the last time I talked to her she was living with a boyfriend, and they were throwing around the idea of getting married. Problem with this is that I can only remember Boyfriend's first name. And it's a very common name, so I can't really look him up in hopes of finding her.

So here's my question...why is it that people I don't really want to talk to, and in some cases, kind of hoped had fallen off the face of the earth, can find me, but I can't find someone I DO want to talk to? How is this fair? Everyone I hate can find me, but I can't find someone I like? Seems like a real rip off to me.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I just deleted them both. But then I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with my family and I'd be less inclined to keep in touch with some of my friends. So, I guess I'll just be grateful that no ex-boyfriends or other non-friends have tried to find me recently.

Big Oops (also known as open mouth and insert foot)

2010-02-12T10:57:00.006-05:00

So, D gets upset with me when he thinks I'm not talking to him. I think, after last night, though, that he might be finally getting that it's not that I don't want to talk to him about stuff, it's just that I really suck at it. I tend to say things that are either really stupid, or that come out in a completely unintended, and usually screwed up, way. To fully understand the oops I made last night, I have to go back a bit and explain how D & I actually met and what happened before that.

So, we all already know that SD was a total loser who treated me like absolute crap and really messed up my self-esteem and left me with massive trust issues (which I am working very hard on eliminating, by the way). Well, there's one other ex you need to know about to really understand just where I was when I found D (yes, I found him...not the other way around).

When I was 17, I worked in a grocery store where I met this really cute, quite a bit older guy. He crushed on me just as hard as I crushed on him (granted, being 17, it was mostly, well...lust, but hey, I was 17!). Over a 4 year period, we had a very rocky, very confusing, on and off (but mostly off) relationship before I met and married SD. About a year ago, I got the really brilliant idea to look up this particular old boyfriend, since I'd always remembered him as being really great. He'd always kind of been like the fantasy guy that everyone else had to live up to. Which was really the problem.

I found him in May of last year. We got back together...again. Only this time, at the advanced age of 30, I finally saw him for what he really was: an alcoholic with some serious mental instability going on. He's a really sweet guy, but he drinks too much and gets violent (never with me, but I think that is only because I was never physically there when it happened), and well...he thinks aliens are his best friends. He pushed too hard, too fast, for way more than I could or would give. He wanted to live together...then he wanted to get married...he wanted to meet my kids...he wanted to be their dad. All things that I really want, with the right guy, but just absolutely scared the sh*t out of me when he talked about them. I mean, seriously, he would bring up marriage and I'd ask him if he'd seen the weather report yet today.

The final straw was when he called me one Saturday night early in September to tell me he'd been in the hospital for the last week with pneumonia (that explained the total absence of contact). Naturally, I was concerned. Until I realized that he was seriously doped up on pain pills and drinking. When he started talking about how thoughts of me and my kids were the only thing that kept him from dying, I began to squirm in my chair. I was so uncomfortable with this conversation it was all I could do not to drop the phone, grab the kids, and run away to some deserted island or mountaintop somewhere where no one could find us. Then, he tells me that there are aliens on his front porch looking in the window at him. This was when I said, "I think we should see other people" and then promptly hung up on him. He's called a time or two since then, but I've avoided his calls and now that my number has changed, I no longer hear from him. Definitely cured me of my idealized fantasy of how great he was. I got over him pretty quickly...like as soon as I hung up.

So, given that little history lesson, you can see why I might be a bit leery of men. But yet...I still wanted to date. I wanted to find someone, someone I could eventually have that future with...the one that included marriage and being there for me and my kids. So, I decided to sign up on a couple of dating sites and just take things nice and slow and see what happened.

I signed up on one site in the beginning of October or the end of September. There wasn't really anyone on that site. So around the middle to end of October, I signed up on okcupid.com.

I got a lot of responses to my profile, but no one that really interested me. A couple of guys who were outright liars, which holds absolutely no appeal for me at all. One guy was so desperate he practically had the word "desperate" tattooed on his forehead with a flashing neon sign pointing to it.

I got bored one day and started searching the profiles. D's was the last one in the search list that day. I can't remember why (it was either because he was selective in who he responded to or he hadn't been contacted in over a week and okcupid wanted to suggest I send him an e-mail). In the search list, it shows you their picture, their age and location, marital status, and a little peek at what they've said. I read D's little bit, but didn't open his profile yet.

The next time I searched, his came up first. Different little peek, and I read it again, but still didn't open it. The thought that I had that time was that I was intrigued...which meant he must be crazy. I mean, look at my track record: a cheating loser and a crazy loser. Can you blame me?

The third day, I got him again. I saw a different little piece again, and this time it mentioned about being a truck driver. Well...he's not home much, so it wouldn't take too much time from the kids, and if he IS crazy, at least he's not here to be crazy, right? So, I moved the mouse to click, and left it hovering a moment. I hesitated to open his profile, thinking that although I couldn't have any idea what was going to happen, that somehow I knew this mouse click was going to change my life.

Then I clicked. I read his entire profile (D is quite the talker, both with his voice and with his fingers), and I laughed through all of it. I never got the creepy feeling I got from other profiles, didn't get annoyed, and somehow...didn't sense any craziness.

I moved the mouse to the send message button, and again I hesitated. Why did I keep hesitating? I don't really know. Mostly fear, I guess. Fear of rejection, fear that my incredibly poor judgement was about to make its presence known again, or maybe even more than the rest, fear that this time I might actually be making a good choice and that this might actually be it.

Finally, I clicked and sent him the first message. I tried to be kind of funny and light, and I'm not sure I did such a good job. But either I did, or he just didn't notice or didn't care, because the next morning I had a response from him, a positive response. I nearly bounced in my chair with excitement. My fears weren't completely gone, but at least the fear of rejection was somewhat lessened.

Over the next couple of weeks, we e-mailed and chatted through instant messengers, both on the site and off. We talked about a lot of different things. One night, he finally got up the nerve to give me his phone number and tell me I could call him if I wanted. I had been trying to get up the nerve to give him mine, and hadn't quite gotten there yet.

The next day I called him. His voice was amazing. He's got a very sexy voice. He probably doesn't know it, or wouldn't admit it, but he does. As we got to know each other over the phone, his intelligence became quite clear, which was yet another thing that got to me.

We finally met around mid-November, about three weeks or so after that initial e-mail. The first time I saw him I knew I would end up dating him. I didn't know how long it would last or how serious it would be, but I just knew we would be together. Our second date was the very next day. When trying to plan it, he commented, "I know I want more time with you than we had today." I think I started to fall in love with him when he said that.

Our second date was breakfast and going to the local museum. That was when I knew I was in love with him. He would hold my hand, he would stand close to me, he would kiss my forehead, touch my back, smile at me. So many little things that I don't think he really thought anything of, but really melted me.

So....all of that to tell you about how I really put my foot in my mouth last night. I don't recall how, but somehow we got on the subject of how we met. I mentioned how I had hesitated to look at his profile, and he made a comment about how it was nice to know he was my last choice. I think he might have been joking, but I'm not entirely sure.

I do know that I feel really bad, because I didn't mean it that way. What I meant by it was...well, I'm still not entirely sure how to explain it. It's almost like I knew that he was going to be more than just some guy I talked to online, or some guy that I dated briefly. And even though I've been looking for this kind of relationship, I was still scared of it. So, I hesitated.

Our relationship is, by far, the best relationship I've ever had. I don't get scared when I think about the future. If he brings up anything that even remotely hints at marriage or years down the road, it doesn't terrify me. In fact, it actually makes me happy that he thinks about things like that. I no longer feel the need to ask about the weather report. :)

I regret that hesitation now. I'm glad that I e-mailed him. I'm glad that I met him. He's made my life so much better, and I cannot imagine my life without him in it now. And he was NEVER my last choice. In fact, if I could change anything in my life at all, it would be to go back about 10 years, and find some way to meet D, instead of SD.

And yes, I know...this is all mushy. What can I say? He'll be home soon. I miss him. I can't wait to be in his arms and kiss him again. I'm allowed to be mushy. Right?

I'd forgotten about this...

2010-02-11T09:09:00.001-05:00

So, I had to go to Walmart this morning. Second time in two days. Went yesterday to get new pillows and snacks for the boys Valentine's parties at school. Got the pillows; forgot the snacks. So I headed back over there this morning and got them.

Years ago, I worked in a grocery store. As shy as I am, I always made it a point to smile and be friendly to my customers. Apparently, my cashier this morning missed that lesson. She was not outright rude, but she never once smiled, never said please or thank you. In fact, the only words she spoke to me at all were "You can go ahead and swipe your card now" after she rang up the first item. I didn't say anything to her, but I wanted to tell her that she needed to be a little nicer. But, whatever.

As I was driving home, thinking about this experience, the local radio station I was listening to was having listeners call in and tell what the nicest thing a stranger had ever done for them was. I had to think really hard, because it's not very often anymore that a stranger does anything nice for anyone. And then I remembered.

When C was a baby, he'd gotten some kind of eye problem. I don't even remember what it was, just that it caused his eyes to be really goopy and yucky. SD and I were still together, we had two cars at that point. SD left me the cell phone we'd recently gotten and I was taking C to the dr. On the way, my car got a flat. I didn't have AAA or anything like that. I couldn't call SD because...well, I had the cell phone. I called my dad, but he was working about 3 hours away. I couldn't change the flat myself because I didn't want to put C in his carseat on the side of the road and I didn't want to leave him in the car while it was up on the jack. Oh, yeah, and there was also the fact that I didn't actually know HOW to change a flat. But that's just a minor detail; I'm sure I could have figured it out.

Anyway, as I'm standing here on the side of the road, freaking out, with C in my arms, this lady in a very nice car pulls over behind me. She gets out and asks me what's wrong. I explain that I have a flat and I'm waiting on my dad to come change it. She says she'll wait with me. I tell her that I appreciate that, but it's not necessary. She insists. I relent, because I don't want to be rude to this lady who's trying to be nice. She asks how long it will be until my dad gets there. When I tell her 3 hours, she says I can't wait that long with a baby. She grabs her cell phone and her AAA card, and calls it in, telling them that she's on the side of the road with a friend and her baby and we really need someone to get there ASAP.

As we're waiting, she asks me where C and I are going. I explain the goopy eye thing and how we're going to the dr. She tells me that she is a dr. She stood there on the side of the road and examined C, diagnosed him, and gave me a prescription for some meds that cleared it right up, saving me the expense of the dr visit. An expense we couldn't afford. She did all of this for me and C, and the only thing she asked in return was that I call her and let her know how we were in a couple of days. Which I did.

Almost 9 years later, I can't recall her name. I only vaguely remember what she looked like. What I do remember is that she went well above and beyond what any stranger would do for another person. I remember that without her, SD and I would have ended up a couple of hundred dollars in debt for a dr visit we couldn't afford, my dad would have lost time at work, and I would have been siting on the side of the road with a cranky, sick baby for hours.

When that tire first went flat, I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to me. It turned out to be the best thing that happened that day.

Follow Me

2010-02-10T08:39:00.003-05:00

There have been a couple of different people and situations recently that have had me thinking of my ex. Not missing him or anything like that. But I have one friend who is in the midst of figuring out her marriage and whether it's worth staying (personally, I think no, but it's not me or my life, so...), and D is making changes to his life, and doing something he's been told he could never do for a very ridiculous reason(the reason he was given was ridiculous, not the fact that he's doing it. In fact, I'm very proud and excited that he's doing it).

I have always maintained that I would never badmouth my ex to C & J. Regardless of how I feel about him, unless and until D (or someone else...but I think I'm pretty much done. I think D's it for me) adopts them, SD is still their father. He may have treated me like absolute crap, and he may completely ignore their existence on this earth, but he is still their father. And I am always very careful to watch what I say about him when they are around. As they get older, there are certain facts about him that they will be told, facts that are very unpleasant but nonetheless true and they need to know. Those facts are not badmouthing him, they are a simple statement of fact. I don't play him up as a good guy, either, because that's not really true either. IF the kids ask, and that's a big IF, I simply answer their questions with facts whenever possible, and if I can't answer with fact, then I am careful to answer as neutrally as possible, so as to not make him sound better than he is or to badmouth him and press my feelings toward him on them.

But, my friend asked me the other day if I've ever regretted leaving him. The answer to that question is a resounding no. I NEVER once regretted that decision, I never once looked back and questioned it in any way. By the time I ended things, our relationship had deteriorated to the point that there was no relationship left to regret or even to try to salvage. We were two people who just happened to share a house and a bed and combined DNA in the form of one child and another on the way. There was nothing left to regret.

I'm not going to get into D's situation, simply because it's very personal, and I don't feel I have the right to tell the world. But between listening to him about his situation and my friend's next question, which was if I have any good memories at all of SD, I began thinking about SD and this memory is what comes to mind. In fact, I think of this every time I hear this song.

I don't remember exactly when this happened. I think it was before we got married, but it may have been after. It's very vague, probably because for the most part, I've gone out of my way to block a lot of the memories of my marriage. I can't recall if I was pregnant with C or if he was in the car with us.

But anyway...SD and I were in the car (the only car we had at the time, and one that only ran sporadically, leaving me at least terrified that we were going to be stuck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, and we couldn't even afford a cell phone. We were going to visit his parents, two people who quite possibly hated me more than I grew to hate their son.

Uncle Kracker was one of SD's favorite artists at the time. The song "Follow Me" was getting quite a bit of airplay at this time and it was a particular favorite of SD's. It came on while we were stopped at a long red light. He started singing to me, waving his hand in front of me when it got to the part about "swimming through your veins like a fish in the sea". When he was done (he only sang part of it), he kissed me, a very sweet kiss. Part of what makes that such a good memory is the fact that it was such an ordinary thing - couples all over do this. My dad does this to my mom on occasion, I have watched some of my friends husbands do this, too. It was so ordinary, so normal and natural, not forced. Part of it, too, is that in that moment, it really felt like we were together. His parents couldn't stand me, but he (I thought) loved me and was on my side.

Now, yes, I am well aware that the lyrics of that song really could be interpreted as being about cheating. I am also well aware that at the time this happened, in all likelihood, he was cheating on me, had cheated on me, or was planning to cheat on me, or quite possibly all three.

But, I still choose to ignore all of that and keep that as one good memory. There are others, of course, because we did occasionally actually get along rather well. Unfortunately, the majority of them are tainted, by the lying, cheating, fighting, ignoring, or any of the other countless things he did. For example, the roses.

Again, I don't remember exactly when this was, I just know it was sometime between when C was born and I got pregnant with J. He was working full time, possibly even two jobs (it was rare, but he did occasionally), so that I could stay at home with C. One day, he came home from work with two dozen of the most beautiful purple roses. I have a tattoo which has a purple rose in it, so he knew I liked them. I was totally blown away by the generosity, the thought that I thought he'd put into it, and I even took pictures of the roses, so that even after they died, I'd still have them. Shortly afterward, it came out that he'd been cheating on me (again) and that he'd bought the roses out of guilt. Which is why I now associate roses with doing something wrong. If D brought me roses, my response would not be "Oh, babe, they're beautiful!" but instead "What the hell did you do and am I going to kill you or is my dad?" So, D, if you read this, remember...no roses. Any other flower is fine, but not roses. :)

So why do I choose to remember him singing to me as a good memory even though I could think of reasons not to? Well, it's really pretty simple. Some day, C & J may come to me and ask me if there were ever any good times between SD and I. By not tarnishing this memory with all the reasons why it shouldn't be a good one, I can honestly tell them yes, and have one memory to share with them. One that I won't feel the urge to add, "But he was (cheating, lying, whatever) so it really wasn't all the great" when I tell them about it.

So, that's my one really good memory of my ex. And the fact that it's really the only one should show exactly why I chose to end things. In the short time that D and I have been together, I have already gathered countless good memories of him: the first time we talked by e-mail, the first talk on instant messenger, first time on the phone, first time I saw him, our first kiss (and second, and third, and the fiftieth...yeah, I really like kissing him). The first time he told me he loved me is a very special memory. The first time he met my kids. Several of our phone conversations are favorite memories because of something discussed during them. If D & I broke up, and my friend asked me the same question about our relationship, my answer would have to be yes, I would very much regret it. Whether it was his decision or mine, I would be devastated and I would definitely regret it. I'm sure eventually I would move on, but it would not be the way I did when SD and I ended.

Ok, so that's all I have to say right now. Now, I'm off to support those I care about in figuring out their lives. And to tell my kids that I love them and they can do anything they want in life.

I do this every year...

2010-02-08T10:51:00.001-05:00

I will confess up front that I am not a huge fan of Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, I'll celebrate it. But I just don't get why I'm supposed to feel so special to get flowers, chocolate, dinner out, whatever, on the same day when everyone else is also getting it. To me, those kinds of things mean so much more when done on an ordinary day for no other reason than that he was thinking of me and wanted to.

So, with that out there...every year, since C started school, they do the little Valentine's parties and card exchanges. C has been in school now for 4 years. By now, you'd think that I would remember this and buy the cards, right? Wrong. I never remember. Even when I'm reminded right beforehand, I still don't remember. I do my grocery shopping on Friday mornings after I drop C & J off at school. C reminded me as they were getting out of the car that I needed to get cards. Naturally, by the time I got to the store, I had forgotten. I find tomatoes and carrots to be more important, I guess.

So, now, today I have to take the boys to the store, get cards, and THEN come home and do homework and address all these cards. Now, fortunately, both of them are writing and able to read, so they can do the cards with little to no help or supervision from me. But, still...it's daunting. Between the two of them, there's about 40-45 cards to be addressed. My hand already hurts at the thought of all the writing they are going to be doing.

I also have to get them some kind of snacks to take in for the party. They'd like me to bake something. And with the new stand mixer I got for Christmas, it's tempting. But I'd have to bake soooo much (again, remember, enough for 40-45 people..well, kids). And I love my mixer and I love to bake, but that's just an awful lot of work to do for kids who may or may not eat whatever I make anyway. Plus, the school seems to change its policy almost daily on whether treats have to be prepackaged and unopened or not.

So, since I said that I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day, you're probably wondering if I have plans for it. Well...yes, I do. Sort of. Not so much because of the day itself, but just because it so happens that D is hoping to be home for it. He's putting in for his home time today, and hoping to be home Friday. I'm not going to mention my plans, simply because he does have access to this, and I want to surprise him.

We're also hoping to take the boys to the zoo while he's home. They have no idea yet. I just felt this sudden urge to do something, to get out of the house and go somewhere as a family. And what better time to do that than when D is home? The boys have never been to the zoo. They've been to Silver Springs, and they've been to a local petting farm. But never the zoo. I'm actually quite excited, and definitely planning to take my camera. They both absolutely adore animals, and I'm so excited to see how they're going to react to seeing animals that up until now, they've only seen on TV. Granted, it won't be in their natural environments, but hey, I can't afford a trip to Africa or Egypt or wherever right now.

Following talent...

2010-02-04T09:54:00.000-05:00

My friend Caroline has been trying, for about a week now, to convince me to sign J up for T-Ball ("it's free for first-timers this year!" she says), and C for baseball ("it's only $80!" she tells me). Aside from my financial situation, it kind of seems like a good idea, but also not such a good idea.

Both boys are the long and lean type. They have energy like nobody's business. I'd kill to have just a third of their energy (mainly so I could keep up with them!). Being outside, running, playing, riding bikes, these things are pretty much what they live for. Rainy days, super cold days are the end of the world for them; you could literally think someone died the way they act.

C has a good arm. He can throw a ball pretty far, and I think he throws like a boy (I wouldn't really know; I throw like a girl. What can I say?). The whole hitting the ball with the bat...well, we're working on it. J throws pretty far as well, but he's more into tackling, so I think he'd probably be better suited to football.

Here's my thing, though. I'm a very creative person. I've never been into athletics. Just not my thing. And I'm fine with it if it turns out that athletics are their thing. I used to write poetry and stories (I've lost my inspiration for that though.). Most people who read my writing think I'm pretty good at it. I'm also into photography. I can't draw a picture to save my life, but I can take one with a camera, and my family and most of my friends think I'm pretty talented.

My grandfather (my mom's dad) had an amazing ability with a camera. He could take the most incredible pictures of the most ordinary situations. He could also draw a picture. My mother has a picture that he drew of a log cabin in the woods. I thought that picture was a professionally done picture until my mom told me one day that my grandfather drew it.

The best compliment I think I ever received was when my mom was looking at some pictures I took one day and told me that I had my grandfather's talent with the camera. My grandfather died when I was only 4 or 5 years old, so I have very limited memories of him, but those that I do have are filled with love.

I think C has inherited my grandfather's drawing ability. Obviously, he's only 8 (I'm trying really hard not to think about how he's almost 9), so his work is still a little crude, definitely not perfect, and mostly limited to Spongebob Squarepants and lizards and the like, but what he does draw he does amazingly well. He also seems to have that same natural ability with the camera that my grandfather and I have. I let him take a camera on his field trip a few months ago and he took some photos that were really great, and on other occasions, he's swiped my camera and taken some good pictures.

Which is why, although I appreciate Caroline's enthusiasm and her wish to see my boys play ball and hang out with me while our 3 boys have fun, I think I'm not going to do it.

I think I'd rather encourage the talent that I see in C. He may be great at baseball. And if he wants to play, now or in the future, I will encourage and support him every step of the way. But he shows no real interest in it. His interests really seem to lie with drawing, and other more creative pursuits. I want to encourage that, support that, and know that he is truly enjoying what he is doing than to encourage him to do something that doesn't really seem to excite him.

Everyone has something they are passionate about doing. Those are the things that we most enjoy, and would gladly give up just about every other activity to do. C seems pretty passionate about his drawing, and I want to stoke that fire and keep that passion going. Maybe someday he'll become a professional artist. Maybe not. But I know he has the ability, and I'm going to make sure he doesn't waste it.

As for J...well, he's only 6, and we're still trying to figure him out. He likes to do a little bit of everything, it's impossible to narrow him down just yet. He, too, has swiped my camera and taken good pictures, so maybe that'll be his thing. Or maybe playing football and trying to break bones will be his thing (is it bad that I'm hoping it'll be the camera that he'll go for?).

Now I just hope I can explain all this to Caroline in such a way that she won't be upset with me. Maybe I can offer to come take some pictures of her son at practice to appease her? We'll see.

Has it really been that long?

2010-02-02T11:35:00.001-05:00

This month, C turns 9. I shouldn't be surprised by this...after all, I was there when he was born. I remember the pain quite clearly, thank you. But still...it shocks me to realize that he is going to be 9!

I look at him, and sometimes I still see my little boy. My baby that I brought home from the hospital, stayed home with and took care of, and couldn't bear to go back to work when my maternity leave was up. The little boy that I stayed home with and then couldn't stand the thought of going back to work when my marriage ended and I had no choice.

Other times, I see little hints of the man he's going to be someday, someday sooner than I expect or want. His hands are already getting big, and getting the prominent veins that men often have. His face is starting to change too. Probably not in any way noticeable to anyone else, but I see it. He's nearly as tall as I am now, probably by his next birthday, he will be as tall as me, if not taller. His sperm donor was quite tall, as are my parents, but I am on the short side. I used to joke when he was just a baby that one day he would be taller than me, and now that day is almost here.

I also used to joke that I wanted to keep him little forever. I used to swear I was going to invent something, anything, that would keep him my little boy forever. Now, more than ever, I find myself wishing I could do that.

He's growing up way faster than I am ready for. This year he's 9, but soon he'll be 13, or 16, or 18, and I'm not ready. I mean, the first 9 years passed in the blink of an eye, so I can't imagine the next 9 are going to be any slower.

I'm so scared that I can't do a good enough job as his mother to keep him from making huge mistakes that will alter the rest of his life. I worry that he's got too much of his sperm donor in him, and will turn out like him. I know everyone says that the way I raise him is what really counts, but who really knows that for sure?

And yet, at the same time that I have all these fears and doubts, I also can't wait to see what kind of man he's going to be. I want to know what he will do with his future, who he will marry, what kind of kids he will have. Will he be a better father than his own was? I hope so.

I hope he's had enough good male influences in his life to make him better than his sperm donor. My father is a great man, and has always been there for me and the kids. I hope C has paid attention, and is learning from my dad. D has only been around a few months, but I hope he will be around forever. I know he is a lot like my father, and there is a lot about D that I hope C will learn from him about what a man should be. I've had a few male friends, but I've always been hesitant to bring them around the boys. Not only to avoid confusion over whether we're friends or more, but also because those friends are not always the best example of men. They're nice guys, but...sometimes they have issues. And unfortunately, my grandfather, uncles, and cousins all live in another state, so even though they are all wonderful men, they're not in positions to have any influence on my boys.

I've dated since my divorce, but not a whole lot. Part of the reason was that I didn't want to take time from my boys, part of it was that I didn't meet guys that I really wanted to date. After my divorce, when I realized I was going to be raising two boys on my own, trying to make them into men without any real clue how to do that, one thing I did know was that my relationships with men were going to influence my boys. The type of man I would bring home to meet my children would teach them what I think a man should be like, and I didn't want to give them the wrong impression by bringing home the wrong kind of man. Which is why it took 6 years and meeting D before ANY man met the boys. No other man met my standards for what kind of man I would want my sons to look up to. That's not to say I'm dating D just because he could be a good influence, because I'm not. It's just a great added bonus that he's the kind of man I would want my sons to look up to.

Sperm donor is a great example of the kind of guys I used to date (well, except for the whole cheating, lying, blah blah blah):fun to hang out with, intent on showing me a great time with concerts and nightclubs as our dates and not much more than that. Intelligence was a hit and miss thing, and the seriousness of the relationship often depended on how hard I wanted to push for a label. If I didn't push for a label, it wasn't very serious. If I did push, it either got serious or it ended. Either way, it was for the best, but I hated having to push.

Which is another reason I am glad I have my sons. They are the reason that I realized that I needed to change the kind of guy I date. I wouldn't have given D a second look before my kids, because he's gone so much, and he reminds me of my dad. I just never pictured myself with someone like him. Someone who works so hard, even if it's not worth it, who cares so much about everyone around him, who treats me the way a woman should be treated, who looks at me as more than just a girlfriend. He actually wants a relationship, something that can actually lead to a real, long-lasting future. Deep down, that was always what I wanted, but for whatever reason, I never really tried to get it. Without my sons, I might never have found D. I would have kept dating the same kind of guys and spent my entire life miserable and missing out on what I really wanted.

I can't believe C is going to be 9 this month. When I was pregnant with him, I remember wishing that he could be born already, because I was miserable with morning sickness and various pregnant aches and pains. My mom told me I shouldn't wish that, because once you have kids, the time flies by. I didn't take her seriously then, but I do now. I can still almost feel the weight of him in my arms as a newborn, I can still clearly see myself putting him in his bassinet, or crying right along with him when he was up half the night with an upset tummy or teething. And now, he's lost several baby teeth already, he often doesn't want a kiss goodbye or good night, and he already has the attitude of a teenager (those moments are when I most wish he was still a baby!). And J is not far behind.

As much as he will hate it, and as mad as he will get at me, I am going to grab C tonight and give him a huge hug and a kiss, and if I can get him to hold still long enough, I am going to hold him and pretend he's still my very little boy.

I'm a BUG?

2010-01-28T15:01:00.000-05:00

"Hey, Mom, I'm a BUG!"

"What?"

"I'm a BUG."

This conversation would have made much more sense if I'd remembered the letter I read last week about the new program the school is implementing, called BUG, or Bringing Up Grades. It's a reward based program that encourages kids to improve their grades and keep them up.

I forgot this letter, though, and also forgot that report cards were coming home today.

C reminded me, though, and then the conversation made much more sense (which was good, because I couldn't figure out if he wanted to be a cockroach or a beetle, either of which I find creepy.)

So, J brought home the usual: E's & S's. The don't do the A-B-C-D-F thing in Kindergarten. I am, of course, proud of him, as always. Naturally, he's too young to realize that by setting the bar so high right now, he's really screwing himself in the later years. And of course, I'm a just mean enough Mommy that I'm not going to let him in on that little secret.

C's report card just blew me away. He brought his math grade up. I may or may not have mentioned before that C really struggles with math. I think it's inherited. I can't even add 2 + 2 without getting a calculator and having someone double check my work (ok, I'm not that bad, but I'm not much better). He really wrestles with his math and gets very frustrated. So, I was very proud to see that he brought his grade from a D to a C. This may not seem like that big a deal, but any parent who has a child that struggles with a subject knows that this is a huge accomplishment. He has really had to work hard for that one letter improvement, and it is definitely an achievement to be proud of. The funny thing is that he is actually embarassed. He gets this shy little grin and can't look at you if you tell him you're proud of him.

Aside from his math improvement, he also brought his social studies grade from a C to an A, which is another outstanding accomplishment. His science grade went from a B to an A, and his reading grade from a C to a B. Language Arts was the only one that stayed a C.

I am so proud of both of my boys right now. I could not be more thrilled with them at this moment.

Now...if I could just get them to stop with the snarky attitudes....

A Rock and A Hard Place

2010-01-26T09:55:00.004-05:00

I was given a very vivid reminder of my past this morning, by a friend of mine. Before this morning, I wouldn't have really called her a good friend, since most of our conversations had been somewhat superficial, except for one time when her husband's grandfather shot a cop, but that's a story for another time. Let's just say, Grandpa's nuts and still in jail, and I believe everyone is better off for it.

This morning, though, she followed me to the gas station after we'd dropped the kids off at school to talk to me about signing J up for T-ball, since it's free for first timers this year. I'd have to pay for C to sign up for baseball, and I don't really think I can afford it right now, so I probably won't do it. But we'll see.

But as we stood there talking, she began telling me things about her marriage and her husband that shocked me. She'd always given me the impression that her marriage was pretty good, or at least average.

First, she shocked me by mentioning they hadn't had sex in about 2 years, and that it was his choice, not hers. Lots of couples go through dry spells, though, so that, while it was shocking that it was his doing, I didn't really think much of it. Just kind of felt bad for her that she's not getting any. Then she added that he shows her no affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, kisses, nothing.

That I didn't understand. I could go the rest of my life never having sex again, it's not a huge deal, but if D didn't hold my hand, kiss me, hold me while we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, I couldn't handle that. All those little things show me that he loves me, and they mean much more to me than the words. I love to hear him tell me, absolutely, but it's the little touches, the quick kisses, the squeezes when he hugs me tight that really tell me he loves me. She doesn't even get the words, apparently.

Then, she starts telling me about all these fights they've had lately. And that's when I started thinking about Sperm Donor. She started describing shouting matches at 4am over a simple statement. Normal conversations turning into screamfests. Walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that will piss him off and start a fight. Deciding to make this instead of that for dinner because she knows he won't eat it and will instead throw it away, slam dishes and silverware around as he makes something else and then bitch about how she sits around all day and can't even make a good dinner for him when he gets home from busting his ass all day.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, then she tells me about how she and her sister were signing up the kids for T-ball, and her son was hitting her (playfully). Her sister told him to stop, that hitting Momma wasn't nice. Sister threatened to tell Grandma, and the little boy just laughed. When Sister threatened to tell Daddy, the little boy started bawling and begging her to please not tell Daddy. My friend then mentions that he's terrified of Daddy.

That would have been my boys if I hadn't left Sperm Donor. I'd be her (only the lack of sex would have been my choice), and my boys would be terrified of their father.

When I made a casual comment (to test the waters) about how it sounds like she'd be better off without him, she said it's not better for her son, and then threw in that she has nowhere to go. No family she can stay with, or that would help her anyway. Her husband has told her if she wants to leave, leave. He doesn't care.

I disagree with her that it's not better for her son for her to leave. I think the situation as it is is very unhealthy for this very sweet little boy. For the same reasons that I left Sperm Donor: it gives him the wrong idea of how a man should treat a woman, what a healthy relationship should look like, and frankly, I believe it's only a matter of time before he escalates to something more than just hurtful words and lack of affection. She also mentioned how he yells at her son (that he adopted, by the way) for the slightest little thing, and never shows him any affection. Apparently, her son used to try to hug him, but after getting a quick tap on the arm and a "that's enough" enough times, her son has given up.

She knows some of my history with Sperm Donor. I can't remember exactly how much I told her, because as I said, a lot of our previous conversations were pretty superficial, and I don't give a lot of details to just anyone.

My problem here is what do I do? I want to get her the names of some shelters that will help her leave, get a job, get a place, get back on her feet, if she so chooses. But I know, from having been there myself, that she won't leave until/unless she's ready.

I also know that she could very easily get offended and upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want my kids to lose her son as a friend. If nothing else, I at least want to know that I will see her and her son frequently so that if I something changes, she might talk to me, and I can push her harder or, if necessary, call the cops myself to try to protect her and her son.

So I'm stuck. I feel like I need to help her, but can't. I feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should maybe tell her everything I went through, hoping she'll see the similarity and realize on her own what's going on. But I feel that doing that is likely to put her on the defensive and make her more determined to believe that everything will be fine.

She already knows that she can talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will help her out in any way that I can. I'm hoping that that'll be enough. But I'm really afraid for her now. She has no phone, not even a cell, so she has no way to call anyone for help should something change. Her only real opportunity to seek help is when she takes her son to school. She used to talk to other moms at the school besides me, but from what I can tell, it's only me now. I don't know if that's a choice she made (maybe she senses I'm more willing to listen and help than the others?) or if he's trying to isolate her (the other moms live closer to her than I do).

I never thought that any real good would come from my failed marriage, except my kids. Yes, I learned a few things about relationships and what I do and don't want from them. But that only benefits me, really. Or so I thought. If I can just figure out how to approach her, maybe more good will come from it than I thought.

Am I the only one?

2010-01-23T12:11:00.004-05:00

I belong to a website for moms. It used to be a really helpful, compassionate website where a mom, new or not, could go and ask a question and get useful answers. Criticism was constructive and intended to help, not to completely tear you down and make you feel worthless.

That site has started to devolve into...well, it's devolved. We'll just put it that way.

Often, women would have questions about their relationships. As one mom on there said, "I want to find out if what my husband and I are going through is normal, but I don't want my mom, or his mom, or my best friend, to know that we're dealing with it." The site used to be a way you could compare your relationship to others and find out that yes, this stage in a relationship is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it, and we're going to be fine.

The questions eventually just got...well, pathetic. Women wanting other women to tell them if they should stay or leave after their husband/significant other/boyfriend (whatever title they want to give him...some of them change it weekly, it seems) has cheated, hit them, hit their child, stolen something, kept a secret, lost money gambling/doing drugs/on a hooker (hey, I've seen it on there!), or because his mother drives her nuts with her advice, sarcasm, criticism, or need to take over everything. Some of the reasons they want to leave are just silly, and others I just don't understand how they don't already KNOW they should leave. (example: "My husband has cheated on me 16 times, twice with my sister, 3 times with my best friend, and I caught him having a threesome with my mom and my grandma. Should I leave?" And NO, I am not making that up! I might have the numbers a little off, but it was a real question.)

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been in a bad marriage and gotten out of it, and learned a few things from it. The first of those things being what I won't tolerate from a man. I love D to death, and I have absolutely no intention of ever ending our relationship, but there are some things that if he ever did them, I'd be getting rid of him without thinking twice. If he ever laid a hand on me, if he ever hurt my child (beyond a simple spanking or hurt feelings because they're in trouble), if he started doing drugs, drinking too much, if we were living together or married and he was taking money needed to support our home and our family to spend on drugs, gambling, or whatever, those are all things I'd get rid of him for. Cheating...I've always said that after Sperm Donor, I'd leave the first time. Honestly, though, I love D, and I think he loves me enough that if he DID cheat, he'd probably feel incredibly guilty and not do it again. So....I think if he cheated, I'd probably give him one more chance, but with a very clear "you better not hide a damn thing from me ever again" policy. In fact, if he cheated, he'd probably choose to leave me because I'd be so demanding of what he'd have to do to prove to me I could trust him again.

But what really confuses me is that so many of these women are in these relationships, and if you go by their questions, they are just absolutely miserable. And when you read the questions, or look at their profile, the stuff they are so upset about is stuff that he has always done (or not done). Why would you marry someone, or have kids with him, if you already knew he was like this? If I'd known before I married him that Sperm Donor was a lying, cheating piece of crap who was going to do everything he could to ruin my self esteem and ignore my kids...yeah, I wouldn't have touched him with a 50 foot pole. And what's even worse, is that the stuff they get upset over is often silly stuff. No, cheating is not silly. Losing money gambling or on drugs or whatever is not silly. But asking if you should leave him because he didn't take the garbage out the last two times you asked him to (Are your hands broken? Take it out yourself)? Or because he's always on the computer (so why don't you read a book, or watch TV? Does he really have to be your entertainment every minute of the day? He'll get off the computer in a little while and then you'll spend time together. If he's truly addicted and ALWAYS on it, that's one thing, but an hour a day? Not a big deal), or he smokes (make him go outside to smoke)? These are not relationship ending issues, in my opinion anyway.

That's the other thing I learned from my bad marriage. As annoying as certain habits may be, they are not something worth ending the relationship. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could sit here and think of reasons to end my relationship. They'd all be petty, nitpicky things, but I could sit here and list things that *could* drive me nuts about him. And I'm pretty sure that he could do the same thing about me. He's not perfect, and neither am I. But I love him, and I'd rather focus on the things that I do love about him, than concentrate on the things I don't love so much. I'd rather be happy with him. And I love him so much I even try to turn the less than wonderful things into positive. So, he snores...at least if I hear him snoring, well (a) he's there with me (always a plus), and (b) at least I know he's still alive.

And when I tried to tell one woman that when she complained that she was thinking of leaving her husband because on the two nights a week (he works nights) he's home, she doesn't sleep well thanks to his snoring, she told me I needed to "take off my rose colored glasses" and that my relationship would never last.

I disagree with her. I think that when you focus on the bad, that's when your relationship won't last. How can it, if you're always thinking negatively about the other person, and therefore making yourself unhappy? I think by ignoring the things that aren't quite so endearing and thinking of the things that are, it sets us up with a better chance of making it work. And besides, I really don't think that his cigarette and red bull breakfast habit is worth living my life without him. I won't deny that if he wanted to give them up, I'd be thrilled, but it's just not a relationship ender for me.

I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the good in their relationships, in their spouses/significant others. Why do we always have to look at the negative stuff? Why can't we just ignore that, and focus on what's good about them, and good about the relationship?

I think I'm going to leave that website, because it's just gotten to be too depressing lately. Every now and then, I come across a good question, or at least one I can answer that makes me feel good about answering it, but the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good.

Ok...now that that's out of my system. :)

Last night, C & J were running around outside while my parents and I sat around talking. Peter Pan has been kennelled for...probably close to a year now, due to his inability to stop tearing things up. We let him out to run around when someone is out there to supervise him, but otherwise he's in the kennel. He likes to try to dig his way out. We improvised some chainlink fencing on the bottom of the kennel to stop that. So, now, he likes to try to chew his way out. Last night, C came tearing around the corner from the kennel area.

"Grandpa, Peter Pan is chewing on the kennel again!"

"Fine."

"No, Grandpa, really!"

"Fine. I'll go check on it in a minute."

"No, Grandpa, he's doing some really impressive work!"

Impressive work? My mother and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. At least now I know that regardless of what else he does or doesn't learn in school, at least he's getting a pretty good vocabulary...and the ability to use it correctly.

Since you didn't hear me the first THREE times...

2010-01-19T11:51:00.002-05:00

I moved in with my parents in November, Thanksgiving weekend in fact. Ugh. Have I mentioned this living situation is not much fun?

Anyway, when we were in our old house, we had a certain satellite DISH company providing us with our TV entertainment. Well, when there weren't any clouds in the sky over India, we had TV. So, after moving in with my parents, I called that company, and told them I had moved and wanted to disconnect my service and cancel my account. At that time, I told them that they needed to send the final bill and the boxes for the equipment they wanted back to my new address. The man I spoke with was very nice and confirmed he'd entered my new address into my account info.

Two weeks or so later...I get a forwarded notice in the mail that UPS tried to deliver the boxes to my old house. Hmm...well, ok. Maybe UPS messed up. The driver for our area knew where I lived, maybe he didn't know I moved. Oh, no, wait...yep, says right here they didn't deliver them because I moved. So....I call the DISH company and tell the woman I speak to very nicely that they made a mistake and could she please help me correct this? Well, she discovers that the first guy screwed up and put the new address on my parents cancelled account. Apparently, it's hard to tell my name, which starts with a W, apart from my mother's name, which starts with a D. Hey, they both have 5 letters...I get it, it's confusing.

So, this lady gets it all straightened out, and assures me that a new set of boxes are on their way, to my NEW address, and that they will give me an extension on the time to return the equipment.

About a week later, the boxes arrive...left at the old house. With the old address on them. Must have had a substitute driver that day, who didn't know I moved. Lucky for all of us I happened to drive by the old house that day, or the boxes would have rotted in the rain we've had since then.

I bring the boxes home, and get ready to put the equipment in them, so I can slap the prepaid return shipping label on it and send it back. Except...there's no prepaid shipping label. Wonderful.

Keeping in mind that this is now roughly 3 weeks to a month AFTER I first called and informed them of my move and new address, I call them again. You know what I really hate about the stupid voice response systems? They don't generally respond that well to your voice. After getting disconnected I don't even know how many times, I FINALLY get through to someone.

He is very nice, and more than happy to print out my shipping label. Only...he's not sure how to do it, can he put me on hold for just a moment? Sure, no problem. Boy, was THAT the wrong response. He comes back to tell me that he can't print it out, but he can give me the address, and the RMA that I need to return it, and I just take it to UPS and have them create a label.

Ok, that's cool, but...um, if I have to take this to UPS, and have them create a label, doesn't that mean I have to pay for it? Well, yes. OK....why wasn't I told this before? New policy, started this week.

Wait a minute. I called a month ago to get this done, so it seems to me that this new policy shouldn't apply to me. If they hadn't screwed up, the equipment would have been returned long before this new policy took effect.

Oh, but no...that's not how it works. After close to an hour arguing with this customer service rep, his boss, and someone in the account retention dept, I'm ready to borrow one of my dad's or D's guns and start hurting people (in retrospect, making this call while I had raging PMS might not have been the best idea!), when they put me through to someone in the executive office who proceeds to...lie his ass off to me. He claimed to be e-mailing me the shipping labels and all I have to do is print them and tape them to the box.I had to give him my name, e-mail address, phone number, and once again, my new address. That was around New Year's...and it's Jan. 19th. I've yet to see this e-mail. Apparently it's taking the scenic route.

Oh, but it gets better. Because yesterday, my parents drove by the old house on their way home and found a little UPS InfoNotice stuck to the door. Apparently, yesterday was UPS's second attempt to deliver something from...guess who? That's right! That unnamed DISH company. And as if all that wasn't enough to make me want to hurt someone again, the InfoNotice tells me to go to the UPS website and I can make alternate delivery arrangements.

Sounds easy, right? Yeah...not so much. I've tried 4 times, and it says it can't do it. So, I've decided they can throw the delivery off a cliff, and I will be just fine with that. I've considered calling that DISH company and once again correcting my address, but since I would start out with "Since you didn't hear me the first 3 times..." and end with a whole lot of 4 letter words that probably aren't really appropriate for general conversation, I'm thinking that might not be the way to go.

I mean, really, what are they going to do to me? Charge my card for the equipment? It's a debit card on a bank account I closed over a year ago. Go ahead and try. Put it on my credit report? Fine, I'll dispute it. You wouldn't send me the shipping labels, you didn't give me an address, you kept sending stuff to my old address, which I technically am no longer allowed on the property, since I no longer own it. What exactly should I do?

Needless to say, when I move out again, I will NOT be getting service from this DISH company. I think I will make sure I can get cable wherever I live. In fact, I think I'll save myself a lot of headaches, and just let D handle cable or satellite or whatever we get for TV. Yeah, I think that's a very good idea. Of course, I should probably ask him first. Or bribe him. Yeah, bribing would probably be the best way here. Now, to figure out what to bribe him WITH...

The kids didn't have school yesterday, so I took them outside to play earlier than usual. We came in after a bit, because it was cold and I wanted hot cocoa. They did, too, but mainly me. You want to know how to really annoy your kid? Here's a tried and true method:

We come in, and C comes around the kitchen counter and crouches down, while J is still in the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Hiding from J." C whispers.

"Well, it's not going to work real well hiding on the other side of the counter." I respond, loud enough for J to hear if he's listening.

C gets up and goes to crouch between two big chairs we have in the living room.

"He'll find you hiding between those two chairs too."

C gets up and goes in his bedroom. He grabs the closet door as he heads into the closet.

"He'll probably find you in the closet in your room, too."

"He's going to find me if you keep telling him where I'm hiding!" C cries with much exasperation and frustration.

Well, I don't know about him, but I had fun with that little game of hide and seek...or was it hide and tell? Ehh..who cares, I had fun.

How a dropped call saved my relationship

2010-01-16T21:35:00.010-05:00

So, D has been home and gone. After he left, I...I don't know, kind of fell into a little depression I guess. As I've mentioned in much earlier posts on this blog, my ex left me with a lot of issues. Until D, those issues hadn't really posed much of a problem. I never got close enough to any man for them to become a problem.

D, however, is different. He makes me feel loved and important and as though I matter. He makes me laugh. He laughs even if my joke or sarcasm isn't really that funny. He laughs at me when I do something stupid or goofy, and I don't mind it. I never realized until I met him how important laughter is to a relationship. I think it's probably almost as important as love and trust. I trust him. I trust him not to cheat, not to lie, not to hide things from me. I trust him with my children, not only to not harm them but to protect them. We talked about a lot of things, a lot of personal things, over the time that we got to know each other before we ever even met, and developed a sort of closeness. We got closer after we met and started dating. We talked about so many things, a lot of them pretty personal, and it always felt right. It never felt forced, or like I was telling him something because I had to. I was telling him things because I wanted to.

And the first few weeks, I was fine with how close we were becoming, had become. But he left this last time, and I don't know what happened to me, but suddenly I was just drowning in a sea of doubts. Not about him, really, just kind of hanging off of him, in a way. If that makes sense. I began to have thoughts like there is just no way this man can really love me and want to be with me. Thinking it was only a matter of time before he'd break up with me. Taking something I'd *think* I heard in his voice and deciding it meant he was about to tell me it was over. Waiting for a phone call and thinking that since he hadn't called yet, he must be trying to figure out how to tell me it was over. A dropped call, in my head, was him hanging up because he'd decided I was too much trouble and way too high maintenance for him to deal with, and therefore my unanswered calls were not because he had no signal, but because he was avoiding me.

The reality of the dropped call is that a few moments prior to it being dropped, he'd said something that mildly hurt my feelings, and I'd gone silent on him, not to give him the silent treatment but because I was hurt and just really didn't know what to say. Just before the call dropped, I thought I heard him sigh, and the next thing I knew, the call was gone. I waited for him to call back, as he usually does at that time of day, but he didn't. I tried to call him back, it rang and rang until the voicemail picked up. I left a couple of messages, and then tried again later, and it went straight to voicemail, no ringing at all. He had no signal. That was it; just no signal.

In my head, it was he'd hung up on me because he was sick of me not talking to him about what was on my mind. He was not answering my calls because he didn't want to talk to me until he'd figured out how to tell me it was over. And it stopped ringing and started going straight to voicemail because he'd turned the phone off to avoid me.

That dropped call was what made me realize that I needed to stop this. That dropped call probably saved our relationship from the horrible attempted murder I was committing on it. I convinced myself in a matter of minutes that he'd hung up on me and was then avoiding me. I realized, in that moment, that I love this man more than anyone except my children, and certainly more than I've ever loved any other man. In that moment, I realized that if I lost him, and especially if I lost him due to my own stupid refusal to just tell him how I feel, that I would lose everything that mattered to me, except my kids.

I agonized over an email in which I laid out all of my feelings. The love I feel for him, the raging doubts I'd been having and trying desperately to not tell him out of fear he'd tell me I was right. I sent that email, positive that it was much too late to salvage our relationship and that I only had myself to blame for the broken heart I was about to have.

An hour or two after I sent that email, the phone rang. "Well, I finally have a signal again." he said. My heart skipped numerous beats as I realized that once again, my doubts and fears were unfounded. Of course, I'd already sent an email, so it was best to confess what I'd been thinking, since once he read the email, he'd know anyway.

So, I confessed to him that I thought he'd hung up on me. "Why would I do that?" he asked, and he was genuinely confused. And that was when I had my next realization. This man truly loves me, truly wants to be with me and has absolutely no intention of going anywhere.

I was putting distance between us, with all my doubts and fears. I wasn't doing it on purpose, in fact, it was the last thing I wanted. I want to be close to him. He called me on the distance. Flat out told me I was doing it. My first instinct was to deny that I was doing it, except...I thought about it and realized that, although it was completely unintentional and not done on a conscious level, I was indeed putting distance between us. I had a good reason, so I thought: I was hoping, with distance between us, that it might hurt just a little less when he broke up with me, as I was so certain he was going to do.

I've now realized I can't do that. I can't put distance between us in hopes of protecting my heart. Our relationship will never work if I keep him at arm's length. I'm good at sharing my feelings here, because I'm pretty much anonymous and no one knows it's me. You might pass me on the street tomorrow, and you'll never know I wrote this and I'll never know you read it.

Now I just have to start sharing my feelings with him. And I will. It'll be a struggle. And knowing me, he'll probably have to point out to me, a few more times, that I'm doing it again so that I can stop. But I'm going to try really hard to stop trying to hide and protect myself from a breakup that, in reality, is probably never going to happen. I know he loves me, and I'm pretty sure he's hoping for the same future together that I am, even though my fears often get in the way.

We're not there yet, but we are getting back to where we were before. Our conversations are finally beginning to flow as they used to, I'm laughing with him again. I'm feeling closer to him again. And I realized just how much I was missing all that while I was busy with a steak knife trying to kill our relationship in my head. I know now that we're going to be ok. It's probably not the last time this'll happen, nor is it probably the worst thing we'll deal with, but we'll deal with that as it comes. I never wanted us to break up, and I've finally realized that he doesn't either, no matter what my insecurities try to tell me.

And yes, I know, some of you that read this regularly are sitting there going, "WTF? She never gets like this! I don't read this blog to read this crap, I want to read about how much fun she has with D, or what C & J have done lately, or her latest plot to murder the ex? Where the hell did that stuff go?" Don't worry...I'm not going to be all depressed and emotional from now on.

I know I frequently try to post funny stuff, or turn the serious stuff into something somewhat funny, but my life isn't always that funny. And sometimes the crap I deal with just can't be turned into a joke. I nearly killed my relationship with D, and there's nothing funny about that. But lest you think that we're perfect, I figured I'd let you in on that little secret.

And just to show you that I can still make you laugh, here you go:

C got something called "Aquasaurs" for Christmas. They are basically sea monkeys that are very similar to dinosaurs. You put the eggs in water, the Aquasaurs hatch, and you have little shrimp like things swimming around in the water a few days later. We finally got around to doing this the day before yesterday. Yesterday, some had hatched. Well, first of all, C named one Swimmy. J named another Stoppergoer (don't ask me...I just relate the info.). Well, they have to be kept in water that is between 72 and 80 degrees.

Bedtime tonight...C is looking at the tank. Here's our conversation:

"Mom, it's 76."

"That's fine, C."

"But, Mom, it can't get above 80."

"I know, C. It'll be fine."

"But, Mooommmm, if it gets above 80, they'll diiieee!!!"

"C, I promise you, it's fine. It's only 76. They'll be fine."

"But, Mooommm...what if it gets above 80 while we're in bed tonight?"

"I'm sure it won't."

"But what if it does?"

"It won't."

"I think I should stay up and make sure."

"Uh, yeah, I don't think so. Let's go to bed."

"No, Mom, I really think I should stay up and make sure it stays below 80."

"Look, C, that's not going to happen. But let's say I let you stay up, and it goes above 80. What are you going to do about it?"

Blank look and total silence.

"Well, I didn't say I would do anything about it. I just said I should stay up and make sure it doesn't happen." Hops off the stool and stomps to the bedroom.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to call a certain cell phone company and tell them how their bad coverage in one state saved my relationship and thank them for that sucky service. And then I need to call D and tell him again that I love him.

The man deserves a medal for putting up with me.

Clearly I'm still being lazy...

2010-01-08T22:41:00.002-05:00

Since the last time I blogged was right after D was home, and here I am, blogging again right after he's been home.

So, D was home for my birthday. Made my day. I love that man so much. His birthday present to me was to change my operating system on the computer. I am no longer using Windows, and I couldn't be happier about that. It's definitely different than what I am used to, but I still like it much better.

We went out to dinner at Chili's for my birthday, using a gift card that my parents gave to us for Christmas. Is it really cheesy and pathetic that I am keeping the little gift card holder that the card came in because it was the first gift anyone gave to both of us in our relationship? Ok, yeah, dumb question. I know it's cheesy, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Anyway, back to my story. We went out to dinner at Chili's and it was really nice. It was nice to spend some time alone with him, and yet be out doing something at the same time. Plus I did need a break from the family. I love the kids to death, and I love my parents, too, but sometimes I just need to get away. And it was nice to get away with D.

He was also over for dinner last night, and then we watched a movie together after the kids went to bed. Then, of course, we had to say our goodbyes as he had to leave today. That was hard. I hate saying goodbye to him. Three weeks never felt so long until I met him. Now it seems like forever.

I think some of that may be because I know how unhappy he is with his current job. He loves what he does, but right now he really hates it. He's not getting enough miles, so he's not making any real money. He's constantly stressed and miserable, and there's nothing I can do to make it better. He was already starting to stress and get tense last night while we were watching the movie, and by this morning, he was (I think) as tense as he was before he got home. I keep trying to nudge him into calling some other companies and checking into making a move, but he hasn't done it. And I don't want to push too hard and seem like a nag or like I'm trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Whatever decision he makes, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, I will support him. But I want him to be happy. And I think he knows as well as I do that it's not going to happen where he's at now. He started with this company 4.5 yrs ago, when he first started driving, with the intention of retiring from it. I can understand how hard it is to let go of that idea, but I also see what it's doing to him to stay there, and that kills me. This is the one part of being in a relationship that I forgot about...having to watch the man you love be unhappy, and not being able to do anything about it.

C & J had a great Christmas. They loved the legos that D bought for them. They have, in fact, played with them more than any other gift they got for Christmas. And they got quite a bit of really awesome stuff. Heck, they got stuff that I want to play with!

D loved what I got him. I got him a Zippo lighter engraved with his initials and some lovey dovey sentiments. Of course, once I got my gift from him, I kinda feel like it wasn't enough, even though I put tons of thought into it. He got me a gorgeous stand mixer. This thing is just....oh, wow. That's all I can say. 6 qt bowl, major power. I've made carrot cake and chocolate chip cookies so far using it, and I'm in absolute heaven.

The boys are back in school. They went back on Monday. It's been a rough week. Monday night J was wild. It was almost like someone drugged him at school, he just could not calm down no matter what. Screaming, yelling, carrying on. As the week went on, he got better, thankfully. As much as I loved them being home, getting to spend more time with them, being able to sleep past the crack of dawn, I am glad they're back in school. I can start working on getting the house back into some sort of order, and I get a little bit of me time while they're at school. I can get things done online, read, try to figure out how to get a job when there are no jobs to be had.

Things are settling back to normal. Hopefully I'll start posting a little more often. Or not. Who knows? :)

Once again, I have been slacking...

2009-12-19T13:17:00.003-05:00

So sorry about that. Been kind of...distracted.

D was home last week. He should have been home on Friday, 12/11. But, of course...truck drivers are NEVER home when they should be. Not his fault, but I must say I'd love nothing better than to hire a hitman for his dispatcher right now. He didn't get home until Sunday night. They couldn't find him a load to get him home. He was stuck in Mobile, AL. It cost him more to sit there than it did to get home. He's supposed to be home for my birthday, and is in fact, putting in for a couple of days beforehand, so that he should, even late, be here for the actual day, but if he's not...there's a man in NE that will not like me very much. :)

It was nice that he was home, though. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time with him as I would have liked, but still. He met the kids and my parents, and things went amazingly well. Better than I expected, in fact. The kids adore him. They love his truck, and they are so excited because he got them Christmas presents. And boy, did he get them presents. I figured he was just going to get them a little something, kind of a "don't hate me for dating your mom" kind of thing. He went beyond that. He went more into "I'm dating your mom, and I'll do anything I have to to get you to think I'm awesome". The boys are going to absolutely lose it when they see what he got them, I think.

My parents seem to really like him so far, too. Of course, my dad says anything is an improvement over my ex, so it's still kind of hard to judge. But they got along really well, and D scored major points by not being intimidated or afraid of my dad. EVERYONE is always terrified of my dad, so the man who is not impresses me in a big way.

But I did end up getting insecure, more than once, and almost ruining the little bit of time that we had together. Lucky for me, he's a very forgiving and patient man, and isn't willing to let my insecurities get in the way of our relationship, even though I seem to be trying to. I'm working really hard on getting past all that stupid crap, though. D is too wonderful to let go.

All my Christmas shopping is done. Everything is wrapped, except for a last couple of gifts for D from the boys, only because they haven't gotten here yet. I ordered them, but apparently there's been some kind of delay. So...he has his gift from me on the truck with him, but he won't get his gifts from the boys until he gets home. It sucks. And he won't be here for Christmas, which really sucks. I told him I would use the video function on my camera to tape the boys opening his gifts and then e-mail it to him so he can at least see it.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for my parents for Christmas. There's not much I can think of that's new or different from what I've done before, and they really don't need any more of that kind of stuff.

Kids are out of school for the break. Two weeks at home.....aaaahhhh! I don't think I'll survive it. Someone save me now! Seriously, it's not THAT bad. But I didn't get a whole lot of sleep while D was home, and I'm trying to catch up, but...well, it takes a while, ya know? And trying to keep two kids away from the tree and the presents and keep them entertained when funds are limited so you're pretty much stuck at home is...well, not fun.

Oh, and just to give you a laugh...while D was home, most nights after the boys went to bed at 9, he and I would leave and go out. Since it was pretty much our only time alone together, we'd be out til quite late, usually about 3am (now you know why I'm so tired!). Well, on I think the second night, I came sneaking in as quietly as I could, trying not to trip or stub a toe or do anything that might make noise and wake up the house. I'd left the tree lights on when I left, thinking to use them to see by. Well, my mother turned them off. So I'm kind of sliding my feet thru the house. I get to my room, turn on my light, put my purse down and turn to go to the bathroom and change for bed. There's my 8 yr old, arms folded across his chest with this look on his face.

"Where have you been?"

"Out with D. Go to bed."

"Do you know what time it is? You have to get up in the morning."

"Yes, I do know what time it is. Do you? And yes, I know I have to get up in the morning. Go to bed."

"Why did the light keep coming on and off?" (We have motion activated lights.)

Oops.

"D and I were talking. Go to bed."

"Mom, you have responsibilities. You can't stay out this late."

"Go to bed!"

Finally, my mini father goes back to bed.

That evening, comes out that not only does my 8 yr old know what time I'm getting home, so does everyone else, except my 6 yr old. So much for thinking I was sneaking in and being quiet.

Even Bigger Big Changes

2009-11-29T21:27:00.002-05:00

So, the move is complete. Well, mostly. Everything is out of the old house, and into the new place. Slowly things are getting put in their new places, as we figure out where those places are. In the meantime, my bedroom is a maze of boxes and I feel as though I'm on a reality game show everytime I try to go from one spot to another.

D & I have taken a huge step in our relationship. We said THAT word. :) It is really very funny how it all happened. I've been thinking for some time now that I am in love with him, but I didn't want to say it. I was afraid it was too soon, too much, too...everything. Apparently, he was wrestling with the same thoughts. The night before last, he was twisting himself into a pretzel thinking through the whole thing out loud before he finally said, "Damn it, I love you!". It was awesome. Have to say though, it's the first time anyone has declared their love for me using the words "damn it". LOL It was a huge relief to have said it now, though.

We also decided he's going to meet C & J when he's home next time. I think it's time. I always swore I'd never bring someone around my kids until he'd been a part of my life for at least 6 months, and that it would have to be serious. But this is different. I think it definitely qualifies under the serious restriction. And although it hasn't been 6 months, there's just something telling me that waiting would be a mistake. I don't want the kids to feel left out. And I think that in 6 months, things may be so serious and so far along that the kids will really feel as though I left them out and didn't want to include them. And I can't do that to them. Plus, I really want them to like him. I think they will, I can't really see why they wouldn't, but they are kids. Kids can be fickle. Plus, they've never had to share me with anyone else(well, C did but he doesn't remember his father living in the same house, so might as well say he never did), and they might think that he is trying to take me away from them. It's better that they meet him now so that there is ample opportunity for them to realize he doesn't want to take me away from them, but just to share me with them.

He's also going to meet my parents. I'm not really sure anymore which is the bigger step in a relationship: meeting the kids or meeting the parents. I suppose it doesn't really matter, as either way is a big deal and is a way of moving the relationship forward into very serious territory.

There'a new country song by Darius Rucker called "History In The Making". The first time I went to meet D, I heard the song 3 different times on 3 different stations on the car stereo. I tried not to think too much of it at the time, but it kind of stuck with me. The first time he kissed me, I kind of heard it in my head. And sometime during our second date I fell in love with him, and thought of that song again. Ok, who am I kidding with the "sometime" crap? I know exactly when it happened. It happened when we were in the museum, standing there looking at this really amazing motorcycle, and he bent down to take a closer look at something, and twisted his arm at this really awkward angle just so he could keep holding my hand, and I was just looking at him while he did that and I just thought right at that moment, "Oh, my God, I am in love with this man." He's just...amazing. I really, truly love him.

I've never been happier than I am right now.

Moving, Holidays, Kids...slowly going insane, I think

2009-11-25T17:51:00.002-05:00

We are moving this weekend, and although I've gotten quite a bit packed up and ready to go, there is still soooo much more that needs to be done. And the kids are....no help at all, of course. I tell them to sort their toys, and I get hours upon hours of whining. Then, when they actually do it, they must be overly dramatic and either throw away everything, including their favorite toys, or be desperately attached to each and every toy and find it absolutely impossible to part with it. Why can't they just be simple and decide to toss this and keep that? But then again, I am the mother who is going through every piece of artwork, every school paper and report card they have ever brought home and finding reasons to save them. So, I guess I should stop throwing stones before I break the glass house I'm living in.

I've gotten most of my Christmas shopping done for the kids. I still don't know what I'm going to do for my parents. And I'm also trying to figure out what I'm going to get D. I want to get him something special, something nice, but...it's hard. I mean, I know a LOT about him, but still...what do you get for a guy you've only recently started dating, and will have only been together with for a little over a month when Christmas arrives?

I still have to get a couple more small items for the boys, and some clothes. C is outgrowing his clothes faster than I can keep up. J isn't doing too shabby in the growing department himself, but at least with him, I can just give him his brother's old clothes. Well, when C hasn't completely shredded them or made them filthy beyond repair, which often happens, it seems.

And for the last week or so, C & J keep waking up fighting, and it continues all day. I asked C the other morning if he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and his response was to tell me he got off the end of it. Clearly we didn't get it.

The worst part so far is that there was no school today, and it was cold and rainy all day. Being cooped up with two rambunctious, arguing boys is NOT fun, in case you were wondering. I did manage to get them outside for a few brief minutes this afternoon, maybe a half hour, but it was not enough. Although they do seem to be getting along slightly better, but that, I think, is soon to change, if the rumblings from the sofa are any indication.

I'm looking forward to getting this move over with so that we can get on with things. Feeling stuck in limbo is driving me crazy. And of course, the fact that once this move is over, it's only a little more than a week, maybe two, before I get to see D again helps too.

Every time I talk to him, I fall more and more for him. He's so sweet, and nice, and funny. He's always making me laugh or smile. He asks about the kids, he knows their names, he wants to meet them. Even though I always wanted it, I thought it was too much to ask that a guy accept my kids. And yet he has, fully and completely. That alone would make me weak in the knees for him, but then when you add in everything else, he's quickly turning out to be everything I've ever wanted in a man.

Now, if the kids could just stop fighting...and if my house would pack itself...and if I could find a decent job...my life would be perfect. Oh, who am I kidding? It's pretty great as is.

He Thinks I Make Killer Banana Bread :)

2009-11-24T12:38:00.002-05:00

As if I didn't think D was already awesome, now I got to hear him brag about me. As I may or may not have mentioned before, he's an OTR truck driver. He also trains new drivers. Right now, he has a student on the truck with him. When he was home last week, I made him some banana bread, which he absolutely loved.

Last night, he asked what the kids and I were having for dinner, which happened to be meatball subs and fried spaghetti. He'd never heard of fried spaghetti, but when he repeated it, his student had and made a joke that he'd be right over. That was when D told him "Oh, she makes a killer banana bread, too!". He wants more banana bread the next time he is home. I have no problem obliging. :)

I hate the fact that he is gone for 3 weeks at a time, but I have never been happier than I am right now. I love the thought of him coming home and being in his arms, kissing him and holding him. I wish I could do it the entire time he's home, but alas, we both have things that have to be done. But I do plan on spending as much time in his arms as possible.

I made a joke yesterday that I was going to put a love potion in the banana bread. He said it wouldn't take much. I think I could easily end up falling in love with this man, if I haven't already. I'm trying so hard to remind myself to take it slow and not rush things, but damn, it's hard when you've got such an incredible man.

Big Changes

2009-11-22T18:31:00.001-05:00

So, last time I blogged, D and I were just talking on the phone and such, and I was very interested. Well, now we have actually met, and are officially "together". It became official on our second date. :) There was such an instant connection, such great chemistry right from our very first date. We've both already made references to the future, talking about things we'll do next year, and while those kind of things might scare me with someone else, it doesn't with him. We're both already thinking about the whole meeting the family thing, and both think it's going to happen sooner rather than later. My parents are already pretty impressed with him just based on things I've told them. Which, granted, is all good stuff, since I want them to like him. I want the kids to like him too, but they're a little harder to finesse, since I have to worry about making sure they don't get hurt if this all falls apart. But, I really don't think I have to worry about that.

This man just amazes me. When he holds me, I feel so safe and secure, and I just never want to leave his embrace. I love it when he kisses me, and it always makes me smile when he kisses my forehead or the top of my head. I love holding his hand, I love hearing his voice. I never thought I'd be this into someone that I've only known a very short time, and yet...here I am.

Wow!

2009-11-12T20:00:00.001-05:00

I've been slightly...distracted(?) and therefore have neglected my blog.

New guy and I have been talking...well, pretty much constantly. Well, sometimes we don't really talk, we just kind of sit there on the phone in silence. And yet somehow, it's not awkward or feeling like it's an indication that things aren't going well. It's more like...comfortable, I guess. It's nice.

He impresses me more with each conversation. He fully accepts my kids. He doesn't refer to them as "the kids" or "the boys" or some other way that kind of seems to keep them at a distance...he'll actually use their names. And he remembers the things that happen. Such as....

J threatened to kill his teacher the day before yesterday. He got mad at her because she disciplined him for some other thing he had done wrong, so he decided to tell some classmates he would kill her. Needless to say, she wrote me a note regarding the situation. I wrote her back and told her how sorry I was that he would say something like that, assured her I had talked to him, and told her that even though he said he had apologized, that he was to do so again. I mentioned this to new guy (let's call him D, shall we?), and mentioned all this to D. Today, he asked me if J had apologized to his teacher, and when I said that J told me he had, asked me if I was sure. This prompted me to e-mail the teacher to confirm.

He also remembers things that I don't even remember mentioning. I mentioned having gone to school for phlebotomy and he remembered that and brought it up in another conversation. I had to go back and read thru our conversations because I didn't even remember mentioning it. It's little things like that that just melt me, and he doesn't even know it.

I don't know what it is about him, but there is something that just makes me excited to talk to him, disappointed to have to end our phone calls, and incredibly glad that I signed up for a dating site out of boredom and then contacted him. When I read his profile, I was instantly drawn. But, I hesitated a moment before actually hitting the "Send Message" button. After the fiasco with my ex-boyfriend, and the disaster that was my marriage, I've still been hesitant about starting something new. But, I just couldn't resist and I figured that it wouldn't go very far. Thinking that we'd end up as nothing more than friends, or that one or both of us would quickly lose interest, I sent that first message.

And now here I am, deeply interested in a guy I've yet to meet, but desperately want to meet. I'm so comfortable when I talk to him, I find myself telling him things that I've never told anyone else. I say things without thinking. I usually think about how stupid something will make me sound, or worry about looking like a goofball or something. But with him...it just comes out. I don't worry that he'll laugh at me, and even if he does laugh at me, I'm usually laughing too.

I don't know where this is going, but I have high hopes and I really think it's going to be a good thing, if not a great thing.

Soooo.....

2009-11-06T17:35:00.003-05:00

The kids brought home their report cards yesterday. C still has a D in math, which he knows I'm not happy about, but the rest of his grades are C's & B's, which although they could be better, I'll accept. Conduct is still S in all, so I'm proud of him for that. He's come quite a long way with his ADHD. J came home with all E's & S's, and S's in conduct. He's doing really great.

I had to get a new printer today. I discovered the other morning that my old one was not compatible with Vista. I checked, before I got my new computer, to make sure that all my different software would be compatible, never even thought about the stupid printer until I tried to print something out for the kids' teachers and it wouldn't print.

J had his field trip today, and he came home thrilled to death. The most exciting part of his day: a tie between milking the goat and petting the pig...on the butt. Kids are strange.

I no longer have cause to complain about jerks, liars and losers...well, for now, anyway. I've been talking to this man lately, and I'm very interested in him. Maybe more than I should be, I don't know. I really like him a lot. He makes me laugh, and if he's not making me laugh, he's at least making me smile. He's a really nice guy, and every time I talk to him, I find myself liking him even more. I haven't met him yet, although I really want to. I'm just not sure if he likes me as much as I like him. I'd like to think he does, but...it's been a while since I got to this point with a new guy. When Crazy Ex-Boyfriend and I got together, we had known each other before, so there really wasn't that whole getting to know each other and figuring out where we stand phase. We just kind of jumped right in, since we already knew each other...and he'd made it pretty clear how he felt about me.

Most of the guys I've talked to lately, after two or three conversations, I find myself losing interest. I don't even know why. But every time I talk to him, I enjoy it and I hate it when we have to hang up or stop instant messaging. And if I don't lose interest in them (which is usually the case), they decide they don't want to deal with the fact that I have kids, which is especially annoying when they already knew I have them before the first conversation even started. Not only does he not mind that I have kids, but he actually listens to me blab on and on about them or to them (or at least, he pretends to listen). I've even found myself telling him things I've never told anyone else. I'm not sure if that should make me happy or scare me.

I don't know what's going to happen with him, but I know what I hope will happen.

E and I are still friends, but neither one of us wants more than that. We don't really have enough in common for more than that, and he seems to want someone that can pick up at a moment's notice to go to dinner or whatever. He didn't mind the kids, but he just needs someone who can be more spontaneous. No big deal, no drama there. :)

By the way, speaking of men, is anyone looking for a slightly clingy, unintentionally annoying, more than ready for a commitment kind of guy? Because I know one that I would just love to see him happy...with someone else.

Halloween Night and Creepy Guys

2009-11-01T22:25:00.001-05:00

Halloween really wasn't that great this year. The local church was supposedly having "Trunk or Treat", but they didn't bother to list the time. So the kids missed that. The Haunted House toned down the scariness so much that the kids weren't the least bit impressed, and actually, I think they were quite bored with it. The Haunted Woods didn't start until too late, so they missed that. And there were 5 houses in our entire neighborhood that actually handed out candy, and one of those was my parents. The kids did get some candy, and had a little fun, but not as much as usual, and they were really disappointed that they didn't get to do as much as they usually do. This year was really a letdown.

As I've mentioned before, I keep getting a lot of liars responding to my profile online. Namely one who keeps lying about his age. Well, now he's gone from "liar" to "creepy desperate loser". I sent him a message pretty much calling him a liar, and he sends me a poem about how much he loves me and hates being so far away (a poem which a friend pointed out that he probably cut and pasted from somewhere, and he is probably right). That was really creepy. If someone called me a liar, my response would not be to profess my love for them. Especially if they were a stranger to me. So, I told the creepy desperate loser to leave me alone, and I've not heard from him since, so I'm hoping this was the last of him.

Well, it's late and I think I'm off to bed.

How Things Change

2009-10-30T18:35:00.004-04:00

Before I had kids, dating was easy. I was free whenever I wanted to go out, and I could date guys who were of slightly iffy character, because I didn't have to worry about anyone but me. And I (stupidly in retrospect) thought that I could take care of myself just fine and had nothing to worry about.

My ex-husband changed all of that. Not just because he gave me the two kids that I now have to worry about, but because he was such a major *insert REALLY dirty word here* that my standards have gotten drastically higher.

While they are higher, I don't think my standards are really that much to ask. I want a man that is mentally stable (by mentally stable I mean don't tell me aliens are your best friend or that you're in love with me 5 seconds after we met). I want someone who actually wants to be with me, and is willing to give up other women to do so. Someone who can make me laugh, and who, although he might have the power to break my heart, won't actually do it just because he can. And is it really so much to ask that he be honest? And I don't just mean on the big things. If you're 28, tell me that. Don't lie and say you're 39. I mean, really. I can tell just by looking at you that you're not. And oh, if you're married, pass me by. I know what it's like to be the wife sitting at home thinking my husband is out with his "buddy" while in reality he's banging the bartender at his favorite bar. Now, I'm not a bartender, but I refuse to play her role in your version.

My friends keep telling me that I can find guys who meet these standards. I hope they're right. E is certainly nice enough, so they're probably right. But E and I are only going to be friends, I think. I did just start talking to someone else, and so far, he seems really nice. We've only had a couple of conversations so far, though, so we'll see.

And on another note, if you want a really good laugh, find a 6 yr old boy and teach him to sing "Superfreak". J heard this on the Visa commercial the other day, and for the last week has run around the house singing, "She's a superfreak, superfreak, she's superfreaky". It might not be entirely appropriate, but it is completely hilarious.

Halloween

2009-10-20T12:15:00.006-04:00

My sons have decided that this year, they want to be lizards for Halloween. Not only that, but they want me to MAKE the costumes. Do you know the enormity of this task? The easiest I can find is using a pillowcase and even that one does not sound as simple as I would like. Why can't children pick easy things to be, like a hobo (I can throw old clothes on them, let them roll around in the dirt and there we are), or a vampire or something?

This weekend, we are going to the local farm for their Fall Fun Nights. They have a hay maze, a reptile exhibit in the barn, a moonlight hayride, and some other really interesting things. The boys are excited beyond belief at the thought of going to the farm after dark, wandering a maze and riding through a cow pasture, smelling manure and looking at the moon. My mom is going to go with us, since my ankle is not yet 100%. I need a little back up in case something happens.

Then, on Halloween, or rather the day before, we are going to go to a haunted house that is being held here in town. This I am a bit nervous about, I will admit. Wandering in the dark, thru a maze, with someone who doesn't know I've been injured intentionally trying to scare me. Yeah, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. Yet, I will do it, for my children. It is amazing the lengths we go to to make our children happy and keep them entertained.

There's also a haunted woods being hosted by a local cub scout troop, but I am very hesitant about that one. Wandering in the woods with someone intentionally trying to scare me sounds even more disasterous than the maze. Maybe next year.

Thursday night, we have a school function to go to. They serve dinner, and then they are going to talk to us about helping our kids read and give us tips on helping them get excited and wanting to read. This will be the 4th time I've gone, and frankly, I'm a little tired of it. It's the same stuff every year. But, the boys get very excited about eating dinner at school, and since it's a meal that I don't have to cook, we go. One year, they had a little fair outside, with a bouncy house, an inflatable slide, fire truck, and the county sheriff's helicopter. That was much more fun than the typical. Unfortunately, we're back to the typical.

They have a new principal at the school this year. Mr. Z retired at the end of the last school year. I only met him once, or maybe twice, but he certainly seemed involved and to care about the students. This new principal, Mr. C claims to care about the school, and the students, and to listen to your concerns. I personally doubt his sincerity. It's difficult to put into words, but when I had to meet with him a couple of weeks ago about my concerns with my son's homework and his substitute teacher, I felt very strongly that although his words indicated concern and that he would try to eliminate my concerns, that his intention was to simply get me out of his office. As I told a friend of mine later that afternoon, one who also has a student there and who doesn't like Mr. C, I'll let it go for now, but the moment I think my son's education is being impacted by this man and his seeming lack of concern, I will be back in that school, and I will make sure something is done, even if it ends up being that I remove my children from that school and send them somewhere else or homeschool them. I don't want to resort to that, I love this school and so far, I have always felt my children were getting an above average education there, considering FCAT and all the other things that inhibit teachers from giving a real education, but I will not have my children suffer under the rule of a principal that doesn't truly care about his students and is only in it for the politics.

I've gotten a few responses to my online dating profile. And I've responded to a few profiles on my own. We'll see where things go. It helps if they're honest with me about facts, like you know...age, marital status, having kids. I mean, do you really think when you're 28 and you tell me that you're 39 that I won't eventually find out? And while I'm flattered that you are so interested in me, you're willing to lie and make yourself older in order to get my attention, I'm not THAT flattered.

Dating is hard when you have kids...

2009-10-18T11:46:00.007-04:00

So, as I mentioned in my previous post, I've begun dating again. Well...sort of. I am talking to someone, call him E, but we've yet to have an actual "date". I don't think it's for lack of trying though. He tries to ask me out, but he does it at the last minute, which is not a good thing when you have kids. I can't just pick up and go, although pre-kids, I would have.

Anyway, last night is a good example. We were chatting online and then decided to chat on the phone instead. It was about 8pm. We were chatting, and then he asked me if I'd had dinner yet. I said yes, because the kids and I had eaten early. He then said he was getting ready to make some pasta with shrimp. He was trying to ask me to dinner, but since it was last minute, I'd already eaten and getting a sitter would have proven...well, impossible.

He's very nice, and he expresses a real interest in me. I hate it when men try to "play it cool" and pretend they aren't interested. That just drives me nuts. He has a stutter, which although mildly distracting, I also find rather sweet and attractive. But we do seem to have that stumbling block of him not really getting it that I have kids and can't just pick up and go at the drop of a hat. So, we'll see.

And on another note, I found out today that my ex-husband is engaged. This is not distressing news to me, although he and his ego probably think it is or should be. I actually find it rather amusing. I almost (key word here being "almost") feel sorry for her. She has no idea what she is getting herself into. This actually could be a very good thing for me, and my children, because if he marries her and focuses on having children with her, he will not bother to come around and try to influence my children. Some people would say that I am wrong for feeling this way, but when you look at his past history, and the kind of person he is, I have very strong, valid reasons for not wanting him to be an influence on my sons. And anything that gets him going the opposite direction from us is something that I welcome.

The weather has cooled off considerably this weekend, and although it will not last, I welcome it. It is beautiful, and I love being able to sit outside while the kids play without feeling like I could be served with potatoes and carrots for dinner. In fact, right now it is 12:10pm and only 58 degrees outside. Lovely!

And on that note, I think I will take the kids outside.

Life (and my computer) has moved on...

2009-10-17T18:30:00.004-04:00

Well, since my last post many things have happened. The most recent of which being that I had to replace my computer. I was having tons and tons of trouble, not the least of which being that I had no sound at all (which, after getting the new computer, I discovered was actually the monitor and NOT the computer). So, I got a new computer, which is actually pretty cool anyway. It has Vista, which I am so far finding to be much easier than XP. We'll see, though.

On another note, I've also managed to have start, have, and end a fairly serious relationship. I actually got back together with an old boyfriend, only to discover that he is....well, the nicest way to put this is to say he is unstable. He holds some...ideas that are not only hard to swallow, but difficult not to find terrifying. On top of which, he also has a drinking problem, one which he not only will not acknowledge, but not get help for either. More problems than I can deal with.

So, our shortlived relationship lasted 5 months. When he told me aliens were standing at his front door looking in at him, the words "I think we need to see other people" tumbled out of my mouth before I even realized I wanted to say them. That was about a month ago, I guess.

I've moved on. I have actually posted a profile on a couple of dating sites, and so far have met one or two nice guys. Well, "met" might not quite be the right word. We talk online, and have spoken on the phone a time or two. I've also managed to find a crazy or two. That seems to be my life. I find a nice guy, and two crazy men tag along behind him. I have been talking to one though that although we have not talked much, I think he's very nice. He is very, very cute, and he seems incredibly sweet. We'll see where it goes, and if nothing else, I think he'll make a great friend.

The kids are back in school. C has a sub right now, for the next 5 weeks or so, which his regular teacher is out on maternity leave. This has been a struggle. C and the sub do not get along well at all. And I myself have had a run in with her, although I will admit that part of mine may have been impacted by the fact that at first sight, she strongly reminded me of my dead grandmother, whom I did not get along with at all. J is in Kindergarten this year, and he is doing splendidly so far. He's had few behavior issues, and his academics are outstanding. I'm hoping it will stay this way.

They both have field trips coming up in the next couple of weeks, one to the local petting farm, the other to a local museum. They should both have loads of fun. We, as a family, are going to go to the farm next weekend for their Fall Fun Nights, where they have a hay maze, a reptile exhibit, a nighttime hay ride, and many other things. Halloween night, or somewhere right around then, we are going to a haunted house. Trick or treating is an iffy proposition this year, as one of the other recent developments was breaking my ankle.

Back in July, I broke my ankle when I stepped in a hole the dog dug. I broke it in two places, and had to have surgery. Two screws were put in the joint of my ankle. I have only recently (as in Tuesday) begun walking with absolutely no assistance. I got off the crutches mid-September, but still had to wear a walking boot. Now, I'm boot free! It still hurts, but not as bad. The progress is very very slow, but very very sure.

Well, that's all the updates for now.

Full Moon Delay

2009-04-15T11:07:00.004-04:00

The full moon was last Thursday, but I believe there's been a delay to it's effects this month. My kids have been nuts the last couple of days. Just totally spazzing, not listening, it's like they're a couple of animals. I was fully prepared for this kind of behavior...last Thursday. And really, even Friday, because my kids aren't big on following rules of logic, although logic and the full moon don't really go together, do they? Well, anyway, I was prepared for this last week. When it didn't happen, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and did a little happy dance out of sight in my bedroom, joyful that this behavior stayed away this month. Then...this week. It starts. And I wasn't prepared. So I've been going crazy Monday and yesterday.

And before that...do you know what I hate about owning my own home? There's no landlord to call when things go wrong. For the last few weeks, we had some really gorgeous weather. Beautiful sunny days, comfortable temperatures. We were able to open the windows every day, let the fresh air in, and be very comfortable. This is something that only happens twice a year in this part of the country, and usually we're lucky if it lasts a week. But, then after the little cold snap last week, I knew the heat was on it's way, so I decided to turn on the air conditioning. This did not go well.

My parents were mowing the yard, so we were outside. I flipped on the a/c and went back outside. I come in an hour or so later, to find that my house is now warmer than outside. I discover that my a/c is blowing heat, because the reverse valve (the thingie that makes it go back and forth between heat and a/c) isn't...well, reversing. This is not an easy thing to fix, did you know that? I know that. Now.

It took us all weekend to get this figured out and fixed. And the sad part? It was my mother who fixed it! My mom rocks! I told her she's my new hero. It was a very hot, harsh weekend for us. But by late Sunday afternoon, we had a/c, and it was blissful, wonderful relief to feel it.

Even with the heat, my kids had so much fun. They were so ready to color eggs, they wanted to start before I even boiled the eggs. It was really pretty funny.

Speaking of the eggs, the dog and I have to have a talk. The dog tried to give me up! My kids tend to get up very early, even on the weekends (a horrendous habit I am trying mightily to break them of), so I got up at about 4am to put the eggs out, because my wonderfully innocent babies still believe in the Easter Bunny, and I don't want them to know otherwise just yet. So, here I am with a carton full of eggs and a flashlight, stepping gingerly on tiptoes and holding my breath to hide eggs, and what does the damn dog do? Starts growling and barking at the flashlight beam, which he can just barely see through the blinds. And of course, I can't just yell at him to shut up! I did manage to successfully hide the eggs, get back to bed, and get some more sleep, with the kids being blissfully unaware. They were amazed at where the Easter Bunny hid the eggs this year, and thrilled at what he put in their baskets.

And while we're on the subject of Easter, did you know that apparently, when you go to your child's class at school, you are there, not for your child, but to socialize with other adults? This was news to me. I went on Friday to J's class, to color eggs, and watch Wizard of Oz with him. I spent my time there with him. I sat with him, talked to him, laughed with him, and helped him color his eggs. As I did this, I watched 3 other mothers come in, talk to other mothers and the teacher and completely ignore thier children's presence in the room. One even told her daughter to go away, that she'd talk to her later! What is the point of going to your child's class if you are just going to ignore him or her? I mean, really. I went to spend time with my son, to give him a special memory of some one on one time he got to spend with mommy, without having to share me with his brother. I didn't go to stand around and talk to other adults, something I can do anytime, anywhere, and not have to ignore my kid to do so.

I've bought a new camera. It should be here tomorrow, so I will be posting tons of new pictures in the coming weeks, as I put my new camera through it's paces. Keep checking.

Easter Eggs, Report Cards and why I'm a single mom

2009-04-11T18:37:00.002-04:00

We colored our Easter eggs today. Every year, I obssessively inspect twelve eggs as they go in the pan. There are never any cracks, crevices, or weak spots crying "Don't boil me!" that I can see. I add water, heat, and about 10 minutes later, I have nine very nice eggs, and three that sport any of a variety of cracks: spiderweb, equator style, and Humpty Dumpty style. This year I had all three styles of cracks. How does this happen. What happens during that brief window of time when water and heat are present to cause these perfect eggs to become a mess? And why do I then eat multi-colored egg salad the week following Easter? The boys think the colored egg white is really cool when they do it, but ask them to eat it? Oh, goodness no! That's like asking them to eat rat poison, which I suspect they might be more willing to eat.

C brought home his report card on Thursday. This child has made me so proud. He's in 2nd grade, so they don't yet do the A/B/C/D/F grades, they do E/S/N/U, for Excellent, Satisfactory, Needs Improvement, and Unsatisfactory, same as the conduct/behavior grades. He came home with all S's for his academics, and all E's and S's for his behavior. This child struggled with reading and math all year, and had tons of trouble last year and in Kindergarten due to his ADHD. To have improved this much is such a wonderful thing, and I am so proud of him.

On that same day, he also scared the crap out of me. He and J are real big on finding....well, any living creature they can: lizards, frogs, toads, grasshoppers, beetles, whatever. That afternoon, they were digging by a pile of rocks, and I heard the word "worm" on the breeze a couple of times, so I wasn't overly concerned about what they were doing. Until a few minutes later when C shouts to me, "We found a snake!" I, of course, as mothers do, flip out. "What are you doing? Put the snake down!"

"It's just a little one!"

"I don't care! Put it down!"

"But it's tiny. It can't hurt us!"

I get a jar and demand that my child immediately deposit this tiny, little can't-hurt-us snake into the jar. He does, but very reluctantly and giving me the evil glare that says I'm the wicked witch of the west carrying Dorothy off to my castle.

I come inside to look the snake up on the internet, with stern warnings and threats of bodily harm to my sons of what will happen if they dare to touch another snake. Fortunately, they were right, it wasn't venomous. It was a Florida Crowned Snake, completely harmless to humans, and apparently fully grown at it's incredibly tiny size. I have some pictures that, once I calmed down, I took and will post later. I let them keep the snake for a couple of days, and this morning, we set him (her? it?) free in the front yard, so it could go on it's merry way. Then, we had another talk about leaving snakes alone and how it's not nice to give Mom a heart attack by catching one and then insisting that it's not going to hurt you.

I belong to a website for moms. It's a website where you can join groups that revolve around a variety of topics, and ask questions in various forums on numerous parenting issues, including relationships, cooking, and the different stages of your child's life. Recently, there was an article in a popular entertainment magazine about Jamie Lynn Spears and how she isn't going to get married right now. There was also a recent announcement that Sarah Palin's daughter and her boyfriend/father of her child broke up. And then, of course, there's Octomom.

Now, on the website I belong to, there are some very...young moms that have taken the stance that these girls/women are right, in not marrying. They are of the opinion that "you don't need a man to have a baby". Now, I am only 30, so I am not from that generation where unwed mothers got sent off to live in a convent or the desert until the child was born and then returned claiming they just had a nasty case of pnuemonia. But, the women making these comments are one of two things: they don't have kids yet (usually, they are pregnant), or they are happily married to the love of their life. Now, my question to them is: Do they really think that we CHOSE this life?

Let me be clear: I did not CHOOSE to be a single mother. I didn't get pregnant with the intention of raising my children alone. Yes, I was not yet married when I got pregnant with my oldest child. And yes, I did tell his father that I was not going to marry him simply because he got me pregnant, and yes I did mean it. But still, it was not my choice. It happened, and I was going to do what I needed to in order to care for and raise my child, even if that meant going it alone. But it was not my choice: it was not what I used to dream about when I would be waiting to fall asleep at night, it was not my goal in life, to get a good job and then have a couple of kids and raise them alone. I intended to raise them in a partnership, with their father. That did not work out. Their father was not capable of being a good father and husband, and I reached my breaking point, the point at which being a single mom sounded better than being his wife.

But, still I would never, ever tell anyone that being a single parent, mom or dad, is a good idea. It's hard. There is no one to share the load, no one to help discipline or share disappointments, no one to celebrate with. No one to take over when I get sick, no one to cook when I am too tired. No one to ground them, to order them to take a bath, feed the dog, or go to bed, just me.

I love my children, and I would not trade them for anything, and if I had to go back, knowing how it would all turn out, I still would do it all over again. But, with that said, I got the impression from what I read about Bristol Palin that she is promoting abstinence. That's all well and good, but I have to say, I don't think I want my kids looking to her for suggestions on how to handle their sex lives. Whether she intends to or not, she looks like a hypocrit, and sets a bad example for teenage girls. To stand there, while holding your baby in your arms and say "don't have sex", makes you look like a hypocrit. And naturally, she looks great. Her family has money, more than most single moms, and so she has people to take the baby while she does her hair and make up before going in front of the cameras. It sets the wrong image in a teenage girl's mind of what motherhood is like.

I just had to get that off my chest.

One of those days...and beyond

2009-04-06T17:23:00.003-04:00

Today was the first day back to school after Spring Break. Yay, right? Ha.

C and I have this thing, every morning, where we drop J off at his classroom, and then C goes from J's classroom to his own. J's is a portable, so I drive away. As I drive away, C walks along the sidewalk and waves to me. It's our own little thing, just a little special something we share. And he forgot this morning! It was rather disappointing.

But that wasn't the worst part of my day. No, that was something else entirely, something that actually had no effect on my family at all, but still just blew me away. In our area, there was something that happened that led to a high speed chase between the cops and a suspect or suspects, during which the suspect(s) fired on the officers. From what I understand, no one was hurt by any of this, which is a huge relief. BUT, apparently, a school bus for our school system got shot. No kids were on the bus, and the driver was not hurt, it just broke a window and dented the bus body. As good as that is to hear, here's the problem: The school system calls to let you know when things happen, to reassure and comfort. Nice, right? Nope. The call is a recording and it starts like this: "As you have probably heard by now, one of our buses was shot today." Uh.....NO, I HADN'T HEARD THAT YET! I mean, really? This is how we reassure parents, by announcing blythly news they probably HAVEN'T heard yet? Honestly, I was home all day, except for a couple of errands, and had been to our local news websites, and had no knowledge of this bus. So, I imagine the parents who were working or out running around all day had even less knowledge of what happened this morning than I did. So, perhaps that was not the best way to start that "reassuring" phone call. It seems to me that someone needs to remind our school superintendent about the old cat on a roof.

Could the superintendent really not come up with something better than what he did? I mean, how about "We want to reassure you about our commitment to your child's safety. With that in mind, we would like to inform you about an incident that took place today. Firs,t let me reassure you that no one was injured, and no one was in any danger of being injured..." and the move on to the bus being in a shootout. Hey, maybe I can apply for the superintendent's job?

Oh, and the last not so great part of today? The kids are grounded. No outside for a week. What fun. Hours of afternoon and brightly lit evening listening to "Please, can we go outside?" I hate when I have to do this to them. Not just because they hate it, and they whine, but because I really like them being outside. So many kids these days sit around watching the boob tube or playing video games, instead of being outside, getting fresh air and exercise. Don't get me wrong, my kids watch plenty of TV and play their fair share of video games, but they spend most of their free time playing outside. And, also, in the interest of honesty, the video games aren't that bad. They're the V-Smile educational games, no violence, and very helpful with their education. They get to play some games on the computer, as well, but again: educational only. After seeing how their father got addicted to video games, I'm going to make sure if they develop an addiction, at least it will be a helpful one.

I must go prepare for what will hopefully be the last cold snap of the season. I'm thinking of starting a petition that, if you are outside in shorts for Spring Break, wishing you could swim, that there cannot be any more cold snaps after that. Do you think it'll work?

I didn't think so either.

But a girl has to have some dreams, right?

Can't Win

2009-03-16T09:24:00.004-04:00

Back in September, we got a dog. He's a beautiful pit, such a sweet and gentle dog, but loyal and protective right down to the bone. And I think we shall rename him Peter Pan, because on Friday I ensured he would remain forever a boy, never to grow up and be a man.

I took the dog to the local animal center, to the Neuter Commuter to get him fixed. This was kind of a rough decision for me. He's a purebred, so I was pretty hesitant. I was thinking that maybe someday there would be the possibility of breeding him with a female, because he is such a gorgeous dog. But after the first time my son told me to look and wasn't it sweet how the dog was hugging him, and I realized that the dog WASN'T hugging him, I decided that it would be best. Of course, the decision was made after my very hasty shout, "Oh, yeah, that's real sweet...now make him get down!".

It wasn't just because the dog tried to make a man out of my boy that I decided this though. It was other things, too. Like the way the dog tries to take a chunk out of everyone save 6 people: me, my 2 boys, my 2 parents, and his original owner. I've read and talked to people and learned that frequently, neutering can curb some of that. And the fact that his un-neutered tags would be $35, and his neutered tags will only be $3 also had a not insignificant role in the decision making process.

But what really got to me about this whole process is the idiocy that goes along with it. I had to call and set up an appointment. When they set up the appointment, they make a point of telling you not to give the dog food after 6pm the day before, and no water after midnight. All this because it might interfere with the surgery. Great, no problem.

Until I get there. Because Peter Pan (hehe) doesn't like strangers too much, I decided that given the strange surroundings, stressful circumstances, and the fact that I don't know what he'll do when out and about like that, that I would muzzle him as a safety precaution. I don't really think he would bite anyone, but why take that chance?

Apparently, I should have taken that chance. They told me they might not do the surgery because I muzzled him. When I politely tell the woman that that is something they should mention on the phone when setting up the appointment, her response is that they ASSUME that all the dogs coming in are "socialized". My response? "Well, I ASSUMED that you would tell me that he couldn't be muzzled." And since THEY are the ones who deal with this everyday, THEY should know to mention something like this. He did get his surgery, and he is a...well, let's not call him happy just yet, ok?

But, that brings me to my problems. If I hadn't muzzled him, and he'd bitten a person or another animal, then I'd have been yelled at for not taking precautions and muzzling him. But when I do muzzle him, I'm told that I shouldn't do that. I just can't win.

And while we're on the subject, let's discuss this "socialization". I have to say, I'm quite sick of hearing about this. Everyone wants me to take my dog around and basically introduce him to all the people and animals in the neighborhood, and I'm sorry, but I won't do it. Pretty much the reason I agreed to get Peter Pan was because I thought he would be good protection for my family and my home. I am not going to defeat that purpose by making him friendly to the world. I want him to protect us, not lick the burglar while he steals all my stuff or ties me and my kids up. None of these people, who want to demand I take my dog around and "socialize" him, have ever asked about his temperment or his behavior. If they had, they would know that this dog is as gentle as a newborn lamb with my sons. My youngest son tries to ride him like a horse, has thrown rocks and sticks at him, hit him, pulled his tail, kicked him, and pretty much anything else you can think of, and Peter Pan has never once tried to hurt him. Peter Pan wouldn't let me go outside one night after dark, and I discovered later it was because there was a snake out there. Stray dogs come up to the fence and Peter Pan just looks at them, only barking or growling if he thinks they're going to try to come thru the fence. People go by on the street, and he may bark or quietly growl, but he only becomes aggressive if he thinks they will try to come onto our property, and even then, only if my boys and/or myself are out there. He even will use his teeth to grab my sons' clothing and pull them down if they try to climb on the fence.

So, tell me, why do I need to introduce my dog to everyone on earth? I don't see the need. The woman at the animal center said so that if he gets out, he will know how to act. Ok, let's think about this for a minute. First of all, if he got out, I wouldn't be a very good dog owner, would I? I check my fence daily to ensure he can't get out. And second, let's be realistic here, how the hell does introducing him to the entire neighborhood teach him how to act if he does get out? That's like saying I should introduce my kids to everyone in the neighborhood so they will know what to do if they get kidnapped. There is no connection. Knowing everyone will not stop him from doing whatever he wants, and knowing Peter Pan, what he would want would be to get right back into his own little yard. And of course, those people will insist I'm wrong, no matter what.

I just can't win.

The Farmer What?!

2009-02-19T10:22:00.003-05:00

So, J started Pre-K back in August. He has learned so much, and is doing amazing things. One thing that happened, though, that was a little shocking, was when the school contacted me and wanted to evaluate him for speech. It turned out he has a moderate speech impairment. I was sort of aware of it, but as his mother, I tend to automatically translate what he says and understand him, so I hadn't realized what a problem it really was.

So he's been in speech therapy at school since October. He has made an amazing amount of progress. Which is why I was quite shocked to hear him singing "Farmer in the Dell" the other night.

"The farmer takes a life, the farmer takes a life!"

Huh? Run that by me again?

"The farmer takes a life, the farmer takes a life!"

Nope, I wasn't hearing things. I almost died laughing. This was not his speech impairment at work. This was a case of chronic lyricosis. His class had been singing the little song at school, and he somehow misinterpreted "wife" as being "life". All I could think was "Is this how serial killers start?"

I tried to explain to him that it should be "wife". I'm not sure if he gets it, since he's decided not to sing that song anymore. He's moved on to trying to figure out what termites eat. It's very...odd the way a child's mind works.

I think I may have mentioned this in the past, but C has a really awesome teacher this year. I'm not sure how long she's been teaching, but I know she's taught pretty much every grade level, and she just has this way with kids that is just wonderful. She really understands them, and is totally on their side. She's also got a great sense of humor, and is very understanding, which can come in extremely handy. For example, Tuesday's homework.

They send home this math worksheet on which they want my son to take an empty paper milk carton (you remember, in school, the milk we drank?), and use it to fill up a 2 liter soda bottle, a bucket, an empty gallon milk jug, and a bowl or trash can (can't really figure it out) with water to find out how many cartons it takes to fill up each container. I could not believe that they actually expected us to do this! Aside from the mess that would be created (b/c you know no 5 yr old can watch his big brother do that without wanting to get in on it, thus spilling water everywhere), imagine how time consuming it would be. Plus, you know it's going to take at least twice as long b/c they'll keep losing track and having to start over again. I told C he didn't have to do it, and I would be ok with the no credit grade for it. Then, I e-mailed the teacher. Turned out she wanted them to just estimate how many cartons they thought it would take, but she'd been called into a meeting and so wasn't able to explain that to the kids before time to go home.

Which brings me back to my vent the other day. Why is my son's teacher being taken out of her classroom during class time for a meeting? Between budget cuts, FCAT, and other crap, my son is already being cheated on his education, and now you're going to make it worse by taking his teacher out of the classroom when she should be teaching him and helping him and leave him with an assistant who doesn't have any teaching experience whatsoever and expect her to teach him?

As if this isn't bad enough, I have recently come to the realization that my son has learned more from watching TV than he has at school. I'm very lucky that my kids are not huge on cartoons. Don't get me wrong; they do love to watch them. But with only a few exceptions, give them a choice, and they will pick something else over cartoons. They love to watch Discovery, Discovery Kids, Animal Planet, History, and the Science Channel. My kids have learned some very interesting, and amazing, things from those channels, more than they do from school. C's teacher has told me, more than once, that she is amazed at his wealth of knowledge. And they say watching TV is bad. And for the record, my kids play outside plenty, too.

It seems now to be only a matter of time before we will be moving back in with my parents. The thought still makes me nauseous. I am trying to make the best of it. I tell myself this will allow me to buy the new camera I've been wanting, and I can get my kids their own computer (so they can quit screwing up mine), and my babysitters will be much closer when a kid gets sick and I need to run to the store. But none of that makes me feel better about losing the home that I dreamed about for so long. None of it makes it easier to give up my kitchen with tons of counter space that I love so dearly, that makes baking and cooking so much easier and more fun. My master bathroom with the deep bathtub from which I can see the TV in my bedroom, therefore allowing me to watch movies and TV while enjoying a nice, hot bubble bath. The huge backyard that allows the dog and the kids more than enough room to run and play and have fun. Of course, it's filled with rain today. One less day that they get to enjoy it.

I haven't even told them yet. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of: that they'll be horribly upset and very disappointed, or that they'll be thrilled beyond words. They love their grandparents and always want to go see them, so I think they'll be fine with the idea of moving back in with them, where they will see them every day. And being kids, they don't understand all the grown up emotions that go along with a situation like this, and they don't realize that their joy only makes things worse. And you can't explain it to them, b/c there is no way to explain it where they don't think that you're telling them they're doing something wrong.

Enough depressing thoughts. I'll be posting some new recipes and hopefully some new pictures in the next few days. Watch for them.

Wow...

2009-02-17T11:56:00.003-05:00

It's been a very, very long time since I last posted. I've been slacking, and I really don't have much of an excuse. I do have plenty to say, however.

Has anyone else noticed that in these tough times, we are scrimping on the things that matter most, the things that we shouldn't be scrimping on? My children's school system has to cut between $23-$33 MILLION dollars from its budget for the 2009-2010 school yr. Now, maybe I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that leaving the next generation sorely undereducated or even UNeducated is NOT the way to solve this economic crisis. How are my children ever to have a chance to do better than me if their education isn't as good as mine? I am seriously considering homeschooling, depending on the cuts they decide to make, in order to be sure my children get a halfway decent education.

Our school district has cut 522 teachers. 522 teachers that are now jobless. Only 4 of them at my children's school, but one of them is J's Pre-K teacher. Granted, he'll have her thru the end of the yr, but still. She'll be out of a job, and just like me and everyone else out there, she has a home, a child, and bills to take care of. There will now be classrooms with more kids in them, leading to a less than stellar education. They keep insisting that "we will still be within regulations regarding class size." Well, whoop-de-doo. You can drive 55 and still be within the legal speed limit, but does that mean it's always best to drive 55? Of course not.

C struggles with math. He's apparently inherited my sorry math skills. I am very concerned that he will suffer greatly from these cuts, since the loss of teachers is not the only change that will be made. We don't know what else they are going to do yet. It's a waiting game right now, as is everything else.

Right now, C gets extra help in the classroom for his math issues. But that's because there's an assistant in the classroom. Will there be one next yr? Or will my son just be expected to either figure it out on his own or fail?

Yet, in all this discussion of "what can we cut?", no one is suggesting FCAT. All this No Child Left Behind crap, and what is it really doing? Well, I'll tell you this: it's not doing what they claim it does, or should. I see my son being taught stuff that has absolutely no real bearing on life, but it must be learned because it's on some stupid test that even the people who administrate it can't pass. They won't admit that, but seriously, if they took the test, I'm sure that probably 90% of the school board members, government and everyone else involved in the creation of this ridiculous "program" couldn't pass it.

Cutting education budgets is a mistake. I've always tried to be an optimistic person, not all gloom and doom. But I don't see any possible way that these cuts will NOT lead to bad things. Crime and drug use will rise as these kids get older. My kids will miss out on things that I had when I was a child, and while I will admit that I was slightly spoiled, it's just not right. There is supposed to be that...expectation that the next generation will do better than the one before it. Better money, better home, education, job, on and on down the line. Well, so far, what little I had that was better than my parents has been taken away from me. And my own children, at least the way it looks right now, will never have anything better than me. They'll be lucky to have things as good as I did.

I was laid off last May, and I still have no job. There are no jobs around here. What few there are, have their pick of candidates. I'm stuck in a limbo where people who are better educated than me are taking my jobs, but I can't get a job in a lesser position because I'm "overqualified, and we're not going to train you just to have you leave when something better comes along." I've got a family to support, I don't want to work at Target or Walgreens, but if they'd give me a damn job, I'd be grateful and I damn sure wouldn't be going anywhere any time soon.

My kids love the extra time with me, we have more time to work on homework, to play games, watch movies, play outside and just be together. And I won't deny I enjoy it, too. But at the same time, it's a major problem too. It would appear that I may end up having to give up my house. Things have just reached the point where it's not feasible to keep it anymore. This breaks my heart in so many ways. This house is my dream, it was my goal for so long, and I swore once I had it, I would never leave. It's the first home that both my kids could call theirs. I feel as though I am letting them down, that I have failed them. I haven't told them yet. And frankly, I don't know that they'll really care. We'll have to move back in with my parents, if we have to give the house up, which my kids would actually like, so they've told me. But that doesn't eliminate my feelings of guilt and failure.

My mother told me that she thought I was not a very materialistic person, and I'm not. But a home...it's not just a possession. It's security, it's comfort, familiarity, it's the one thing that should be constant, that you know no matter what else is happening or changing, home is always there. Losing a house is not just losing a material possession. It's like losing all that security, comfort, the consistency.

I know there are countless others out there that are going thru the same situation. We are not the only ones. But that knowledge does not make the situation any easier.

Everything is so screwed up. Let's hope it gets better soon.

Memories, Love, Time

2008-08-15T11:02:00.003-04:00

School starts on Monday. My oldest, C, will be in 2nd grade this year. My baby, J, is starting Pre-K. Until today, I've been able to convince myself that it was only Pre-K, not "real" school. But today we went to school and met the teacher. And now it's all too real to me. My baby is starting school. He's not my baby anymore. This is not something that is easily realized. This is hard to accept, to deal with. It seems like only yesterday that I gave birth to him, and yet here he is starting school.

C is in 2nd grade, and though I had a rough day the day he started kindergarten, I am now comfortable with his first days. I make sure he knows where his classroom is, give him a hug and a kiss, and we all go on our merry ways. I'm afraid, though, that I will have a much tougher time come Monday with J. Even though I knew this day was coming, and have known for a very long time, it just seems to have snuck up on me. Here I am, rolling along with a soon-to-be 2nd grader, and my 4 yr old baby, and then BOOM! It's time for my baby to be in school.

There are too many things in my life that I want to change, and can't do anything about.

The Passage of Time

2008-07-30T14:53:00.002-04:00

I have 2 sons, as I've mentioned before. I also have a rather large extended family. I have a cousin who is soon to be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan in the Army. He's an...interesting young man. He's a father of one son, divorced, and for a long time, we thought he would be on a downward spiral to nowhere good. Several years of bad choices landed in him in a variety of jailed situations, and gave him a little list of felonies. The birth of his son apparently changed him, though, and after countless futile attempts to find a job, he did the only thing he could think of to do: he went to the judge, and pleaded to have his felonies converted to misdemeanors so he could join the Army, and therefore support his son. He's just completed basic training, and once he completes this other training he is in, he will be off to Iraq or Afghanistan. I can only hope he comes home safely, for the sake of his son, his parents, and the rest of my family.

Around the same time that I learned my cousin was doing this, I heard on the news the story of a little girl who's gone missing in a nearby town, and her mother did not report her missing for 5 weeks. Every time I've seen the mother on the news since then, she seems to show no concern, no fear, no sadness that her daughter is missing.

When I found out about my cousin, my thought was: Ok, he's doing this to support his son, and that's wonderful, but what happens to his son if something happens to him? Has he thought of that? Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging him. I just wonder, as a parent, has he thought of that possibility, or has he put it out of his mind because it's just too horrific a thought to consider?

When I heard about the little girl, my thought was: How the hell does your child go missing and you don't report that for 5 weeks?! If my sons were to go missing, it wouldn't take me 5 minutes, maybe not even 5 seconds, to report them missing. Her excuse is that she was using "other resources and conducting my own investigation." Huh? What other resources are there? What better resource is there, than the police, who have the equipment, the resources, the ability, and the manpower to mount a true search and find my missing child(ren)? They've found pictures where she's been out partying at clubs since her daughter went missing. What the hell kind of parent can go out clubbing while their daughter is missing, her whereabouts and safety unknown? With the fear that her daughter could be hurt, dead, or having who knows what done to her, lurking in the back of her mind, she can go out and dance, drink, and have a great time? I find that interesting.

My oldest son, C, made me a little felt and popsicle stick picture frame when he was in Kindergarten. He glued a Kindergarten picture of himself to it, and put glitter around the edge of the picture. The frame had gotten put up for a while, but my son found it the other day. He hung it on the doorknob of the linen closet of my bathroom. Last night, I saw the frame hanging there and I plucked it up and looked at the picture. What I saw made me cry.

My baby was 5 yrs old in the picture. Chubby little cheeks and chin peered out at me, framing a quicksilver innocent grin, the grin of a little boy whose life couldn't be better. His eyes were bright, eager, curious. The photographer was his friend, you would think. Wearing a blue T-shirt, his hair just a bit too long, brushing against his shirt collar, he looked like a baby.

Now, my baby is 7 yrs old. Time has carved away the chubby little cheeks and chin, bringing to the surface the bones that will give him the face of a man. His hands are already showing the veins and the strength of a man. His eyes are more guarded now, he's begun to realize that not everyone is his friend, and that some people can't be trusted. That loss of innocence has changed his smile, too. It's no longer so innocent, so fast to form. It's slower, a bit wary, as if he wants to be sure there's a reason to smile before he does so. It's a smaller smile, as though he doesn't want anyone to know he's happy. He's not as cynical as an adult, he does still laugh and smile, just not with that same bright innocence.

He's nearly as tall as I am already. Granted, I'm short, so it doesn't take much, but still. His height, and weight, prevent me from picking him up anymore. He will still crawl into my lap and cuddle with me, but more and more, he doesn't want to hold my hand, and he certainly doesn't want to be treated like a baby. He'll still come to me when he gets a boo-boo, and wants a kiss for it, but the kiss is becoming more and more of an afterthought than a necessity.

When I look at him, I see the baby he was, the child he is, and the man he will become, all rolled into one little body. And it's strange. I always wanted him to stay little forever. But, I always thought, as he got older, and began to look more and more grown up, that it would be easier to let go, to let him grow up. But it's not. In fact, I think that makes it even harder. Seeing him need me less and less makes me want to grab hold all the harder, and squeeze him even tighter.

My 4 yr old, J, he still looks like a baby. Still has the chubby cheeks, the little belly, and needs his Mommy's boo-boo kiss to make it all better. And yet I know, all too soon, he too will begin to look more and more like the man he's going to become than the baby he is. He starts Pre-K this year. The first steps toward that fateful day. I look forward to it, and yet at the same time, would be perfectly happy if time stood still all of a sudden for a few years.

My oldest will be in 2nd grade. He'll show the baby the ropes, help him find his classroom, all that good stuff. I asked him to do that. It was a bittersweet moment, to ask my firstborn baby to be a grown up and show the baby what to do.

These moments, these realizations, are what makes it so hard for me to understand a woman whose child goes missing, and she, from all appearances, does nothing about it for more than a month. Every day, my children are growing and changing, and I don't want to miss a moment of that. She's missed a month of her child growing, and if something has happened to that child (I hope nothing has), then she may never again get the chance to see her daughter grow or learn something new. How does she live with that knowledge?

My cousin, I can understand. I couldn't do it myself, but I can see what he is doing. He's doing what he can to ensure his child is taken care of, is healthy and happy and has what he needs. What excuse does this woman have? She let 5 weeks go by without telling anyone her daughter was missing. 5 weeks....her child could be anywhere; anything could have been done to her by now. Any clues they might have had could be gone by now. According to the news, she keeps asserting that the person who has her daughter loves the girl. All I can say is I hope she's right, and that if the person who has her does love her, then perhaps she's better off there. It would appear her own mother doesn't care.

Good news/Bad news

2008-05-29T15:33:00.003-04:00

So, I have an assortment of good news/bad news scenarios going on right now.

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. This is a combo of good and bad. The other good/bad aspect of tomorrow is: I have a Skills Verification Test for a new job. It's in the middle of the day. So I have to leave for a while to go do this. It's bad because of the timing. But it's good (and the good considerably outweighs the bad!!) because it's for a job I really want, and that could be a really incredible opportunity.

I got J into Pre-K at his brother's school. I was really worried it wouldn't happen, because you apply and then they draw names to see who gets in. But he got in! This is really awesome, because he so desperately wants to go to school with his big brother. I got the call this morning, and I can't wait to tell him tonight. He's going to be so excited. The bad side to it, is that I have to hurry up and get him into the doctor and make sure that all his shots and stuff are up to date, before the sign up date at the school. Which, with my current job situation, is an expense I really didn't want to have. But....gotta do it.

Back to the work situation...this last month or so has been kind of surreal. I've never before worked at a job with an end date in sight that I didn't set myself. I've given notice at a job. I've been laid off - but always with that day being the end. This time, they asked me (us) to stay on to help with the transition. It's very weird to continue doing your job when you know that what you're doing is pretty much a waste of time. And of course, it's much harder to bite your tongue and be nice when you've got nothing left to lose. Well, except a good recommendation - but even that is sometimes barely enough to keep you from saying the thoughts that come to mind when someone says something really stupid or really insulting.

Even with the surrealness to the situation, and even with the urgency that I feel to get another job, I somehow don't feel panicked. I don't feel as though my life is going to get really really bad after tomorrow. I feel like....like this is meant to be, and it's all going to work out. It's a good thing. As the old REO Speedwagon song says, it's time for me to fly. This job helped me spread my wings, learn new skills and master my temper and my patience, and now it's time to take what I've learned and apply it to a new, better job.

C is getting an award at school next week. They do an awards assembly at the end of the year. His behavior last year meant he didn't get one. He does this year, though, and I am so proud of him. In the less than 2 months since he started his medication, there has been a total turn around in him. His grades shot through the roof, his conduct grades went up to where they should be, and his attitude at home has gone to normal child attitude. He knows he's getting an award, and he's excited, but I know he doesn't realize the significance of this. To me, this shows me that I did the right thing by going against my own feelings of doubt and putting him on the medication. It shows me that he truly is the good kid I always knew he was, and that he just needed that little bit of help. And it shows me that the improvement I see is not just wishful thinking, but it truly exists. He's gone from being on the verge of suspension for his behavior, to getting an award. In less than 2 months. Miracles do happen.

How odd is this, with my unemployed status looming ever closer, gas prices through the roof, and not knowing how I'll pay my bills soon...but yet I couldn't be happier with my life, and wouldn't change it for anything.

I guess that's the good news and the bad news.

Oh, what fun....

2008-05-14T12:08:00.003-04:00

I really try to stay a positive person. I try to be optomistic and look at challenges as chances to grow and to learn.

Here's my situation right now: I'm out of a job as of May 30th, I have 2 sons in glasses, and the youngest has to go back in about a month to ensure he's got the right prescription, my oldest has ADHD which costs me $116/mo in meds, and $125 every two months in dr. visits, and it looks like my youngest will be following in his hyperactive, unfocused older brother's footsteps. No insurance. I have a $900/mo mortgage that my family has to pay b/c I can't, and miscellaneous other bills that my current paycheck minimally manages to cover with the assistance of my very meager savings account.

Can you see where I'm having some trouble staying positive right now? I mean, let's not forget, gas prices no longer creep up, they are pogo-sticking their way higher and higher every single day, and food prices are not far behind.

I try to keep my kids from knowing how bad the money situation is. I don't feel they need to know, or worry about that. But, when gas prices go to $3.77 a gallon, it gets harder and harder to tell them no on other things without having to explain what's happening.

Fortunately for us, we have lots of home entertainment. A satellite dish with 200 channels, tons of DVD movies, a pool, a swingset, and grandparents right down the road. Now, before you say I'd have less money trouble if I got rid of all that stuff, let me clarify that first, the money came out of my tax refund for the pool and swingset, I've had to DVDs for years, and the satellite is #1 a contract I can't get out of and #2 a necessity with 2 kids, no gas money, and living in a state known for horrendous summer weather. Although we are in a drought right now...we really need some rain. Do a rain dance for us, will you?

Being serious, our situation isn't desperate yet, but it could quickly get there. And I know we're not the only ones feeling this way. We have to do something. We have to figure out a way to bring gas prices back down, to bring jobs back to America, to increase pay, all kinds of things. It's just sad that we feel so powerless.

Ok, time to lighten the mood. I was driving home from the grocery store with the kids the other night. And so I don't have to keep saying "oldest" "youngest" all the time, let's call my oldest C and my youngest J. So, we're listening to the radio, one of those dedication shows. This girl called in and had the same name as me. C's like, "Mom, that's your name!" I said, "Yeah, it is." Then the girl says she's 17, and C goes, "Oh, that's not you, Mom. You're not 17." So, I tease him. I say, "Are you saying I'm old?" (I'm 29.) He gave me this look, the one that males give you when they don't know what to say because they think any answer they give will get them in trouble. So, J pipes up and says, "No, Mommy, you're new!". I absolutely cracked up. C quickly changed the subject. I have to teach him the fine art of telling a woman what she wants to hear...or maybe I'll let his brother teach him.

So C gets done with school in just a few weeks. I'm so proud of him. The improvement in his attitude, grades, everything, since he started his meds is just amazing. And he's so much happier now. I've found out that the manufacturer of his meds provides assistance if you can't afford your meds, so I'm in the process of applying for that. That will take a huge weight off of me. At least until J needs meds. I'm still hoping to avoid that, though. Just not sure how.

Oh, well. Off to work now.

Can you say unemployment?

2008-05-09T14:26:00.003-04:00

Last week, at about this time, my co-workers and I got called into a "short" meeting that sent us all into a tailspin, and everyone went home early. We were informed that our particular branch of the company we work for is being closed at the end of May.

So, I've spent the last week alternately ignoring my situation and frenziedly sending my resume to any phone number that seems to even remotely resemble a business' fax number. Ok, not exactly like that, but I've definitely been responding to lots and lots of job ads.

They are giving us a nice "completion package", which is corporate speak for "we're laying you off, but we want you to stay and be nice until we're ready to really do this, so here's what we'll give you to smile and pretend you don't want to murder us in our sleep."

I'm not too panicked, yet. With the job market the way it is, and the economy the way it is, panic is not too far off, though. It's hiding behind the bedroom door, actually, breathing heavily in the night. I usually jump into bed, because you know, monsters behind the door can't get you in bed.

I have to make jokes, even if they're bad ones. If I let myself think about this in any serious way, I might cry. Seriously. This was a really big shock, and as a single mother with two kids, and an ex-husband who doesn't pay child support, it's a major reason to freak out. Oh, and did I mention that my mother also got laid off that day? Hers was effective immediately; at least I have until the 30th.

I'm looking into working at home. Gas prices are making it harder to even go to work. How sad is that? It used to be people wanted to work at home b/c they wanted to wear pj's all day, or be home with their kids. Now, they do it b/c they can't afford to go out and drive to work.

Ok, enough with all the whiny, poor me crap.

My son is doing awesome on his meds. He had his follow-up appt on Wednesday, to see how the meds are working. It's amazing. He's even stopped grinding his teeth at night. He brought home his interim report on Tuesday, and he had all S and E grades. I'm so proud of him, I can't even stand it. And he's so funny now. He tells me all the trouble other kids are getting into and saying "don't they know they can get in trouble for that?"

It's great to see him so much happier, though. And that's what's really important. He was...not miserable, but he wasn't a happy boy for a long time.

*Sigh*

Back to work.

I'll keep you posted.

It has been many moons since my last post...

2008-04-13T12:45:00.005-04:00

Sorry, I just watched an old western type movie with indians and cowboys and stuff....the title was a bad attempt at humor. :)
So, in seriousness, it has been quite a while since I posted. Things have been stressed around my house for a while.
My oldest son was getting into lots of trouble at school, and at home, too. For a while, I was living in denial. And I don't mean the river in Eygpt, although I would like to visit that one. But, anyway, I kept telling myself he just needed....well, anything but what he really needed. I tried changing his diet, to eliminate preservatives and artificial colorings, flavors, etc. Which I needed to do anyway, just because it's healthier. That helped, but not a lot.
So, in the end, I had to suck it up, gather my courage, and let the dreaded question pass my lips: Does he have ADD? And to my horror, disappointment, fear, but not surprise, yes, he does. Massively.
My whole reason for dreading this diagnosis is that they generally medicate. I've always felt that medicating a child to get them to behave the way you want them to just isn't right. Don't misunderstand me....ADD/ADHD does exist, and there is nothing wrong with parents who medicate for that purpose. I just lived in that wonderful non-reality where I didn't believe my son needed medication to behave. I believed that I just needed to discipline more, praise more, something.
I was wrong.
My son's doctor put him on Focalin XR, and I'm in the midst of preparing to climb Mt. Everest and sing the praises of medication. OK, not really, but close. My son has totally turned around in the 4 days he's been on his medication. He listens, he remembers, he focuses, and he doesn't argue nearly as much as before. He does things without prompting, and doesn't fight doing chores any more than any normal 7 year old. Still fights with his brother, but hey...they're brothers. Can't fight nature.
The relief I feel over this situation is amazing. Or maybe that's just vacation.
I've been on vacation this last week, while school was on Spring Break. I had a whole week off with my boys. We spent every day outside, pretty much all day. It was beautiful. Here's one picture from the week (it might make you cry...get a tissue):

OK, I gave ya two. We went fishing, too. That's the lake. Beautiful, isn't it? Too bad the fish weren't biting. They apparently went into the witness protection program to hide from the cold front that has moved into our area. It's freakin' cold today! Well, not cold, I guess, but compared to this week when we've been getting sunburned and baked and roasted and fried outside, it's cold!

Still, all in all, vacation has been awesome. The tension and stress from my job has gone away, and I feel ready to face it again. We'll see if that feeling sticks when I get up and go in tomorrow. But, my sons and I have used this opportunity to reconnect and get close again. Work, school, and daily stress make it hard to feel close on a day to day basis sometimes, when it seems to them (and to me) that all we do is work, homework, cook, bathe, eat and sleep, with no time for pleasure, fun and just being together. This week has been awesome. We've had lots of time to talk, to play, to relax and enjoy each other's company.

We even went swimming yesterday. The water was really cold, which is why we usually don't swim until around Memorial Day. But once you got in, it wasn't bad. Or maybe that was hypothermia setting in. I'm not sure. If my lips go back to their normal color by tomorrow, we'll say it wasn't bad. If I never post another blog, well....then you'll know not to go swimming in April. :)

Meanwhile, it's a cloudy day today, with a chilly temperature outside, but nice and cozy inside. The kids are watching a dinosaur cartoon on TV, and I'm getting ready to put some stuffed shells in the oven for dinner. My mom made them for us. :) She's awesome. She made sure I don't have to cook on my last day of vacation. And she even made me some pasta salad for dinner tomorrow night, so all I have to do is figure out a meat to go with it. She made my first day back to work a bit more bearable, too.

I love my mom.

I love my kids.

I love my vacation...wish it was longer.

I love my life.

I love my job....well, let's not get to carried away here with the lovey-dovey crap, shall we?

Learning to Fly

2008-02-04T20:30:00.001-05:00

I've begun spreading my wings, and opening my mind further than before. I've always been a pretty open-minded person, willing to be friends with anyone, try just about anything, and learn anything anyone was willing to teach me. But, I've done two things in the last three days that I used to swear I'd never do. We'll start with the easy one first.

I ate venison tonight. It was good. I was quite surprised. I know people eat it all the time, but the idea of eating deer, that someone shot and prepped themselves, that didn't come from a store, always just kind of grossed me out. But, this particular venison came from a close friend of the family, someone whom I trust with my life and that of my children, and so when my mother made it, and asked me if we would try it to (she swore it was very good), I did. I did not tell my kids what it was though. They loved it, but I have a feeling if I tell them what it is, they will be like I was and not want it. It's funny...I live in the redneck capital of the state, and I've only just tried venison at the age of 29.

Now, on to the bigger thing. I've had to eat my own words. I used to be the type of female who said there would never, ever be a snake, lizard, or any other reptile in my home, no matter what. Meet the new members of our family, Kaitlyn and Evan:

Yep, lizards. Baby Dragons, to be precise. We went to the Medieval Faire in a nearby town, and my boys saw these almost as soon as we came through the gate. Throughout the rest of the fair, all I heard was, "Are we gonna go back and get the lizards now?" and "But, I want a lizard, Mom!". Grandma and Grandpa were the ones who took us, and they wanted to buy them for the boys. And, I have to admit, as pets go, these are not bad. Cheap and easy to feed, you give them a nickel sized slice of banana or a capful of banana or peach baby food, and they're set for about three weeks. No clean-up - spray the tank with water twice a day and it evaporates all their little...potty. Although, we have a Betta Fish, and he is not real thrilled with his new neighbors. He was fine all day yesterday, but when I came home tonight, he was over in his tank right next to theirs, all blown up and agitated. I had to put a piece of paper between their tanks so that he would calm down. But, seriously, the lizards are pretty cool. You can hold them, and the clincher on the deal was the fact that they will mate. She will lay an egg that will hatch over a six hour period after a 45 day incubation. Great science and life lesson for the boys. I'm happy about that, and they just can't wait. They were told that they would know she was ready to lay an egg because her tummy would be fat, so they ask me about 20 times a day if her tummy is fat yet.

I still maintain there will NEVER be a snake in my house.

The Past Rears Its Head...

2008-01-27T20:56:00.001-05:00

I was playing around on the internet the other night, just bored and looking for something to do. I started thinking of the names of guys I used to date and people I used to be friends with. Just for the sheer fun of it, I started looking up their names on the internet, just to see what might pop up. I found some of them, and my....what a shock.

They are nothing like I would have imagined. You know how, when you're dating someone, you kind of picture yourself in the future with them? You know, trying to see what it might be like? These guys were nothing like what I figured. I mean, we're talking balding, beer-belly types, or worse, no different, AT ALL, than high school. Still toking, still acting like they're 16 or 17 years old.

It's funny the things that will change how you look at the world, or at your past. I wasn't wearing rose-colored glasses, per se, but I did have this somewhat...soft view of the "old days". I'm a mother of two now, and so of course, on those long, hard days when nothing more than sheer determination and will power gets me through, I think back on the days before I had kids. How easy it was, how "nice" it was. This has changed that, though. The guy who's no different, it's made me look back on those memories and see that I knew, even then, that this was how he would turn out. Which is really a shame, because he was really a nice guy, very intelligent, with a lot of potential to do great things. The one who's balding with a beer belly, I've realized that I never really knew him at all, even though I thought I did at the time, and until now, would have continued to think so. Dated him for several years, in truth, and he as actually "the first". And although I still will say that I did honestly love him, I can see now that what I loved was what little I did know of him. Not that he's a bad guy. I don't think he is. Based on what I read about him, he's probably still a nice guy. It's just that I now realize that I only knew little bits and pieces of him, the ones he wanted me to know. He held back from me, which considering we were young teenagers, makes me really wonder. What on earth does a young teenage boy have to hold back from his girlfriend?

However, all this sifting through the past has done something else for me. For quite some time now I have wanted to lose the weight that I gained when having my children. I've just never found the strength, the will, the energy, the whatever to do it. But in looking back at the past, I also saw myself. And I'm not much different than I was back then. A few pounds heavier, two more children, and an ex-husband, but still much the same. Smart-mouthed, bitchy, opinionated, confident, and wanting to find a decent man.

Finding a decent man won't happen though, as long as I feel bad about my weight. But it's not just about finding a nice guy. It's about feeling better about myself, about looking better and being healthier, and setting a good example for my kids. Therefore, I have gotten serious about it now. I am eating healthier, and less, and drinking water. I now spend my time running back and forth to the bathroom. I've come to the conclusion that the only way water helps you lose weight is all the calories you burn on the bathroom runs you make every five minutes. And this week, I'm going to start working out. I'm determined now. I will not give up, I will not give in. I will lose 30 pounds by the beginning of May, and will set a new goal to lose another twenty or thirty after that.

I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to be able to play with them. They are my motivation. Sometimes, pure determination is the only thing that gets me through my day. I hate my job, I hate my financial situation, and there is no reward at the end of the day. Pure determination and grit, the simple thought that "I will get through this day" is all that gets me through, and now I will use that determination, that grit, that thought, to get me through this. I will do this. I will not stop.

Inspiration...and the lack thereof

2008-01-21T20:23:00.001-05:00

As you may or may not have figured out by now, I enjoy writing. I write stories, short stories, and poetry. I've generally been much more prolific with my poetry. Lately, though, I just can't come up with anything. I'm surrounded by the beauty of nature, the beauty of my children, my family, my home, friends and just the general beauty of life. And yet...nothing.

I sit down with pen and paper, and if I'm lucky, a line or two will dribble forth as water from a nearly but not quite frozen pipe. I'll feel the poem building like storm clouds in a Florida summer sky, but like those same clouds in recent times, nothing seems to fall from that building sensation. I end up sitting there, feeling abandoned by my ability and hating the feeling.

I used to be able to sit down and bang out a rather decent poem in 20-30 minutes, one that often made family and friends have a tear or two in their eyes, and even on occasion, had some asking to use said poem in a wedding ceremony, for an anniversary, or what have you. This complete lack of inspiration has me stymied.

It's just beyond me that after years of writing poetry about so many things, about love, and life, and abuse, and children, and everything else, that I just can't do it anymore. And I think maybe that's what bothers me the most...that this lack may not be just a temporary block, but a permanent end to my writing days. And that doesn't just bother me...it scares me.

I have other hobbies and talents, yes. But this is the one that has always been there, that I've always turned to, that I've been able to do anytime, anywhere. It's the one that has always helped me work my feelings out, sort myself out, express myself and show people what I'm feeling at any given time. And now, what do I do?

I think I've found an answer. One of my other big hobbies is photography. I'm actually kind of the family photographer. I use my digital camera to do my family's photo every year, and my son's school photos. I seem to have a knack for catching people in natural poses and coming out with an awesome photo. I enjoy taking pictures of nature, too, and just any little thing that grabs my curiousity at a given time. So...I think I shall start carrying my camera with me everywhere, and see what develops. Sorry...bad joke. Seriously, though, I've given this quite a bit of thought recently, and I'm thinking this may be a sign telling me to embrace this hobby a bit more fully than I have in the past. I've generally just used it to capture my children, to make concrete memories that will never fade. I've only sometimes used it to capture nature, and other things. I feel that maybe this is a knock on the door from opportunity, telling me to use this lack of inspiration to create other art. I've always been a creative person, and desperately need that creative outlet. Photography may be the way to keep that outlet open.

On a different note, have you ever suddenly seen someone you thought you knew pretty well in a completely different way, and it made you feel...I don't know, just very differently about them? I recently had that experience. Someone I'd known for a while now, nice guy. Someone I'd always thought was a pretty decent kind of guy. He was former military, which almost always means good guy. He was the kind of guy you can see yourself dating, but you hold off on because you don't want to lose the friendship. He knows of my woes with my ex-husband, and has often told me what he thinks of my ex. He often expounds on his theories of men who don't care for their children, take responsibility for their families, etc. He has a child himself, has shown me the pics. Cute little girl, too.

So he tells me he's finally gotten around to creating a MySpace page. He wants me to check it out and give him some feedback. So, I go, I check out, and not bad. then I get to the bottom where you do a little fill-in-the-blank on your basic stats. Under children, he puts "Someday". Huh? He's got this little girl, she's, I don't know, 3 or 4, around my son's age, and he doesn't acknowledge her in his MySpace profile? The same guy who tells me what an ass my ex-husband is for not taking care of my kids(which he is, but...) is now not acknowledging his child? I, with my big mouth and my inability to shut it sometimes, ask him what's up here. He says he doesn't want to chase women away. Hmmm...yes, I run screaming into the night when I find a nice guy who takes care of his responsibilities and is proud of that. I always avoid the men who take care of their kids, because God knows no one wants a man who's being decent.

This has been an enlightening experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. But I try really damn hard not to be a hypocrite, and finding out that my friend is one is...difficult. It has me wondering if I can continue this friendship. It's not exactly a betrayal to me, but it is...something. It's a side of him that I never thought I'd see, and definitely not one I wanted to see. I just feel that it's not something that I can just overlook. And the saddest part is that it has me wondering just how many of my other friends are just as hypocritical, lying about who and what they are to others, just to make a different impression. Notice I said different, not better.

I'm just completely disgusted with the world tonight.

Memories...and confidence

2008-01-20T20:38:00.001-05:00

Have you ever noticed how odd some memories can be? Well, not the memories themselves, exactly, but the fact that you remember them. I mean, I can remember this one guy, we only had like 5 or 6 dates, but I remember him more clearly than the guy I dated for 5 yrs just before and throughout high school. The 5 or 6 date guy was named Bryan. Bryan took me to see George Carlin live at the O'Connell Center in Gainesville, FL for our first date with a couple of his buddies. He kissed me in my car right after that show. On a later date, he took me to Outback for dinner and proceeded to tip our waiter $16 because he was so focused on me and getting me alone. Yet I can't for the life of me remember exactly how I met the guy I dated for 5 yrs.

I suddenly thought of an old friend from high school the other day. His name was Dylan. I don't even know why I thought of him, his name just suddenly popped into my head one day, and I started wondering how he is doing these days. I've thought about looking him up, but...I don't know. We always had this kind of rocky friendship/half-relationship kind of thing going on, and I don't know that I'd want to rekindle something that unstable at this point in my life. It's been 11 or 12 yrs since I saw him, I know he's changed, but I've found through experience that relationships like that tend to keep the same characteristics no matter how many years pass. Maybe I will look him up, just for the hell of it. Maybe he has a MySpace page or something where I can see what he looks like these days. I recall him being pretty hot, but that's the other funny thing about memories...they tend to dull the sharp edges and make things seem better than they really were. I had another old...friend, and I happened to come across a recent picture of him the other day....the only thing I could think was, what the hell was I thinking? I was in love with that guy, and it's become real clear now that it WASN'T based on his looks. In total honesty, I do remember why I was in love with him, and they were reasons that I am sure still reside behind the oddly unattractive-to-me-now facade, but it was just very weird to have that awakening to him. It was as though all those years of friendship and...other stuff, I was moving around with my eyes closed and never saw him, only heard his voice and felt his touch. Now I've seen him, and it's kind of a shock. I don't know...like I said, weird.

On other things, have you ever looked at where your confidence comes from? I started thinking about this the other day. I'm not sure why (I have a very boring job that allows lots of time to think of the oddest things). I remember, before I had my sons, before I got married, before all this crap that became my life happened, I used to date. A lot. Had tons of boyfriends, a date pretty much every Friday and Saturday night, and occasionally during the week too. My confidence was through the roof. I knew that pretty much all I had to do was crook my little red or pink nail painted finger and I'd have 1 or even 2 guys tripping over themselves to get the door for me. And no, I'm not being overly cocky. That really was my situation.

Now I have 2 kids, I'm overweight and out of shape from having them (but I am working on that), and I don't date. No time. Yet, my confidence level is even higher than before. It no longer comes from my ability to get a man, which I now realize was a pretty shallow and stupid reason to feel such confidence. My confidence these days comes from who I am. I am a single mother. I support my children with no help whatsoever from their father. I am sole financial, physical, and emotional support for my children. My children eat a healthy meal each and every night, because of me. They take a bath and get clean, and go to bed on time, because of me. My confidence now stems from the knowledge that I am taking care of my kids, without anyone's help, and that I'm doing a damn good job of it. My ex-husband once told me when I told him I wanted a divorce that I could never make it without him. I laughed in his face when he said that, but deep down, I wasn't so sure. Although I'd been ready to raise my son by myself if his father hadn't stuck around, now I was a stay at home mom. Could I really take care of him, and the child I was currently carrying, alone? Could I make it without him?

I took that chance anyway, and hoped for the best. And now, everytime I take him to court to be held in contempt for his failure (read that:refusal) to pay child support, I look him in the eye with my chin held high, knowing that I have proven his attempted prophecy wrong. I am making it without him, quite literally. I am taking care of my family, entirely on my own. And yes, it is stressful. It's hard, and it's exhausting, and there are times I feel ready to throw in the towel and cry defeat. But, I don't. I push through and I keep going, because there's nothing else to do BUT keep going. And that is where my confidence comes from now. And that confidence is what helps me push through the day when I'm having a bad day at work, and hating my job, wishing I could quit. It what keeps me from giving up when I can't get my son to understand his homework from the way I explain it to him, and gets me to explain it to him just one more time, in a slightly different way, until it clicks.

Where does your confidence come from?

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-01-06T21:23:00.001-05:00

Today's my birthday!! I am....29. Wow. That's a big number, isn't it? I still remember 21...hell, 18...and I feel 16 most days. Still, I don't really feel...older. It's just kinda...ok, I'm 29 now. But then there are moments when it will hit me....kind of a holy sh*t, I'm 29!

How is it, though, that turning a year older myself doesn't make me feel older, but my child turning 7 next month does? Isn't it strange how other people can affect us more than we ourselves do? My turning 29 almost just feels like just another day, but when I think of planning my son's birthday party next month, I sit back and feel like years and years have passed. Which, I guess, 7 years is quite a few...and yet, in some ways, not so much. It's odd, the way time seems fluid and passes slowly or quickly based solely on our perceptions of specific conditions and circumstances. It reminds me very much of how slowly time passed during the most hated classes in school and yet flew by during lunch, but in a larger sense. No longer the passage of minutes or hours, but huge chunks of time, weeks, months, years that pass by and you look back and wonder where it all went.

It's 2008 now. And it is funny, because I remember how panicked everyone was over the year 2000, all the horrible things that were supposed to befall us, and yet here we are, all still healthy and happy, and using the items that were supposed to destroy us with the simple stroke of midnight. That was the year that I met my former husband...hmmm, it would seem that was the year that almost destroyed me, I guess. I met him, I got pregnant, and my life changed forever. Not for better or for worse, but for better AND for worse. The better being my 2 awesome children who've made my life more meaningful, more important, more worthwhile. The worse being the hell I went through in order to have them. But, would I go through the worse all over again? As long as the outcome was the same, and I got my two babies, ABSOLUTELY. No doubt. Life can be hell, but the rewards for making it through are incredible.

So...I sit here tonight, divorced, single mom to 2, and 29 years old. One year shy of 30. An age that once upon a time seemed absolutely ancient to me, that seemed a lifetime away, and now it's upon me. And it definitely does not feel as old as it once seemed to be.

It was a wonderful birthday. My mother cooked dinner for me, had a cake for me. My wonderful babies sang "Happy Birthday" to me first thing, and then they all sang to me later. My grandmother called, which was wonderful. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and it was so good to hear her voice, to tell her that I love her. My boys picked some beautiful flowers, camelias, for me, from Grandma's flowerbushes. Had to stop them before they picked them all, but still...a very sweet wonderful gift.

Since I last posted, my oldest son finally got the training wheels off his bike (they were stuck on, and we had to wait for Grandpa to get the tools and time to come take them off), and has learned to ride on his own! He's ridden (while I walked behind) to his grandparents house twice now. He loves it! And I'm so proud of him!! My youngest is still riding a tricycle, although next year, I may bump him to a two wheeler with training wheels. They both love riding their bikes though, or just being outside period. They are so active, so energetic. At times, it's frustrating, like at bedtime or dinner time or just when I want to sit down and relax for a couple of minutes, but at the same time, it's a wonderful thing to see, because I know they will never be overweight, they will never lack for things to do. They both have such vivid imaginations, too, which is another thing sthat I am so grateful for. I'm a big believer in imagination, that if you have imagination, it can take you anywhere, you can do anything, be anything, achieve anything.

Enough reflecting for this year. I'm off to take this 29 year old soul to bed.

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, dear me!
Happy birthday to me!

Had to have it one more time. :)

Last Entry for 2007

2007-12-31T19:03:00.001-05:00

Well, this has been quite a year for me. I've moved into my brand new home, found new interests and rekindled old ones, made new friends and found old ones again. I've taken the ex to court twice, albeit without much effect, and I've managed to make it on my own even without the child support. I've sent my oldest child off to first grade, and mostly come to terms with the fact that my great-grandmother, at the age of 97, has breast cancer as well as dementia.

I hope that next year will be a better year. I hate my job; so I'm hoping to find a better one. I need the child support payments; so I'm hoping my ex will wise up and start paying. I plan to finish the book I'm writing by summer, and I hope to find a publisher that will like it and want to publish it. I'm also planning to finally lose the extra weight that I've been wanting to lose. I never work out b/c I don't have time; so this year, I'm going to make time. I'm going to make a point of putting myself first sometimes. I always put my kids, my job, the house, everything and everyone else first. While I'm not going to be selfish, I'm going to make at least one night a week just for me. To put the kids to bed a little early, take a bubble bath, give myself a manicure, pedicure, etc., and pamper myself. By making myself feel better, I'll be able to give more to my kids, job, and everything else. I'm going to start wearing make-up regularly again. I'm going to do my meditating more regularly; I've got too much stress and I don't meditate nearly enough to really relieve it.

It's been a good year, but it's also been a rough year. Here's hoping the worst is behind me, and that things will only get better.

To anyone who's reading this, Happy New Year!!

Stupidity and the inability to shut up can be such a beautiful thing

2007-12-07T20:29:00.001-05:00

Dear You,

You know, after the last time, I thought you'd learn. And you did. Just not what I thought you'd learn. You've had chance after chance to change, to grow, to learn and to do what's right. Yet still, you persist in continuing on in the same way as before. Is this lack of ability or lack of concern?

I never thought you'd come over and talk to me before we went in. Of course, it shouldn't have surprised me. You're a coward, one that would never have the courage to talk to me if I was standing with friends or family. But because I was standing alone, you gathered up your meager store of courage and approached me. Your reason was that you wanted to know how our children were doing. As I told you they are fine. Not, of course, because of anything you do. Let's be honest here, you do nothing for them. That's why I made you repeat yourself more than once. I couldn't believe you were asking how my children were doing. Yes, I said my children. I do everything, you do nothing, I see no point to giving you any credit whatsoever.

And this is why I pity you even as you anger me, and even as I despise you. You do nothing for them. You have no idea what it is to lie awake each night, thinking and planning how you are going to ensure your children get 3 meals a day though you only have enough money for 2. You don't know how hard it is to watch your child struggle with homework, so desperate to give them the answer, but knowing you must bite your tongue because they'll never learn it if you give them all the answers. You don't know the physical pain of holding back your own tears after your child has misbehaved and you have to take away a much-anticipated sleepover at their grandparents and he stands before you, tears streaming down his face, nose running as he begs you to please change your mind and you tell him once more, no. You don't know how much those things claw at your soul, shredding it inside you!

You've never had to tell him you can't buy him a balloon animal that costs 50 cents, because you just don't have a measly half dollar to spare. You've never had to stay up late to figure out yet another way to make rice or potatoes because you can't afford anything else. You've never borrowed your parents' credit card to buy Christmas presents for the kids because if you didn't, they wouldn't have Christmas unless they starved for the entire month of December.

You don't worry every time you need time off from work that you might come back to find you have no job. You don't plan the ways you'll beg your boss not to fire you before you even tell her you need the time off. But then, that's not a surprise, because you don't want to work, so you probably wouldn't care if they did fire you.

But you know what, that's all okay. Really, it's fine.

Because while you don't do all that, you also don't tuck them into bed each night, smelling the watermelon soap and raspberry shampoo they used at bathtime. You don't kiss their sweet little boy cheeks, and hear their precious little voices say, "I love you" as they also wish you sweet dreams. You don't get the cuddles when they are sick or have a bad dream. You don't get to laugh at all their silly little stories and ideas. You don't get the sheer, uncomparable joy of seeing their amazement when Santa brings them exactly what they want on Christmas, or seeing them look at you like you're some kind of hero, when you fix their favorite toy for the fifth time this month. You don't get the rush of love that comes when you see them come running to you at the end of the work day, so thrilled to see you because they missed you so much while you were gone and they were with the sitter.

You don't get to feel the intense pride I feel when they behave well, or do well in school on an assignment. You don't get to brag about them to anyone who will listen the way I do. You don't get to take any credit whatsoever for the wonderful, good people they will turn out to be someday. That's all mine.

You are missing out on all the special moments in thier lives. You won't have any wonderful, precious, cherished memories to keep you warm when you grow older. You won't have the love and respect of these two precious people who still trust so easily and love so much. You won't have a relationship with them, because you don't have one with them now, and don't want one. And that, You, is precisely why I pity you.

I hate you because you've put me in the position of being a single mother. You've left me to be mother and father to them, to worry and worry constantly about how we'll survive, because you won't contribute to their support. Which is why you're in a small jail cell right now.

But I pity you for all you are missing out on. Things that you don't know and don't care about right now, but when you are old and alone because you've driven everyone away with your selfishness and lazy irresponsibility, you'll care then. You'll look back on these wasted years and you'll taste bitter regret on your tongue.

But so as not to drive the stake in too deeply, let me say it now: I told you so.

Sincerely,
Me

The ex and I were in court this week. He's still not paying, so I moved to have him held in contempt yet again. Sure enough, this time he got 60 days in the county lockup. It's really pretty sad, though. He's got a complete lack of ability to realize how easily he could solve this problem. He comes into court, no job, no money, and seems to think that boyish charm, or in this case, flat rudeness, will get him out of trouble. He admits to the judge that he does absolutely nothing all day, gets caught in more than one lie, and actually has the balls to get an attitude with the judge. As the title says, stupidity and the inability to shut up can be such a beautiful thing sometimes.

But, I do pity him. Not only for the things he's missing out on with my kids. Even before the judge ordered that he be incarcerated, he knew it would happen. He began getting his things together, taking off jewelry and belts and such that he can't have in jail, and asking the bailiffs to give it to his father outside. He knew how to hold his hands for the cuffs, he's gone through this so many times. I pity him for that. I find it so sad that someone I once loved and saw a forever future with has come to this. He knows arrest procedure and incarceration as well as the police officers do, and that is a shame. He's one of those people who has amazing book smarts when he applies himself, but not much common sense, and way too much self-indulgence and laziness for any one person to have.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not getting soft and wanting to go easy on him. That won't happen. My children are entitled to that child support. And since they are unable to fight for themselves, I will fight for them, and I will not stop. I just find it so pathetic that someone who could do good things if he wanted to, just doesn't. He's selfish and arrogant, and if it doesn't do something for him, he doesn't want to do it. How nice it would be if we could all be that way. Ha!

60 days in the county jail. I doubt it will make much of a difference in him. But, I do hope that on Christmas Day, when he gets his meal of whatever they give them in jail (and we all know it's not as nice as what we get at home), that he looks at that meal, and looks around himself at the bare, cold walls and bars of his cell, and at the other inmates around him, and realizes that this doesn't have to be his life. I hope that he realizes what it means to be a man, and lives up to that. I hope that other inmates might come to that same realization as well.

And if he doesn't realize it, then I'm just glad he incriminates himself every time we go to court. Makes my job so much easier.

Being My Whole Self

2007-11-27T21:56:00.001-05:00

I watched a movie that I recorded from Lifetime tonight. It was called More of Me, starring Molly Shannon as a mother of twins who wishes there was more of her to go around to her career, twin children, and husband. In classic TV fairy tale fashion, her wish comes true, and out of a 3-panel mirror comes one of her to be the mother, one to be the career woman, and one to be a sex kitten to the hubby. Each of the alter egos end up spinning out of control, and going to extremes in their particular area. By the end of the movie, she realizes that she needs to be "my whole self" in order to be the best person she can be.

The movie was, I think, intended to be a comedy. It certainly was funny. But, it made me think. As a single mother, although all mothers do feel it, I often find myself wishing things were different. When I'm at work, I feel guilty and want to be home taking care of my children. When I'm home with my children b/c they're sick or something, I feel like I'm letting my employer down. And at least twice a day, once at work and once with the kids, I wish for some "me time". I feel as though nothing and no one gets as much of me as they deserve, or need. When I take time for myself, even something as simple as a bubble bath after the kids are in bed and sound asleep, I feel as though something somewhere is being neglected. I'll sit in bubbles up to my neck and think about how I should be in bed, resting for the early morning ahead of me.

But as I watched this movie, I realized that even though I feel as though I'm letting everyone down, I'm not. I need these different parts of myself in order to be what everyone needs. I wouldn't be a good mother if I never had any experiences outside my home and my children. How can they learn anything from me if I have nothing to teach them? And without work, and a little quiet time, I wouldn't appreciate my children as much as I do.

We often focus so much on what we aren't doing for others, what we don't have for them, what we can't do, can't find, can't say. We think more about our perceived failures than our true triumphs. I'm not one of those perky, dimpled smile people that drives everyone nuts with their upbeat attitudes. But I do think that the power of positive thinking has some merit to it. Maybe instead of focusing on what we don't/can't do for our kids, spouse, employer, friend, family member, neighbor, etc., we should focus on what we already do for them.

And there's something else that I had pointed out to me today:

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking , I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

That was sent to me in an e-mail at work. And although you can tell it's meant to be a reminder that children are watching, I think it's something to keep in mind for everyone. I think we all do things that we don't think other people notice, but they do. More than that though, I think we do things for others that we don't realize matter so much to them. A simple thank you for a job well done seems like nothing to us, but the person we're thanking might take that thank you as so much more b/c they're having a bad day, or week, or month.

With those thoughts in mind, and bedtime looming near, I think I'm off to do some guilt-free yoga. And tonight my mantra will be "I can't be what everyone needs unless I am my whole self".

Instant Gratification = Whining Adults

2007-11-13T19:32:00.001-05:00

It's a really great thing to be able to go online, and read the news anytime you want, instead of waiting for 6pm or 11pm. It's awesome to shop online before you hit the store to get an idea of what you want, or to check flight times and book your flight and hotel for your vacation. But there is one problem with all this instant response stuff: It turns adults into whiny little brats.

I work for a company that wholesale distributes products to the retail store. This means that we deal with the retail store owners and their employees whenever they call in to place their orders, or have questions about a product. I have several problems with the behavior of these people.

First and foremost, is that they call in constantly with questions about how the product works, what it looks like, etc. Seems to me if you're going to sell it, you should be somewhat familiar with it. I, for one, am not impressed by the high-pressure salesperson who says, "I don't know how it works, let me call my distributor and ask."

Second is their attitude. These people will call up with the worst attitude I've ever heard in my life. Who do they think they are impressing here? They call up and they say to me, "I want to speak to so and so." I say so and so is on a call, but I can put them thru to voicemail, and in return, I hear, "Look, I have a customer here, so just get up off your butt and go tell so and so I'm holding, I need answers and I need them now." Excuse me?! If I ever heard a salesperson talking to someone that way, whether or my behalf or not, that would be the end of it right there. I would walk out of their store immediately.

What really gets to me though, is the whining. These people whine more than my children! When our computer system was down one day, it was supposed to come back up in 30 minutes which was when one of the salespeople went to lunch. When I told his customer that it would be up in 30, he says to me, "But he'll be at lunch then. How will I place my order? I need to do this now, before he goes to lunch. What will I do if I can't?" Uh, hello, the computer system is down. You can't place the order, even if I do put you through to your salesperson. When I try to explain to him that his salesperson will call him back when he gets back from lunch, he whines about the wait.

I realize we all have things to do, and I realize that the customer can just go on down the street to the next customer, but seriously: can we not wait 15-20 minutes for a return call? Why must they act like it's the end of the world instead of thinking of it as an opportunity to try to sell other stuff while they wait?

And they always want to hold, as if their salesperson doesn't have 20 other people to call back, and they are just the most important customer we have. I want to know how they can stand to sit there doing nothing but listening to cheesy hold music? That would drive me nuts. I never want to hold. I'd rather call back or leave a message and have them call me back.

Oh, and let's not forget the threats. I actualy had one customer call up (he does maybe $2000 worth of business a year) and when I said his salesrep was on a call, he said to me, "Put me on hold. And I better not have to hold long or I'll call Corporate. I don't want to call them, but I will if I have to." LOL. I guess that's supposed to make me leap from my chair and run at full speed to his salesperson and tell him that if he doesn't get off the phone with his $250,000 customer right now and take this other guy, he's going to call Corporate. Big friggin' deal. And frankly, when I'm threatened, I tend to respond by doing the exact thing they say they don't want me to do. I left him on hold for a half hour. Gee, he never did call Corporate. Hmmm...maybe he couldn't figure out how to dial all those numbers.

We claim our children are becoming selfish, and want everything now, now, NOW. I think, though, that if these people are any indication, it's our own fault. We've come to expect to get everything immediately, and have therefore taught our children that this is acceptable. I'm guilty of it too, although I do try very hard to teach my children patience and that there are times when you just can't have what you want right when you want it. I think I do a pretty good job.

Although it's great to have easy access to things, I think we should take a step back in time. Credit cards weren't always around; you had to save your money for things you wanted. You see it all the time in old movies, or even "Leave It To Beaver" and shows like it: the kid who stares longingly in the window and the bike he so desperately wants, but can't have until he gets enough money from mowing lawns. Most people would not have a lot of the debt they have if they quit using the credit cards to immediately buy what they want, and just saved for it. Don't misunderstand me: I have one credit card, and I'm broke. I'm a single mom with a sucky job that doesn't pay nearly well enough. But, I'm not broke because of my credit card. I use it one time per year: to pay for Christmas. That's it.

I'm just saying: While you can get most everything you want right away, sometimes you have to accept that it's just not going to happen, and be gracious. Be patient. Don't whine like a child. It's very unattractive.

Knowledge? Or just a big mouth with a direct line to a little brain?

2007-11-10T18:08:00.001-05:00

When I was growing up, I couldn't wait to escape the tiny town I lived in. It was unbearably boring, with nothing to do and no one to hang out with. That was not offensive to my friends, because they felt the same as I did. Our parents were too controlling, shackling us with tons of rules and curfews, which as adults now, we realize were actually tender chains of love, not shackles.

Time passed, and eventually, I did grow up, and I did move away. I moved away, had my fun, and now, ten years later, I'm back, raising my two children here so that they can hate it as I did, only to later realize how nice it actually is.

I'm sure you're familiar with the name Wesley Snipes? Yes, honey, I am from the Ocala area. You know, that area where you just can't turn around without seein' a cross-burnin' or a lynchin'. I mean, goodness gracious, we're just so damn racist around here, we can't stand it. ***typed with a honey-thick Southern drawl***

Ok, I'm done with the sarcasm. Seriously, this whole situation is ridiculous. I mean, the fact that he's pulling the race card on charges of tax evasion...really. It's pretty simple math...you owe taxes, if you don't pay them...hmmm, yeah you'll get charged with tax evasion.

But it's not just his claim. It's the fact that everyone who wants to agree with him, and say that this area is a "hotbed of Klan activity"...has never been here! Or if they have, they were driving through on their way to somewhere else! So, how, exactly did they discover all this Klan activity?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying there aren't any racist people around here. There are. Just like there are in every other city, in every county, in every state. Racist people are everywhere. And they're wrong. Period.

With that said, this area, while it definitely does have it's share of rednecks, is not any better or any worse than any other area of the country. The thing I find most offensive, though, is that all the people who are saying how bad this area is, are people who've never been here or who've only passed through very briefly. That would be like me saying that Miami is full of Cuban voodoo. I hear all the time that there's tons of Cuban people down there. True? I don't know. I've never been there. Do they all do voodoo? I don't know. I've never been there, never met them. I'm sure there may be some, but that doesn't make it full of it. And I can't say either way, because, again: I've never been there. I would never presume to make a declarative opinion about something like that without having actually been to the place, living there, and making an effort to find out.

So, I'm left to wonder why people feel the need to spout opinions based on nothing more than air and call them fact. You can't call it knowledge when there is no knowledge behind it. So, the only thing I'm left with is that their mouth is bigger than their brain, and and so whatever few things filter down from the tiny mind flow out of the big mouth like water in a thunderstorm from a dry rain spout: unstoppable.

Role Models? Maybe not.

2007-11-06T21:11:00.001-05:00

Have you noticed how we seem to hold "celebrities" to a higher moral standard than we do most "average" people? Let me put a disclaimer here: I am not condoning the actions of any celebrity, nor am I excusing, or justifying them either.

Dog the Bounty Hunter was just yanked off the A&E schedule for his use of the N-word. Now, again, not condoning, excusing, or justifying. With that said, here's how I see it: He was just fired for something he did in what he thought was privacy. His use of that word was wrong, pure and simple, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. He should not have used it; no one said. I agree with most people, though, who say that if people really want that word to go away, the rappers need to stop using it, and so do every day black people. But, back to my point. He was saying something to his son in what he thought was going to be a private message. Since when do we get fired for things we do at home? How many of us would be fired tomorrow if our boss found out what we said about him/her at home? And really, we've all had that really bad day when we came home and told our spouse, child, friend, neighbor, whoever, what a jerk the boss was.

Now, I'm not saying that he didn't deserve some kind of repercussion. This got out, and as a public figure, yes he does have some responsibility to set an example. I think anyone in a position of that type has an obligation to set an example, and to try to do good with their status. But, at the same time, they're entitled to make mistakes, just like the rest of us. And yet, when they do, we act shocked and amazed, as if we thought that they just couldn't do that.

Let's be honest here: If this was your best friend, your spouse, your sister/brother/mom/dad, neighbor, co-worker, whoever, and they'd made this comment in their home, and it got out, you'd be up in arms, angry and outraged that they were being fired for something they did in their home. And yet, when it's a celebrity, we demand they be fired, lose everything they've ever had. Is it a case of wanting to punish the accused, or is it a case of being jealous and wanting to bring them down to our status?

Now, don't get me wrong: I've never been a fan of Dog. I only watched his show because I think his son, Leland, is hot. I've always felt that Dog seemed a bit...hypocritical, doing his little prayer circle before hunting, and then calling the bounties all kinds of names. And I realize that we're dealing with the criminal element here. He's not the mailman delivering the phone bill. He's a bounty hunter, hunting down lowlifes who've broken the law, and then chosen to run/hide when it comes time to face the judge. Yeah, calling them names is expected, and hell, I say appropriate. But it seems hypocritical to me to stand around and pray first. You're a Christian, fine. You believe, great. But something about that whole scenario just seems weird.

Anyway, my point was to say, why do we hold celebrities to such a higher standard? Is it because they really should be? Should we really expect them to be so much better than us morally? And if we should, why? Why shouldn't we expect ourselves to be better? As I said, I believe that they are in a position to set an example, yes. But, with that said, I prefer my children's role models to be someone a bit more...down to earth. Celebrities have plenty of money at their disposal to do anything they want, buy what they want, and change whatever they want about their lives. Us regular people don't have that luxury. We go to work everyday at jobs we despise, working for and with people we don't like, who annoy or anger us, and come home to clean the house, cook dinner, help with homework, and repeat ourselves five times before we're heard when we say it's bedtime. I'd rather my children learn from that than from the celebrity who can crack up a car in a high speed car chase, blame it on the drugs and go to rehab, or spend ninety minutes in jail.

That's not to say we can't admire celebrities. In a previous post, I've named some of the ones I look up to: Queen Latifah, Melissa Etheridge, Reba, and I've recently found Jenny McCarthy to be another. But the people I've looked up to the most, my entire life, have been my parents, my grandparents, and other people like them.

I think we need to change the way we look at things. I think we need to expect good from celebrities, but not demand a public beheading when they screw up. I think we need to encourage our children to look to us for their role models and their ideas of how real men and women should act. We need to take control of our lives and the future of society instead of letting it rest in the hands of celebrities who are just as human as we are and make the same mistakes that we do.

Second disclaimer: Britney Spears, Nicole Ritchey, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and company are not included in this blog. They are just plain out of control and should be locked away somewhere until they get it together.

The Reality of Stephen King

2007-11-03T21:03:00.001-04:00

So, here's a Halloween story for you, a couple of days late:

Two women, a mother and daughter, take the daughters two kids to a haunted house on the Saturday following Halloween. Being that it's within walking distance, they decide to walk. They make their way through the home of torture and fear, and then begin their trek back home. Turning onto their dark street, they walk a few steps before a truck turns onto the street behind them. The women take the children and step off the road onto either side of it, waiting for the truck to pass. The driver turns his headlights off and on, to indicate they should continue. Warily, they do so. The truck does not move. A few steps later, music begins to emanate from the truck. The daughter recognizes it as AC/DC, but not the precise song title. A lyric or two into it, she realizes it's "Highway to Hell". Appropriate.

They continue walking, trying to quell their unease. The truck finally begins to slowly move. They all crowd to one side of the street, as far off as possible to allow the truck to pass. Finally, he does so. A few yards down the road, he speeds up. Both women breathe a sigh of relief. They make their way, and about the time they get to the daughter's house, the truck turns into a driveway, backs up and turns around. "Highway to Hell" is still blaring from the speakers. The four step into the yard, to wait for it to pass, not wanting the driver to know that it is their destination. He stops in the road directly in front of the house. Trying to convince themselves that perhaps this is just some lost person needing directions, they step toward the truck, and he speeds off down the road again. Turning the corner, he is gone. The four make a mad dash for the house, thrilled that the mother's husband is on his way.

Spooky story, right? That really happened to me tonight! I told my mother the second he flashed his headlights at us, I said "This is a Stephen King novel waiting to happen." I sit here, an hour and a half later, still not knowing why this guy did all this, but still very uncomfortable. I actually went to my car and brought in a stick with a piece of lead on the end of it that I carry for protection. Fortunately, my car is parked in my attached garage, therefore I didn't have to go outside. This was just so weird. The thing is, this is usually a pretty safe neighborhood. I don't know if that made it more scary or not, but it just...it got to me.

So now, I had stuff I was going to watch on TV tonight, but I'm so spooked, I can't bring myself to watch it because it's all scary stuff. This is so annoying.

On a lighter note....my boys got kind of scared at the haunted house. My oldest really freaked out at one point, because they had this tableau with a boy being held captive to be turned into dinner, and the boy is reaching through the fence begging you to please help him, and he's only a couple of years older than my son. I understood why that upset him, and I sat down with him on the ground, and explained to him that it was fake, that the little boy was not scared. I told him that the boy was actually having a lot of fun pretending to be scared. I think he understood. He's sleeping now, so that's a good sign. I guess if he wakes me up in the middle of the night, we'll know it didn't work.

Well, I think I'll go watch "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" on TV. A nice, funny movie to lighten me up and get rid of the spooks.

What's Important?

2007-11-01T21:17:00.001-04:00

Last night was Halloween, of course. I took my children trick-or-treating at a walking-distance business that was having a haunted house/party for the kids in town. They were dressed up as Frankenstein, and absolutely adorable. I went as a vampire victim. LOL

They had a great time, as did I. My parents went with us, and we saw a lot of friends. One of whom was the business partner/best friend of the friend who died over the weekend. It was good to see him there. It was the first time I'd seen him since the death, and so I went to give him a hug and let him know I was there for him. He hugged me tight and I could hear the tears in his voice as he spoke in my ear. This is not a man who cries easily. I brought my boys home, and by the time we got washed up and into bed, it was ten o'clock. They weren't asleep until eleven.

I was frustrated, because I wanted to shower and get to bed myself. I was verging on angry, because I was just so damn tired, and I'd had a long day that I wanted to be over. Just when I was ready to lose my temper, I heard the echo of my friends tear-choked voice in my ear. And I realized that life is too short to be upset over a little lost sleep. I reminded myself that I should just be grateful that my children are here to keep me awake. That extra hour of sleep really isn't that important when you think that you could lose your child, your parent, significant other, friend, in just the span of time it takes to have the thought that you want to get mad at them. And would you really want them to die with you being angry at them? I know I wouldn't.

With that said, there is someone that I am mad at, and pretty much always am. And it ties in with the theme of what's important, because I cannot fathom this. My former husband owes me several thousand dollars in child support, because he hasn't paid in a couple of years. I've taken him to court twice to have him held in contempt for this, and he's been to jail once for it. He's a convicted felon on probation, which means this could, feasibly, send him to prison, under the right circumstances. I've filed papers to take him in again. This will be contempt #3. Now, there's more than one reason I can't understand him. The most obvious is: self-preservation. Most people would pay the support to keep themselves out of trouble, if for no other reason. Yet he seems to not care about that, or he's too stupid to realize how much trouble this could be. Which is entirely possible, because he's one of those people who couldn't dump water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. But, let's set aside self-preservation. How could you help concieve two children, profess to love them, to want them, and then just completely and totally turn your back on them in every possible way? How could you walk away from your own flesh and blood without a single glance back, without a twinge of guilt, and not feel the slightest remorse, guilt, regret, doubt, concern, SOMETHING?! The thought of walking away from my children is something I would do about as soon as I would grab a butcher knife and cut my own heart out of my chest. I do not understand how someone can do that.

My oldest asks me sometimes why his father doesn't come see him. I don't want to lie to him, but I also don't want to build his father up to him. So, I say the only thing I can, walking that fine line between truth and deceit: I say his father has problems he has to work out. Which isn't really a lie, I suppose, because not loving your child is a problem in my book. But I feel bad telling my son that, because I feel as though I'm holding something back from him. And I don't like to be anything less than honest with him, not only because honesty is a value I hold as important, but also because considering how much his father lies, I feel as though I'm doing my son a disservice.

This is where the title of my post tonight comes into play. What is important to you? After the recent death, and seeing my friend last night, I've really been thinking about this today. What's really important to me? I've always known my kids were important to me, that they come first, but today I've realized just how important they are to me. I've realized that making sure they are healthy, cared for, and have the values, morals, education, and abilities required to take care of themselves as they grow are important. So, tonight, instead of making dinner while I help with homework, like I usually do, I sat down with my son and focused on helping him.

I've also realized that I need to stop worrying so much about my weight. I've been overweight since having my children, and I constantly diet to try to lose the weight, and worry about what people think, and wish I had the figure I had before I had kids. I've decided I can't do that anymore. I have to accept that I am who I am, and that I am beautiful just like I am. Instead of worrying about what I can eat that won't make me gain ten pounds, or when I will find time today to work out, I'm going to enjoy my time with my kids, or reading, or whatever I'm doing. I'm going to focus on the moment, like yoga teaches.

I do yoga and meditate daily. I'm going to start using my meditation to focus on what's really important in life.

Oh, and just to lighten the post up a bit....my kids aren't scared of anything. LOL They didn't get scared of anything in the haunted house, although Mommy and Granny got scared a couple of times. There's another haunted house in the neighbor hood that will be open on Saturday, cause she only does it on weekends. We'll see if they get scared there or not. :)

Those left behind

2007-10-28T16:06:00.001-04:00

Sometimes you come across a book that touches you and really makes you think instead of just entertaining you briefly. I just re-read such a book. The Snow Garden by Christopher Rice is a book....well, I'm going to give you my summary since the book has none that I've ever found. It's a book about a group of college students, all of whom have a tragic past that they are trying to escape, by creating themselves anew, some more than others. Randall Stone, who is running from the fact that he (possibly unintentionally) killed his entire town, is the most successful at doing so, although all of them, and even a professor, are all moderately successful at this task. The book follows them from when they start at the college, backtracking into their pasts to give you the story of why they are so desperate to escape who they are. It's a really good book.

As I read it, and after I finished it late this afternoon, I couldn't help but wonder, how many of us would really like to do this ourselves. I mean, I'll be the first to admit there are some things I'd like to outrun, change, erase, or whatever I could do to eliminate them from my history. But, given the actual opportunity, the chance, to really do it, would I? When I sit here right now, with it not being a true possibility, I can say yes, I would. But I also know that that's not a realistic answer, because I know I can't do it, so it's easy to say I would.

But, the weirdest thing about all this is that as I'm having these thoughts, I get a phone call. Someone that I've been acquainted with, and who's been a friend of my family for years, shot his girlfriend in the face and then killed himself last night. Her young son discovered her lying on the couch, injured but alive, and found his body. It seems so strange to have finished this book and now am trying to accept that someone I knew could do something like this. There is no explanation at this point for why he did it, although there will never be one to satisfy those left behind. What reason can you give for attempting to kill someone you love, and then killing yourself? What can you say that will ease the suffering and the grief that those who are left to pick up the pieces and carry on? As far as I've ever known, there is nothing.

But, at the same time, I'm also reminded of Stephen King's Lisey's Story, which is, to quote Nora Roberts, at its core, a love story. This book shows you the strange and twisted ways that people will sometimes show their love. We always think that people who abuse their children, kill their spouses, or kill themselves, obviously don't love those people. And while it will never make such tragedies right or acceptable, it does make you take a step back and think, "Wait a minute. What s/he did wasn't right. And obviously there was something wrong there. But maybe I shouldn't be so quick to say s/he didn't love them."

I say that because I know that in no time, there are going to be people who are going to say that he must not have loved her, or that he hated her, or what have you. And you know what, maybe they will be right. But, maybe, just maybe, they're not. Maybe he did love her. Maybe the problem did not lie in his feelings for her, but his feelings for himself, or some other situation. That doesn't make it right.

I'm not condoning what he did. I'm not saying he's right, or that what he did was acceptable, okay, or even understandable. I don't understand it. To be honest, I don't know that I want to understand it. That might require going somewhere in my mind that I don't want to go, somewhere where insanity and depravation lives in all of us. But what I am saying is that we should not judge him, should not be judge and jury in the trial of his life. Obviously, he made a mistake, and it's not one he can ever atone for or make right now. So maybe we should cut him some slack, and instead of passing judgment, think of those he left behind. Those, like the girlfriend he shot, who now has to forever wonder why he did this. Or her son, who will forever wake up from nightmares in which he continues to find his mother's bloody form on their couch. Or his best friend and business partner, who doesn't understand any of it, and just wants his best friend alive and well again. None of them want to hear anyone say how horrible a person he was, or how he didn't love whoever, or deserved what he got or any of the other millions of stupid, petty, judgmental comments we all make when we see these situations on the news and in the paper. Yes, I've done it too. But now that the news story exists outside the TV and the paper for me, I realize how wrong we all are to do that.

His friends and family will grieve for him. We will, because regardless of his reasons, he was a living man and he deserves to have someone grieve for him. But we will also grieve for the ones he left behind, the ones he left to try to pick up shattered pieces of life and try to glue them back together into some resemblance of what they used to be, even though it will never be the same. That gaping hole that was him will never be filled, and life will never be the same.

Regret? Or just wishful thinking?

2007-10-24T22:27:00.001-04:00

When I was 17, I worked as a cashier in a grocery store. I loved that job; and I was so good at it, too. Not that I'm not good at the much more complicated jobs I've had since then; it was just something to really be proud of at that time. But, that's not my point.

While working at this grocery store, I met a much older man. He was 24. He was sexy, funny, sweet, everything a girl could possibly look for in a man. But, of course, being 17, I was too stupid to realize the good thing I had, and so for the next few years, we had a yo-yo relationship: up and down, on and off, him waiting patiently for me to grow up, me wanting something more exciting, dramatic.

Well, end of that story is that I made a huge mistake, although in some ways I don't regret it. I met my ex-husband and got pregnant with my oldest child. The result was, well, of course, my child, but that I married my former jerk-I mean, spouse. I was adult enough to call and try to tell my wonderful guy how stupid I was and what I was doing. After that, I never spoke to him again.

I don't blame him for hating me, despising me, or anything else he may, and probably does, feel for me.

Here's my thing though: There's a lot of nights, I lie awake, wondering where he is, what he's doing, and if there were any possibility he might still love me, and if I found him, maybe we could have a chance.

Which is why I now wonder: Do I truly regret what happened, truly still love him and want another chance with him, or is it the wishful thinking of youth gone by? Is it what I really want, or do I only think I want it because it's not an option? I've looked for him, used every resource I can find that doesn't cost (because as a single mother, I can't afford it!), all to no avail. Which is another reason why I wonder. I mean, if I could have just dialed his number, and had him on the phone, would I still have this longing for him? Or is this a matter of wanting what I can't have?

I'd like to think it's real. I do think it's real. This was a man who meant a lot to me, even though I wouldn't admit it at first. My ex-husband was a mistake, and had I not met him and gotten pregnant, I believe this other guy and I would still be together, with a family of our own. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying I want to go back and change things. In one sense, I would, because I would still have the other guy. But mostly, I have to say, as much as I regret the end of the relationship, I'd still do it, because it gave me my children. My children are my life, my world, my center. I can't say I would change or regret the situation that resulted in thier births.

I don't mean to sound mopey and depressed. It's just something that I think of quite frequently. I'm sure other people do something similar. I just wonder....are we all regretting what truly could have been, or are we regretting what we've convinced oureslves would have been?

Popcorn, Cotton Candy and Music

2007-10-17T20:12:00.001-04:00

Hmmm...betcha can't guess what this is gonna be about. :)

My son's school had a fair tonight. It was pretty cool...totally free, everything. Which, as a single mother, I love. Anything free is a good thing when your paycheck is stretched so thin you can see right thru it like a friggin pane of glass.

Anyway...for being a small deal at a small "country" school, it was a lot of fun. The kids got to slide on an inflatable slide, jump in an inflatable fun house, and just generally have a blast. The school librarian (and pretty hot guy...not just for his looks, read on) was in the dunking booth. My oldest couldn't dunk him, and neither could my little guy. But Mr. Wilson is such a sweetie, he had the teenage boy running the booth lift my little one up, take his hand with the ball and bang it on the target so he'd get dunked. :) We all got splashed and my 4 yr old strutted the rest of the night, crowing, "I dunked Mr. Wilson!" I love a man who can be so nice to kids. This guy definitely tops my list of awesome men just for that.

The Sheriff's dept. was there with their helicopter. All the kids got to sit in it, and at the end of the night, we got to watch it take off, too. I'm an adult, and even I have to say, it was pretty cool. LOL. I never realized how powerful they were, though. We were standing there and I was thinking how nice this breeze was that had come up. Then I realized the trees weren't moving off in the distance. That was when it hit me. It was the helicopter. My two boys stood there, mouths dropped open, eyes wide, amazement clear in their gazes. I got a thrill just from that, just from seeing them so amazed and awed by something so simple. I also was glad it gave me an opportunity to let them talk to a police officer and show them that the police are friendly and that we should trust them if we need help.

I embarassed my son, too. That was fun. They started playing the Macarena, so I started dancing. My son was like "Mom, stop that." I looked at him, and I'm like, "What?". He goes "Stop that, you're embarassing me." LOL I told him he needed to remember that moment the next time he wants to make a butthead out of himself in the grocery store. Then, I stopped dancing. LOL.

We didn't get any cotton candy, though, because the machine broke. My boys were very disappointed, and I'm disappointed for them. Cotton candy is a fair staple, and it just doesn't seem like you really get the full experience unless you get cotton candy. I promised I would buy some from the store for them...of course, now I have to find a store that has some.

All in all, they had a blast, and so did I, just from watching their joy. It's good to see a bunch of kids act like kids. All the kids there, no matter how old they were(it was K-12), just acted like kids. No one felt the need to act like they were too cool to be there, or it was boring, or whatever. It reminded me of what it was like to be a kid. To go do something just because it was fun, not because you had to. To do something fun on a school night, and not worry about the fact that you had to get up early the next day, or do dishes, or laundry, or pay the phone bill, or whatever. I think we all need to do stuff like that every now and then. We all need to set aside the worries of adulthood and be a kid again for just a little while.

But, here's what I find truly funny: My son is listening to all this music that they're playing, and telling me how much he loves this song or that song, and they're all songs from when I was a kid! I used to hear songs growing up, and come home to tell my parents about this "new song" I just heard, only to have them tell me it had been around since they were younger. I never believed it, until now. I have to laugh when my son comes home to tell me about this new song he heard, for example, called "Who Let the Dogs Out" and I tell him that I used to listen to that when I was pregnant with him. It's truly funny to see that look on his face. Priceless.

Ever notice how much life sucks?

2007-10-12T21:49:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I know. Real blunt. I'm feeling blunt tonight. See, here's the thing. I'm trying real hard to be optimistic and upbeat and all that crap, but it ain't workin' so well.

My youngest child turned 4 last week. Not a bad thing, per se. But, as happy an occasion as it is, it's also slightly depressing for the mother. The sudden and yet not so sudden realization that my baby is growing up is not a fun one to come to. I look at my child, and see how different from the baby that was he is now, and although it's wonderful in some aspects, it's also saddening in some. I see hints of the man he will be one day, side by side with leftover tidbits of that chubby little baby I brought home from the hospital. The two different life periods intertwined make for a very bittersweet moment in time. This, in itself, is not the reason for my bad mood, though.

My great-grandmother is still alive at the age of 97. She's the only great grandmother I have left, along with one set of grandparents. I feel very fortunate to be 28 years old and still be able to say that I have grandparents, and a great-grandmother that are still alive. This gratitude is being rapidly worn away, however. My great-grandmother suffers from dementia and is now in a nursing home. This alone is depressing. She doesn't want to be there. She cries and begs for various family members to take her home when they visit. This is heartbreaking, even if you don't witness it first hand.

That's not the worst part. At 97, she's now been diagnosed with breast cancer. It started with a lump the size of a dime, and within 3 months was the size of a lime. They will not do anything to treat it. Logically, the 28 year old part of me, my mind, understands this. At her age, she might not survive the surgery, or might and then not survive chemo, or might survive all of it only to be pronounced in remission and die of old age the next day.

But my heart, that little girl inside of me, doesn't understand any of this at all. Why won't they try to save her? Why won't they do something, anything, to help her? Why did this happen at all? She's 97! Isn't it enough that she would die soon anyway? Plus she has dementia. She's already lost to us in mind, living in some world in her head, built by her own design, populated with her own little family and friends. Is it really necessary to force her to live in pain and agony for her last days?

I realize some of what I'm saying sounds like I'm being selfish and not wanting my great-grandma to die. That's not the case. I've long ago made peace with the fact that she will die, as will my grandparents, parents, even myself and my children, someday. This abstract concept is not a problem for me. The reality of my great-grandma's more imminent death is a little harder to accept, but I've made great progress in the acceptance of this. It's the way she will go that bothers me.

I don't want her to die a painful death. It just doesn't seem right. Almost a hundred years on this planet, giving birth to several children, seeing the births of many grandchildren, and even more great-grandchildren, seeing the world go from outhouses, no indoor plumbing, no phone, not being able to afford electricity, no cars, to a world full of CDs, DVDs, hybrid cars, MP3 players. She's lived through wars taking place on foriegn soil, and watched as terrorists attacked on our own soil. She's watched the world change from mothers staying at home with their children while the men worked, to single mothers having children, occasionally without a father. She's lived so long, seen so much, and it just doesn't seem right that her death should be one filled with pain. She should be able to die with dignity, in a way that is calm, peaceful, and uneventful. Is that really so much to ask?

People will tell you that things happen for a reason. No matter their faith, no matter yours, they all say that. I just don't see the reason for this. What possible reason could be served by giving a 97 year old woman a painful illness that, at her age, is incurable, and forcing her to live out her last days either in pain or in a drug-induced, but pain-free, haze. Neither one seems to be the option I'd want if I were her.

I've mostly come to terms with her death. I know one day, my phone will ring, and it will be my mother or father to tell me she's gone. And when that happens, I will cry. I will feel that ache deep inside that tells me that she's no longer here, and I will find the way to sit down with my children and find the words to tell them of her passing. Whether or not they will understand is another story, especially considering that I don't much understand myself.

So, I repeat my question: Ever notice how much life sucks?

Innocence of an early Fall Day

2007-10-01T21:28:00.001-04:00

My babysitter had a situation to deal with today that required her to close, therefore I had to stay at home with my 3 yr old. We left the house this am around 6:45 to drop my 6 yr old at school and then came back home. By 7:30am it was raining. Then it stopped, rained again around 10ish, and then cleared up. We hung out inside, though, cause it was just easier. At 1, we left to get my oldest. I have an attached garage, so I don't actually go outside until I step out of my car at my destination. Or, in a case like today, until I roll the window down at the mailbox.

When I pulled up at the mailbox in front of the house and put the window down, the first thing to hit me was the temperature: It was beautiful. Comfortable, warm but not hot, cool but not cold, just that perfect temperature that makes you wish for this moment to last forever.

The next thing to hit me was the smell. You know that smell you smell when fall is just beginning? It's that indescribable scent that you just associate with fall: crisp, good, cleansing. It's not one you can explain with words like "salty" "spicy" or anything like that. It's just that smell that seems to float it's way into your nose, clearing out pollution, allergies, stress, all of it. It seems almost to slide into your brain, massaging the tension of life away, for that one moment anyway. It's also a fleeting scent. You only smell it that one time, at the beginning of fall. Tomorrow, well tomorrow it's supposed to rain, but if it weren't, the smell still wouldn't be the same. That first time you smell it, you have to breathe deep, take it all in, savor it, enjoy it, revel in it, because the next time you try to find it, it will be gone.

It was so wonderful I took my kids out into the backyard after we got back from school. Homework was left on the table for later, dinner put in the freezer to be cooked whenever we got to it, and the phone left where it was. No one needed to interrupt my precious time with my babies. So, we went out back, laid on the ground, and found shapes in the clouds. I haven't done that in so many years...I don't even remember when the last time was. Just like riding a bike, it all came back instantly. I saw a sheep, a girl on a unicorn, a duck, a dog, and when my oldest saw a crocodile, it took me only a split second to see through his eyes and see it, too. At one moment, even with my sunglasses on, I found my thoughts turning to complaints about the sun being too bright. I mentally slapped the thought away. Children don't complain about that. They simply squint and enjoy the moment; so that is what I did. I'll have crow's feet for it; who cares? I got to be a kid again for just a few moments, and it was wonderful.

Tomorrow morning, the alarm will go off at 5:30, that ungodly hour of the day when it is still dark and quiet and I'm starting my day with dressing, making lunches, and deciding how to wear my hair for yet another day at a job I'm growing to dislike more and more by the day. At that time, the stress, worry, tension, responsibility, and aggravation of adulthood will rush back in. And at that time, I will welcome them with open arms, as they are my life now. But for this afternoon, for tonight, I'm simply a girl. I may be 28, but that doesn't mean I can't still be a girl every now and then. Yes, I helped with homework, cooked dinner and loaded the dishwasher. But you know what? None of that pushed me back up the ladder to adulthood. It probably would have if I'd let it; I didn't. Like I said, tomorrow morning is soon enough. Right now, as I sit here with my fingers flying over the keyboard as they have since high school, I am nothing more than a girl. Old sitcoms on TV, 80's music on the stereo, a good book at my side, it all combines to make me feel as though I've gone back to that simpler time. That time when bills and grocery shopping were someone else's responsibility, and all I had to do was eat, sleep, do homework, and hang out with my friends.

Friendships are harder to maintain now. Grocery shopping and bill paying take up the time that used to be spent with friends. Homework has been replaced with real work, although homework still comes into play when your little one struggles, or when you want to be sure they understand how important education is. Eating and sleeping become things to schedule instead of things to enjoy, and even those things you enjoy so much tend to feel like chores because you have to plan and plot to make time for them, much as you would plan doing the laundry or plot who will do the vacuuming today.

Even with all the responsibilty, the chores, the bills, and everything else; I think we all need to take some time every now and then to lay down in the back yard and see the shapes in the clouds. To smell that sweet, here-and-then-gone scent of fall in the air. To feel the balm of smooth temperatures flow like tender fingertips across your skin. Squint into the sun without complaint; you can buy some Olay later to cure the wrinkles. Laugh with your children. They'll be thrilled; and so will you, if you just let yourself. Don't let Life stop you from enjoying your life.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T....what does it really mean?

2007-09-28T21:47:00.002-04:00

OK, once again, no poem tonight. Tonight I'm blogging about respect. This is a two-fold thing. Part of it has to do with celebrities and part to do with just regular people.

Am I the only one who's noticed lately the slew of celebrities getting arrested and/or just plain attention for doing the stupidest, most idiotic things? Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney and all her problems, and now, even Keifer Sutherland has been arrested for a DUI! I used to think he was one of the celebrities you could look to as a role model but no more.

See, here's my thinking: A celebrity should be more than a face in a movie. They should be role models, someone to look up to, to want to be like. Not necessarily the whole famous, tons of money thing, but to be like them in terms of personality and good deeds. They just aren't that anymore.

There are about 5 people that are celebrities that I can think of right now that I admire and respect. Yes, I said respect. I have no respect for most celebrities today; I may like their acting/singing/writing etc, but I don't respect them because they just don't seem worthy. Let me tell you the people I do respect and why:

1. Melissa Etheridge: Yes, because she's a lesbian, and no, not because she's a lesbian. Let's be honest here; most people today feel the need to conform, to hide who they are, what they are, for fear that people won't like them, won't buy their movies/music/books, hire them, etc. Melissa doesn't do that. She also doesn't feel the need to crow from the rooftops about who/what she is. She simply is. Period. She's a happily married lesbian, with a beautiful wife and children, all of whom she loves, and she simply is. She's honest about it, but doesn't need to shove it down your throat. When she had breast cancer, she was honest and open, and showed the world just how tough she really was. I admire someone like that. Someone who can be who she is, without feeling shame, anger, or the need to be in your face all the time. She has a "Take me or leave me" attitude; either you like her for who she is, or you don't, and she doesn't much care either way. She's as human as anyone else, so I'm sure when someone makes disparaging remarks about her or her wife, it hurts her. But that doesn't make her run out and proclaim she's not who she is, or that she's being treated differently because of who she is. She simply moves on with her life and doesn't let it get her down.

2. Queen Latifah: This woman is another like Melissa Etheridge; she is who she is and you either accept her or you don't. She's a full figured woman, but you don't see reports of her starving herself, binging, or being on the newest crazy diet. She has accepted that she is larger, and made it work for her. This is the biggest part of it for me. I have had 2 children, and my body shows it. I am out of shape and overweight, but seeing someone like Queen Latifah helps me feel better about myself. It reminds me that we are all beautiful. She also doesn't get herself into trouble all the time. You look at some of these other celebs, and they're out drinking, and drugging, sleeping with whoever or whatever. She doesn't do that. Her love life is discreet, if she drinks or does drugs, it's behind closed doors. She sets a good example publicly. This is the kind of woman I want to be like.

3. Camryn Manheim: Same thing as Queen Latifah. She's a bigger woman who's comfortable with herself. You don't see her dieting, drinking, carousing, or generally making an ass out of herself. Again, she makes me feel better about myself.

4. Reba: A beautiful, wholesome country girl who can write, act, sing, run a business, raise a family all at the same time. What the hell isn't to admire there? She's multitalented, responsible, again, no drinking, drugs, dieting, no offensive comments coming out of her mouth, no fueding with anyone. She's one of those celebs that you just feel like if you met her on the street, she'd end up being your best friend. I think Melissa, Queen, and Camryn would be similar, but with Reba it's just something that you can't help but feel.

5. Stephen King: Aside from his incredible imagination and talent, he's just another down-to-earth person who doesn't seem to have let the fame and money go to his head. He has a wife, children, a life outside his public persona. He's humble, and real.

See, these are the kind of people we need more of. People who are real, who are humble, who don't let fame, fortune, and attention go to their heads. Nicole, Britney, Lindsey and the like have all let it go to their heads. Not to mention that they feel the need to live up to this ridiculously idealized image of what they should be. I don't want to see some size 2 bimbo as the ideal woman and what I should aspire to be. I want to aspire to be like the women on my list: happy with who I am, no matter what my size, lifestyle, orientation, money situation, etc. I want to be able to be comfortable with myself, and not constantly wishing I was smaller, taller, richer, more famous, whatever.

On to the next aspect of the whole respect issue...My employer has merged with another company, and is upgrading the computer and phone systems. Not a bad thing alone. But, I see bad things coming down the road with the power of a semi. I see my entire location being shut down by Dec. 1st., give or take a day or two. But no one in a position to know, and trust me they do know, will tell us anything. Now, while I understand that they may be concerned about us walking out on them, my problem is this: I have 2 kids to support. I have a mortgage, bills, food, etc. to take care of. If you're going to put me out of a job, couldn't you at least respect me enough to give me a heads up so I can prepare for that? Of course, if you call them on it, they'll claim they couldn't say anything, that they were told by the higher ups not to. Grow some balls, would ya? When you know people have families, responsibilities, bills, you should have the damn decency to show them the courtesy of a little advance warning.

People don't give or earn respect anymore. You used to be taught that you should respect someone until they give you a reason not to. These days, it seems that it would be more appropriate to say give respect only to those who earn it.

OK. I'm done with my rant for tonight. :)

The Vulnerability of Love

2007-09-27T21:08:00.003-04:00

Anyone who's ever been in love knows just how vulnerable it makes you. Not just romantic love, any love. Love that's true, deep, intense, and real makes you vulnerable like nothing else in life can. Your heart is on display, outside a protective glass box. Anyone can throw a dart and pierce it so easily, when you love someone.

I've loved many people in my life. The obvious ones: parents, grandparents, blah blah blah. And I do love those people dearly. This is where one aspect of the vulnerability appears. My great-grandmother, a woman I truly love dearly, is 97 years old. She has breast cancer, and at her age, there is nothing that they can do that would serve any real purpose to help her. I'm 28 years old. I've lost other family, I've lost friends, to death in various forms, including to breast cancer. But this love that I feel for this woman, this love makes me nothing more than a child. I've accepted that she will die, I have for many years. I'm not living in a fantasy world, I know that eventually, all those that I love will die...that's life. But accepting an abstract concept of reality, and facing the rather immediate reality of that same abstract concept are two very different things. Now that I'm faced with the fact that she will be gone from my life soon, I find it difficult to face. My heart hurts, my eyes well with tears and my brain just can't wrap itself around the concept. Every time I talk to someone about her, we do the usual "How's Grandma?" "The same" or "Getting worse". The answers are what I expect yes, but not what I hope to hear. I still, childishly, pathetically, ridiculously, hope to hear someone say that her cancer has miraculously cured itself. I've never wished so hard for a cure for cancer than I have now.

She's not the only one I love though. I love my children even more desperately than my great-grandmother, my parents, myself. They are the beings that truly put my heart in the middle of the street for the world to run over. I would die for my children without hesitation. I would die for them on the hint of there being the need for me to do so. I want everything for them: all the things they need, the things they want, a bright future with a good job, nice home, loving wife and incredible children. I want to be able to simply hand them all these things, even though I know the only way they'll appreciate them is if they work for and earn them. Still....a mother wants to provide. That's our job. It's in the manual.

But romantic love...that's a funny one. We claim to love unconditionally. I've noticed, this unconditional part...seems to really only apply fully to those we have no choice but to love: children, parents, siblings, other family. Unconditional love when it comes to boy/girlfriends, spouses, and the like only applies when they do what we want and don't hurt our feelings. Think about it: When someone cheats, betrays your trust in someway, or does something we find morally reprehensible, suddenly we don't love them anymore. Or claim we don't, at any rate. What's up with that?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not judging anyone for that feeling. I've done it. When my former husband cheated on me, generally the first words out of my mouth ran something along the lines of "I hate you!" or "I don't love you anymore!" Of course, in the end, those quickly spouted phrases turned out to be fateful prophecies of our future, but that's not my point. My point is, why do we claim to love someone unconditionally when, in reality, we place many conditions on them? For those of you who are sitting there right now, saying, "Hey! I've never placed conditions on my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/person I'm seeing/insert your situation here", let me ask you these questions:

1. Do you expect him/her to be faithful?
2. Expect him/her to be honest, not lie to you?
3. Expect him/her to live without breaking the law?
4. I bet you expect him/her to work at a decent job, to want the same things you want, to have similar interests, right?

Well, look at that, there's 4 conditions right there that you place on your love, your lover, and your relationship. See? Now, don't misunderstand; again, I'm not judging. I have those conditions, too. My point is why do we want to be crow about unconditional love and such when really, we only love under certain, rather rigid circumstances?

I've had many loves in my life, some great. My ex-husband does not fall under the category of "great". In total brutal honesty, he really doesn't fall under the "love" category much at all...but that's a blog for another time.

One of my great loves was a boy I met at the very tender age of 13. He was a sweetie of a boy, and we were together for 5 years, until I was 18 and we went our separate ways. He was also the first boy I was...intimate with, hence his status as a great love. Sweet boy, and I truly, without a doubt, loved him. We just wanted different things and got to different stages in our lives, and it couldn't work anymore. We both felt bad, but we ended things amicably. I truly hope he's found happiness in his life and is with a woman who loves and appreciates all his wonderful qualities.

Another great love was a man I met when I was 18. He was my best friend for several years after we broke up. Part of why he was a great love. We loved each other even after we broke up. We looked out for each other, kept each other sane and from making huge mistakes with dating. We talked about everything. He was the first person outside my family to find out I was pregnant. He was so excited for me. Unfortunately, our friendship ended when our respective spouses found out that our very solid friendship started out with us dating and sleeping together. They were not happy, and both insisted we end the friendship. Although it was painful, we did what we felt we needed to do out of respect for our spouses. They deserved to know they could trust us, and we both could see how they might feel they couldn't in those circumstances.

The greatest love of my life, though, was a indeed a very tragic story. OK, not really, but it really does kind of suck. He's a sweet, really incredible guy I met when I was 19, and we've been friends for all these years, with an on-off relationship. Yes, it was off during the years of my marriage. We love (yes, I used present tense) each other so much it's just unbelievable. But, we want such different things in our lives, and can't seem to compromise. This is a man that I feel so safe, so secure with, that I felt comfortable telling him things about my marriage that I never even told my parents. He has truly, even more so than the other, been my best friend. He listens, makes me laugh, makes me feel sexy and beautiful and loved. But we're just so different. I live in a small town and love it; he wants to be in the big city. I love my children and have them with me 24/7; he loves his son, I know, but he doesn't have anything to do with him except to pay child support and ensure that his son is taken care of should something happen to him. He says he's doing that because he loves his son and he believes it's best, but I don't agree. I don't fault him; I just have a different opinion, and this is a bone of contention between us. It's very disconcerting to love someone, and yet you still can't make the damn relationship work. It also makes it hard to stay friends. That whole thing about once you say I love you, the friendship never stays the same, is very, very true. Our friendship has never been the same since we took that destined step.

Which brings me to my point...I think. Love makes us so vulnerable; puts us in a position of insecurity, doubt, and reservation, and yet at the same time makes us more powerful, safe, secure, and happy than anything else. It can hurt, and end badly, and yet we still search for it, seek it out endlessly, hoping for that happy finale. Why? Is it because we enjoy being vulnerable, being open to hurt and pain? Or is because we are so desperate to have that happy power, that security that we'll continue to risk the hurt and pain until we find it? I'd like to think it's the latter, but some of the relationships and couples I've seen make me think the former might really be the truth.

And while I'm on the subject, let's talk about the other love: who the hell is anyone to say someone is wrong for who they love? I get so sick of people who want to criticize gay and lesbian couples, and deny them the same rights as any straight person. I happen to have a very close family member who is gay, and I see no reason why he should be treated any differently. What the hell difference does it make if he loves a man instead of a woman? If he's happy, and the man he's with loves him and treats him with respect, love, and dignity, what the f*ck is the difference? I hear people say that allowing gay marriage will undermine marriage between a man and a woman. Can I tell you a secret? I was married to a man, and let me tell you, he undermined our marriage all on his own. The two lesbians five houses down or the gay guys three miles north of us didn't have a damn thing to do with it. I say if someone makes you happy, then it doesn't matter what their gender is, they make you happy. Life is too short to try to conform. Take your happiness, and your love, where you can find it. A lot of the time, love only happens once. Why on earth would you want to pass it up just in case there's something more "acceptable" and "normal" down the road? Who defines "normal"? Certainly no one I want defining it.

It's late, and I have work tomorrow. I think I'm off to bed, to dream of being vulnerable in love once more. And to contemplate once again just what lengths I would go to for love of my children and others that I love.

A day without problems would be...a miracle

2007-09-26T21:22:00.001-04:00

There are days when I love my life, adore just everything about it. Then there are days when I feel like everything and everyone is out to get me. Today is somewhere in between, I suppose.

I currently have satellite service with an unnamed DISH provider. I am extremely displeased with their service: the signal goes out if you breathe too deeply, and they consistently charge me for a past due balance that does not exist. Here's the best part though: When asked to explain how I owe this alleged past due balance, they tell me about the money they owe me!

Last week, we had a very, very nasty storm rage through the area during the night hours. Now, Florida storms can be bad anytime, but they are much more intimidating and problematic at night, when you can't see a tornado coming if one should form, which they did that night. Needless to say, I lost my signal. There were tornadoes nearby, and I knew nothing about them because I had no television. The storm was so ferocious that I couldn't even get a radio station on the stereo. My parents down the street still had cable though.

So, I decide I've had enough of DISH provider, and I'm going to get cable. I'd already started checking into it, but that made my decision. The local cable company, BRIGHT HOUSE people that they are, claimed they needed to do a survey to determine if they could service my house. OK. My house is brand new, so I can understand this. This process took more than 2 weeks, however. And in the end, they say they can't service my house. I'm in the middle of my block, surrounded by houses that can or are fully capable of getting cable, and apparently, somehow, I'm the ONLY house on the block that can't get cable.

I'm thoroughly disgusted. The only option left to me was to find out what another provider could do. So I called a DIRECT satellite provider, which a co-worker of mine has and swears by. They insist that their signal is very good, and that I will rarely lose it. Of course, they're paid to say that, just like I'm paid to say my company is the best. But, I get more channels with them than I do with the idiots I have now, for the same price, so I figure what can it really hurt right? I mean, if the service sucks, I guess one sucky service is the same as the next right?

The biggest problem I have with all of this, though, is this: customer service. Almost 12 years ago, when I started working, I worked in retail sales. The first thing we were taught is always smile. Never argue with the customer, no matter what. If you must argue, argue politely, with a smile on your face, and don't sound like you're arguing. The people I have dealt with, with the exception of the DIRECT people, have been rude, argumentative, harsh, impatient, and clearly annoyed by the fact that I have simple questions I want answered. Now, I won't lie to you: I work in a job where I deal with customers, and yes, they do annoy me. You'll see, in the future, on my blog, me complain about them. But I never complain to them, I never let on that I'm annoyed, my voice is always perky, polite, happy, and helpful, no matter what they say to me, no matter how stupid, rude, arrogant, annoying, or whiny they may be.

I know I can't be the only one who's noticed that customer service seems to have deteriorated in recent years. It seems like no matter where you go, who you call, or what you need, the people you have to deal with are impatient, rude, or bored. Or....ohhh...the one I really love: the one who makes a mistake and then refuses to admit they messed up. The BRIGHT people did that one: she tried to tell me on the 25th that they came out on the 26th. Not that they were coming out, but that they DID come out. HUH? I say to her: You can predict the future? She says: What? I say: The 26th is tomorrow. If you're telling me they came out on the 26th, then you can predict the future. She says that's not what she said, but I heard her say it. She keeps coming up with different things she claims to have said, and each time I shoot down her excuse, she comes up with yet another. Wouldn't it just be easier to say: Oops, I messed up. I'm sorry. ? I guess not.

I'm just disgusted with society in general right now. It really seems as though we've stopped caring about our fellow humans, and only care about ourselves. We only seem to care about not looking bad, and how long until our shift is over so we can get back to our lives. Or how to get the cute guy we saw in the store, or whatever shallow concern is obssessing our minds lately. Is obssessing a word, or did I just make that up? I don't know. I don't care...hey, look at that. One simple statement, and I'm just like everyone else.

No poem tonight. I couldn't find one that I'd already written that fit, and I just don't have the energy right now to come up with something new. Tomorrow night, I'll have one. Maybe a love one...maybe I'll write about love. We'll see.

Stay tuned. :)

Childhood revisited...through another's eyes

2007-09-25T18:29:00.001-04:00

Standing on the brink
Of a new and wondrous adventure
You look back at me
Excited fear in your eyes
Holding onto my hand, fingertips to fingertips
On the very verge of letting go
I give you a trembling, encouraging smile
Hiding my breaking heart
I don't want to let you go
Even though I have no choice
You do not belong to me alone
Though, deep down, I wish you did
I wish you could be my own little angel
That I could hold you safe from harm
But that just isn't the way it works
I can't hold you close and protect you forever
So off into the world I'll send you
To watch you grown and learn
To see you move away from me
Become the man you're meant to be

My oldest son is 6 years old. He'll be seven in a few months, but I refuse to think about that right now. :) He's in first grade, which is a very different first grade than the one I was in. We live in Florida, which is a state that has implemented the stupidest system for determining how much a child has learned. But, that's another story.
My point, and as others have said, I do have one, is that my child is in school, and he brought home his interim report today. My son is very, very intelligent. I know, I'm his mother, and I'm prejudiced, but in all seriousness, and not being a braggart, my son really is incredibly smart. He has the ability to do so much with his brain. His downfall, which is also his greatest gift, is his imagination and his energy. He gets the imagination from me, so I am (partly) to blame for this. He cannot sit still. On those rare occasions when he can be still, he drifts off to a world of his own design, where no one else can join him. This makes for some very poor conduct grades come interim report time. He got his interim report today: A's & B's and nothing else for his academics, which I'm so proud of I could bust. But all N's for behavior. This does not make me happy. He could be on the A/B Honor Roll if he could just behave. My biggest problem is: How do you tell a child to stop using his imagination and to contain his energy at school without stifling that same creativity and turning him into a lethargic lump? It seems like a catch-22: If I tell him to stop, he'll take it so literally that he'll stop using it period, but if I don't tell him to stop, he'll get in trouble all the time. It's frustrating, and yet at the same time, I have to be proud, too, because so many people these days seem to lack imagination and energy. The energy to run and play, the energy to chase their dreams and hopes and wishes. The imagination to come up with creative, outside-the-box solutions to world problems as well as personal everyday problems, to dream and dream big, to inspire, create, and grow.

My other son has the same imagination and energy, but those will not be his downfall. His downfall is, without a doubt, his unequivocal stubbornness. He gets an idea, a thought, an opinion and just will not back down. If he thinks he's right, that's the end of it. He won't hear otherwise. When he wants to do something, he will never stop trying, and if he's not allowed to do it, he will never stop trying to think up ways around that. Isn't it amazing how something so silly can be such a double-edged sword? It can be your best trait or your worst.

I get frustrated with both of them, for those things mentioned above. I don't know how to get through to them, to get them to see that they must compromise, between where they are now and the complete opposite. My mother will laugh and remind me that I was this way as a child, too. When I deny this, and I do, she points out specific instances that I have blocked somewhere behind the pain of childbirth and where I left my car keys when I got home tonight. Oh, yeah, I forgot about those. But still, my children are supposed to be better than I was, right? No, my mother says. I have that old axiom wrong: I'm supposed to want better for them, not expect them to be better than I was. Damn. Can't we re-write it?

But, as mothers do, she made me think. And when I look back on my childhood, I see those same traits that are so blocking me in my sons, blocking my parents with me. And I see how I turned out, which if I do say so myself, is not half-bad, thank you very much. So, I guess it can't be too bad, right?

When I look back like this, though, I see other things as well. I see dreams that fell by the wayside as I grew and changed and experienced life. Reality has a way of tearing dreams to shreds, sometimes, and others, we just are lazy and decide not to hold the tender threads of those dreams together. And when you pick the tatters up later, it's impossible to tell which was the case. Some dreams are destroyed with no hope of revival, such as the dream of having only one marriage that lasts my whole life through. Divorce tends to run over, shred and burn that dream while it's still singing it's love theme. Others can be revived, with a little CPR and TLC. And then there are the ones that didn't fall away, that are still present, still being dreamt, but you just forgot you have to work at.

My still alive dream is to be a published writer someday (no, a blog doesn't count. Unfortunately.) I write poetry, novels, short stories, whatever mood strikes me. I've never given up this dream, never stopped thinking of it, but I've stopped working at it. I write my poetry, and post it on a website and forget about it. I write my stories and novels....whenever I'm bored and think about it. I get tons of ideas, all of which I duly note...and then promptly forget about. In the hustle and bustle of school, work, homework, dinner, baths, bedtime stories and childhood illnesses, I tell myself that I just don't have time, too busy, have more important things to do. But really, is there anything more important than a dream? Think about it: Food sustains the body, love the heart, but what sustains the soul? Dreams. Without a dream, your soul will starve. If your soul is starved and slowly dying, what will happen to the heart and body? I can't help but think it wouldn't be good things. So, I think everyone needs a dream.

And I would not have thought of this if it were not for my child and his unacceptable behavior. It's interesting how something as mundane as a school interim report can send you on a journey through your memories and dreams, to help you find that place where your soul resides. Not just your soul, but your childhood self, to remind you who you used to be, before children, work, responsibilities and life itself took over and turned you into an adult while your back was turned to put away your barbie doll.

Seeing is Believing

2007-09-24T21:03:00.001-04:00

Who do you believe
When everyone is telling lies
What do you have faith in
When all you hear are half-truths
Everywhere you look
You see people hating others
Slinging insults, throwing slurs
All based on your skin or who you love
Yet they ask you to believe
They're doing what they should
Because what they have faith in
Would want them to
You're expected to believe
In something great and good
Even though everywhere around you
Evil and horror fester and grow
They want you to agree
There's magic in the air
And that you can close your eyes
And change your life
So, I ask again
Who do you believe in
What do you have faith in
Do you believe at all

What a note to start my blog on, right? LOL. I'm just having one of those periods of time where I'm feeling very pessimistic and down. It seems like when things don't go right, it happens all at once. And unfortunately, I just don't have a whole lot of faith in people right at this moment.

There are those people that you know you can always count on. My parents are two of those people. My parents give everything they can to me and my kids, and often, including just today, give what they don't have for my children and I.

But then, there are those people that you should be able to count on, and just can't. My ex-husband is the epitome of this. He is the father of my two children, and does not one damn thing for them. Doesn't visit, doesn't call, doesn't pay the child support he was ordered to pay. I gave the man a break, and let him start fresh with a clean slate even though he should have owed me several months of back support. I've bent over backwards giving him chance upon chance to change, to start paying, but he just ignores all this. He thinks this is nothing more than a big game.

Sometimes I feel that I'm the only person who understands what it means to be a parent these days. I sacrifice every day to ensure that my children have what they need. I wear clothes that are five, six, or more years old, with holes in the ass of my jeans, and never get to go out, to be able to provide the things my children need. To me, this is being a mother: your children come first, regardless of what price you personally must pay.

But because my ex doesn't pay child support, I find myself in situations such as: going to the World's Fair at my child's school, I had to tell them no, they couldn't have a balloon that cost fifty cents because I couldn't afford it. Am I the only one who knows what it feels like to watch your child's face crumple with utter disappointment over something that should be so simple and easy to give them?

My ex doesn't understand this. He's never had to do this. Hell, he's so fucking heartless and self-centered that it probably wouldn't affect him anyway. And that pisses me off more than the rest. That my heart is on the outside of my body since the day my first child was born: everything I see, hear, think or feel affects me deeply. I cry at any hint of a child being hurt or suffering, for anything. And yet my ex can stand there and feel nothing when it's his own child. How do you turn your feelings off like that? How do you turn off the love that should be so natural, so effortless, so impossible to not feel?

It's not just my ex...there are thousands of other people out there that do the same thing. And that's what bothers me. How do all these people manage to just shut it all off? People complain about the way the world is today: this is why it's like this. Because everyone just turns off their feelings, and ignore the wars, the child abuse, the hunger, the loneliness, the natural resources that are so rapidly disappearing. They just decide that if they don't like something, or it bothers them, they'll just turn off their emotions and pretend it doesn't exist, and I guess that's just supposed to make everything better.

I find it very difficult to believe in much of anything anymore. You can't believe in other people, because except for the very rare few, they will only let you down. You can't believe in a higher power, because you can't see anything to indicate they exist. Plenty of us pray in desperation, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. And most of the ones who do that, do it for exactly the reason I said: desperation. They don't pray to try to solve the world's problems, they pray when their personal problem grows so great, and they are so desperate for relief or a solution, that they'll do anything, and why not pray? It's as good as anything else, right?

I'm just disgusted with the world tonight. It's not a good place to be right now. And no one cares enough to try to change it.