Well, no update actually. I've moved this blog so that it will be under the email address I actually use, so I don't have to keep signing in and out all the time. So...to continue reading my blog, just go to
http://ilovemyinsanelife.blogspot.com
and you'll see everything there that was here...along with any new posts I make.
Thanks for reading!
About Me
- W
- I'm a single mother. I'm also a chef, photographer, teacher, housekeeper, seamstress, driver, drill sargeant, and judge. I have 2 sons, we'll just call them C and J. I have an amazing boyfriend, we'll call him D.
July 20, 2010
July 14, 2010
Yet another update...
So, things are better and worse, depending on the particular thing.
We got the boys off the meds and totally on the herbal stuff. They seem to be doing pretty well on the herbal...about the same as on the meds. I think the true test will be once they go back to school next month, although I must admit to some trepidation about that.
As for D and I...we're doing a lot better in our relationship. Other things, not so well. He lost his job last month, and only just found a new one this week. None of it was his fault, but it made things very tough and tense for a while. They're better now, though. And, we still have another potential job in the works, one that actually provides a job for both of us. It's an apartment complex management deal, looking for a couple. Provides an apartment, paid utlities, 3 weeks vacation, and a salary. Ideal solution to all our problems, so we're really hoping. Keeps him home, too (as does the job he just found), which is a plus in my book. I love seeing him every day, although if he did have to go back on the road, I'd deal as I did before. But, as horrible as the whole situation has been, one good thing that seems to have come from it is that it really helped our relationship. Having this time together, being able to see each other and talk and just be close has really helped bring us closer. We're doing so much better than we have been.
Tomorrow, I'm visiting a couple of assisted living places nearby. D's father is older, and thinking it might be time. I told D, because he has to be to work at 4:30 in the morning, that I would check a couple of places out and get some info for him. We're not making any quick decisions on that, because if we get the apartment deal, we'll be relocating about an hour away from where we are now. His dad would like to be closer, so we want to wait and be fairly certain of where we're going to be before we move him and try to get him settled somewhere.
My family isn't doing so well, either, at the moment. One of my uncles (well, my dad's uncle actually), has cancer. He's had it for a couple of years now. He keeps going into remission and then it returns. Now he's to the point where he has to have frequent chemo, and he's been told that if he doesn't get it, he will die. This is the only brother my grandmother has left, and she's 80 years old, so this is particularly heartwrenching. I'm very afraid of what may happen to her if he dies. I fear she may fall into a major depression, which at her age and with her health, will be very bad for her. As if that weren't enough, my grandfather's brother had to have open heart surgery...I believe it was last week, maybe the week before. They wanted to inject a dye into his veins and arteries to check for blockage, and couldn't even do that. They immediately scheduled the surgery. He came through it fine, but he needs to lose about 75 lbs and change his diet, and that's just so they can do another surgery to finish trying to fix what's wrong with him.
Writing all this has made me realize...I'm old. lol Sounds silly, I know. But honestly, this made me realize it. I'm sitting her writing about all the people in my family who might die and how I'm looking at assisted living facilities for my (I hope) future father-in-law. This is not the kind of thing young people do. This is what grown ups - old grown ups - do.
Oh, one last little update: Hell has officially frozen over. Yes, it's true: my ex has made his first child support payment in 4 years! It's not the full amount, but it's a start. Do I think he's changed? No, not really. But if he's willing to make an effort, I'm willing to be open minded and see where it leads. I did get a letter a few weeks ago that he was requesting a modification of child support. And I was pissed, trust me. I had every intention of hauling his ass back into court and having him held in contempt and pushing hard for an increase. But now that he's done this...while I doubt he's changed, and I doubt it will last, I'm still going to keep an open mind and see what happens. Maybe, just maybe, he's finally grown up and will step up to the plate.
So, that's about it for now. I'm going to try to post more often now that things seem to be starting to smooth out around here.
We got the boys off the meds and totally on the herbal stuff. They seem to be doing pretty well on the herbal...about the same as on the meds. I think the true test will be once they go back to school next month, although I must admit to some trepidation about that.
As for D and I...we're doing a lot better in our relationship. Other things, not so well. He lost his job last month, and only just found a new one this week. None of it was his fault, but it made things very tough and tense for a while. They're better now, though. And, we still have another potential job in the works, one that actually provides a job for both of us. It's an apartment complex management deal, looking for a couple. Provides an apartment, paid utlities, 3 weeks vacation, and a salary. Ideal solution to all our problems, so we're really hoping. Keeps him home, too (as does the job he just found), which is a plus in my book. I love seeing him every day, although if he did have to go back on the road, I'd deal as I did before. But, as horrible as the whole situation has been, one good thing that seems to have come from it is that it really helped our relationship. Having this time together, being able to see each other and talk and just be close has really helped bring us closer. We're doing so much better than we have been.
Tomorrow, I'm visiting a couple of assisted living places nearby. D's father is older, and thinking it might be time. I told D, because he has to be to work at 4:30 in the morning, that I would check a couple of places out and get some info for him. We're not making any quick decisions on that, because if we get the apartment deal, we'll be relocating about an hour away from where we are now. His dad would like to be closer, so we want to wait and be fairly certain of where we're going to be before we move him and try to get him settled somewhere.
My family isn't doing so well, either, at the moment. One of my uncles (well, my dad's uncle actually), has cancer. He's had it for a couple of years now. He keeps going into remission and then it returns. Now he's to the point where he has to have frequent chemo, and he's been told that if he doesn't get it, he will die. This is the only brother my grandmother has left, and she's 80 years old, so this is particularly heartwrenching. I'm very afraid of what may happen to her if he dies. I fear she may fall into a major depression, which at her age and with her health, will be very bad for her. As if that weren't enough, my grandfather's brother had to have open heart surgery...I believe it was last week, maybe the week before. They wanted to inject a dye into his veins and arteries to check for blockage, and couldn't even do that. They immediately scheduled the surgery. He came through it fine, but he needs to lose about 75 lbs and change his diet, and that's just so they can do another surgery to finish trying to fix what's wrong with him.
Writing all this has made me realize...I'm old. lol Sounds silly, I know. But honestly, this made me realize it. I'm sitting her writing about all the people in my family who might die and how I'm looking at assisted living facilities for my (I hope) future father-in-law. This is not the kind of thing young people do. This is what grown ups - old grown ups - do.
Oh, one last little update: Hell has officially frozen over. Yes, it's true: my ex has made his first child support payment in 4 years! It's not the full amount, but it's a start. Do I think he's changed? No, not really. But if he's willing to make an effort, I'm willing to be open minded and see where it leads. I did get a letter a few weeks ago that he was requesting a modification of child support. And I was pissed, trust me. I had every intention of hauling his ass back into court and having him held in contempt and pushing hard for an increase. But now that he's done this...while I doubt he's changed, and I doubt it will last, I'm still going to keep an open mind and see what happens. Maybe, just maybe, he's finally grown up and will step up to the plate.
So, that's about it for now. I'm going to try to post more often now that things seem to be starting to smooth out around here.
June 22, 2010
Remind me NOT to be my parents when I grow up!
I love my mom and dad to death, I really do. But living with them makes them...annoying. All in one evening, my mom managed to make me feel like a crappy cook, and my dad managed to make me feel like a crappy mom. Neither of them deliberately intended to do that, I think, but they succeeded fabulously anyway. Part of that could also have been because D was leaving last night, and so I was kind of in a miserable mood anyway.
Yes, D was home again. Got home Thursday, left last night. We are...better. Still not good, exactly, but better than we were, and we keep getting better. We're talking more, about us and what's wrong with us and how we can fix it. I'm not getting into any details on here, it's all very personal. But we both realize that we have our own complications that are contributing to the mess that is our relationship right now, and that we both have to work on changing/fixing our complications. Some are easier than others to handle, and some take longer than others, but I think, as long as we both continue to try and as long as we still love each other (which we do!), we'll be all right eventually.
The kids are out of school for the summer, and have been for about 2 weeks now. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm about ready for them to go back. Ok, not really, but there are moments when I would give anything for a little break. D and I took them to Orlando for the afternoon on Friday. There's this really interesting store down there that carries...well, everything. Literally. They have this huge variety of different things, just kind of thrown in there randomly. It's actually quite cool. D could spend days there, I think and never get bored. And now, so could the boys. We stopped and had lunch on the way down. That part was...well, not so much fun. The guy taking our order kept asking the same questions over and over, clearly not listening to us. Then we all went to the bathroom, and discovered no soap in either of them. Think about this for a minute. The same bathroom the employees use...and no soap. All together now: EWWW!!!!
We're spending lots of time in the pool. The kids brought home a little card from school that gets them 2 free games of bowling every weekday during the summer. I paid for a family pass so that I can bowl with them. All we have to pay for is shoe rental, so that's a nice little thing we can do every now and then. And we're hopefully going to get together with a few different friends and their kids at local parks or whatever. We did have tentative plans to get together with a couple of my friends at a lake house belonging to one of the friend's friends. But...the lake is now teeming with bacteria, so no swimming. And if I can't swim in it, I don't see much point to going to the lake.
So...aside from last night, life is getting better. D and I are doing ok, the kids are doing pretty good. I'm trying them on some herbal stuff to see if I can get them off the meds for the ADHD. I am not happy with the meds, I feel it's too intrusive in their systems, and there's just too much that's unknown about what it might be doing to their bodies. I could try switching them to something else, but that's not any better. So, D and I discussed some various herbal remedies and we got them and are now trying them out. In the next day or two, I'm going to stop the meds and just go with the herbal and see what happens. Wish me luck.
Oh, and C got his FCAT scores in the mail last week. He scored above grade level all the way! Even in math!! That made me so proud of him. Knowing that even though he struggles with math, he's still above grade level eases my mind. I think he put too much pressure on himself and then I put even more pressure on him and it just made things worse. Having seen these results, I'm hoping that we'll both ease up next year and he'll do better.
Well, that's about all that's going on right now. I'll try to keep updating, but I have little time to do much of anything these days, with two little boys constantly asking can we go outside, can we go outside, can we go outside? You know how if you say a word too many times, it starts to lose its meaning and not even sound like word anymore? Yeah, the words "can we go outside" have reached that point.
Yes, D was home again. Got home Thursday, left last night. We are...better. Still not good, exactly, but better than we were, and we keep getting better. We're talking more, about us and what's wrong with us and how we can fix it. I'm not getting into any details on here, it's all very personal. But we both realize that we have our own complications that are contributing to the mess that is our relationship right now, and that we both have to work on changing/fixing our complications. Some are easier than others to handle, and some take longer than others, but I think, as long as we both continue to try and as long as we still love each other (which we do!), we'll be all right eventually.
The kids are out of school for the summer, and have been for about 2 weeks now. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm about ready for them to go back. Ok, not really, but there are moments when I would give anything for a little break. D and I took them to Orlando for the afternoon on Friday. There's this really interesting store down there that carries...well, everything. Literally. They have this huge variety of different things, just kind of thrown in there randomly. It's actually quite cool. D could spend days there, I think and never get bored. And now, so could the boys. We stopped and had lunch on the way down. That part was...well, not so much fun. The guy taking our order kept asking the same questions over and over, clearly not listening to us. Then we all went to the bathroom, and discovered no soap in either of them. Think about this for a minute. The same bathroom the employees use...and no soap. All together now: EWWW!!!!
We're spending lots of time in the pool. The kids brought home a little card from school that gets them 2 free games of bowling every weekday during the summer. I paid for a family pass so that I can bowl with them. All we have to pay for is shoe rental, so that's a nice little thing we can do every now and then. And we're hopefully going to get together with a few different friends and their kids at local parks or whatever. We did have tentative plans to get together with a couple of my friends at a lake house belonging to one of the friend's friends. But...the lake is now teeming with bacteria, so no swimming. And if I can't swim in it, I don't see much point to going to the lake.
So...aside from last night, life is getting better. D and I are doing ok, the kids are doing pretty good. I'm trying them on some herbal stuff to see if I can get them off the meds for the ADHD. I am not happy with the meds, I feel it's too intrusive in their systems, and there's just too much that's unknown about what it might be doing to their bodies. I could try switching them to something else, but that's not any better. So, D and I discussed some various herbal remedies and we got them and are now trying them out. In the next day or two, I'm going to stop the meds and just go with the herbal and see what happens. Wish me luck.
Oh, and C got his FCAT scores in the mail last week. He scored above grade level all the way! Even in math!! That made me so proud of him. Knowing that even though he struggles with math, he's still above grade level eases my mind. I think he put too much pressure on himself and then I put even more pressure on him and it just made things worse. Having seen these results, I'm hoping that we'll both ease up next year and he'll do better.
Well, that's about all that's going on right now. I'll try to keep updating, but I have little time to do much of anything these days, with two little boys constantly asking can we go outside, can we go outside, can we go outside? You know how if you say a word too many times, it starts to lose its meaning and not even sound like word anymore? Yeah, the words "can we go outside" have reached that point.
June 8, 2010
Quick update
Well...things are far from perfect, but they are improving. D and I are talking more. We're definitely not where we used to be, but I don't think we're quite as close to falling apart as we were. I think we've managed to move back from that cliff. I'm feeling closer to him than I was before, and that's making a huge difference for me. I think he's really trying on his end, too, and that also makes a huge difference for me. When I believe he's trying, it makes me want to try harder.
The kids...we're getting there. School's about to be out for the summer, so I guess we'll see how things go. D and I had been discussing trying the boys on some various herbs for their ADHD, which I have ordered. I am now waiting for them to arrive so I can try the boys on them and see how they do. We agreed they have to come off the meds slowly, and that if the herbs don't work, we'll put them back on the meds. But I'm really hopeful the herbs will work, and D is confident they will.
We found a few different houses (well, I found them, since he's on the road) that we think will work. Yes, we are still planning to move in together. Another sign that we're getting better, I hope/think. One house is absolutely ideal, because it is 2 houses down from my parents. So the kids would be in the same school, same neighborhood, and still be able to see their grandparents on a very regular basis. Doesn't get any better than that. Let's hope D and I can get it. It also would be great because even though D wouldn't be able to park the truck at home, he would at least be able to continue parking it where he does now. No need to find a new place to park.
School's out tomorrow. One last half day and they're free. Which means Mommy is imprisoned. Ok, not really. Actually, I have various plans in the works with several different friends. Hopefully that'll keep us pretty busy and get us out of the house frequently. Between that, and when D gets home, hopefully we should find plenty to do so I won't have to hear a lot of "Mom, I'm bored!" over the next two and a half months.
So...that's what's up right now. I'll come back when I can and keep you posted. For now, things are ok and getting better, so just keep hoping for us on all fronts.
Oh, and just for laughs:
J: Mom, how old are you?
Me: I'm 31.
J: Wow! I'm never gonna be that old!
Thanks, son. I'll remember that the next time you want me to get you a cookie or something:
Me(quavering old woman voice): I'm sorry, J. I'm too old to get you a cookie.
The kids...we're getting there. School's about to be out for the summer, so I guess we'll see how things go. D and I had been discussing trying the boys on some various herbs for their ADHD, which I have ordered. I am now waiting for them to arrive so I can try the boys on them and see how they do. We agreed they have to come off the meds slowly, and that if the herbs don't work, we'll put them back on the meds. But I'm really hopeful the herbs will work, and D is confident they will.
We found a few different houses (well, I found them, since he's on the road) that we think will work. Yes, we are still planning to move in together. Another sign that we're getting better, I hope/think. One house is absolutely ideal, because it is 2 houses down from my parents. So the kids would be in the same school, same neighborhood, and still be able to see their grandparents on a very regular basis. Doesn't get any better than that. Let's hope D and I can get it. It also would be great because even though D wouldn't be able to park the truck at home, he would at least be able to continue parking it where he does now. No need to find a new place to park.
School's out tomorrow. One last half day and they're free. Which means Mommy is imprisoned. Ok, not really. Actually, I have various plans in the works with several different friends. Hopefully that'll keep us pretty busy and get us out of the house frequently. Between that, and when D gets home, hopefully we should find plenty to do so I won't have to hear a lot of "Mom, I'm bored!" over the next two and a half months.
So...that's what's up right now. I'll come back when I can and keep you posted. For now, things are ok and getting better, so just keep hoping for us on all fronts.
Oh, and just for laughs:
J: Mom, how old are you?
Me: I'm 31.
J: Wow! I'm never gonna be that old!
Thanks, son. I'll remember that the next time you want me to get you a cookie or something:
Me(quavering old woman voice): I'm sorry, J. I'm too old to get you a cookie.
May 31, 2010
Hit with a 2x4...well, not really, but it feels like it
Ok, so I haven't posted in quite some time. And this may be my last post again for quite some time. Things are...not good for me right now.
Well...no, that's not really true. Well, it is and it isn't. Yes, I know, I'm being confusing as hell. Welcome to my world.
I'm working on...well, everything. My life ha pretty much gone to sh*t lately. The kids have been out of control (this is not a new thing, but it's something I've got to get under control and quickly), I still can't find a job, and I was just informed that my relationship is pretty much in the toilet. Not that I hadn't suspected that for some time, but to have it confirmed really hurt.
We're not giving up...not yet. I refuse to give up. I'm willing to do everything and anything I can to save this. I love him, I want to be with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I think I've made that clear to him. He...well, he still loves me. Right at this moment, I think that's about all that's going for us on his end. This is all stuff that I am pretty certain we can work out, if he wants it to work out. He says he does, and I'm hoping he's not lying.
Of course, these problems are not his alone. They are mine as well, and quite honestly, they are probably mostly mine. I have major issues from my past. I can never open up and let anyone in when it really counts. I back off and try to hide myself away, so that when the hurt comes, it's hopefully less intense, and with the hope that they will never know just how much they've hurt me. The problem with this is that I don't just become an emotionless robot, I completely shut down. All I can think about is what I think is about to happen, but since I don't want to let that show, I just totally shut down. I don't talk about anything, I don't do anything, I can't focus, I can't think about anything other than the pain I think is about to happen.
In case you never knew, this does not work in a relationship. Especially when the other person gets frustrated with you, and backs off, thereby unintentionally confirming your fears, which makes you shut down more, which makes them back off more, and so on and so on. You see why my life is such a disaster now? Yeah.
We've talked about a lot of this. I don't know if he really understands where I'm coming from when I try to explain this. But I'm not sure that he really NEEDS to understand. Because I've come to the very clear realization that I just can't do that anymore. I have to open up, I have to let him in, no matter how much hurt I might be risking. I have to believe in him, in US, or we will be nothing but one more failed relationship in each of our pasts. I don't want to be just another ex-girlfriend that he tells a future girlfriend or wife about. I want to be his girlfriend...someday I want to be his wife. I don't know for sure if he knows I want that, and if he doesn't, I'm not sure right now would be the time to tell him. The point here is that I know what I want from him, from us, and I also realize that if I don't change the way I react to things, the way I interact with him, not only will I never have what I want, I won't have him.
I've realized now why pretty much all of my relationships have been such miserable failures. With only one notable exception, I've never let anyone in, and when they got frustrated with not being able to get me, to get TO me, they've given up and either broken up with me, or behaved in such a way that they knew I would break up with them. The only exception to this being my former husband. He was the one person that I DID try to let in, which probably reinforced my reluctance to do so, since I got so badly burned by that.
I trust D. I trust him not to cheat, I trust him not to lie. I think he has told me a few little lies lately, in an effort to protect my feelings, or maybe just to avoid an argument, I'm not really sure. But I can't really say that I can hold those against him, since in truth, my resistance to talking to him about this problem, could probably be construed as a lie itself, so I suppose I have no room to be upset. And I can understand why he would do that.
I'm coming to realize that if I trust him, if I love him, if I want to be with him, then I have to BE WITH HIM. I have to stop hiding, stop trying to protect myself, stop waiting for that inevitable shoe to drop and crush me beneath its heel. I have to risk that pain, risk that crushing blow, otherwise we'll never have anything together. If I get hurt in the end, so be it. That whole "better to have loved and lost" and all that. He's the first man to make me believe that's true.
He's also the first man I've ever truly loved. I've thought I've loved before. I had feelings that came very close to love, I think. I've had relationships that ended painfully, that left me crying and heartbroken. I've had a marriage that left me broken, period. I thought I'd fixed myself, thought I'd figured out how to live my life after that. I realized last night that that is so far from the truth it's not even a joke. When D told me that he thought us breaking up was inevitable, my heart literally stopped beating in my chest for a moment. The thought of being without him...I seriously thought it would kill me. I love my children, I would give up my life for them, I'd do anything for them. And I suddenly realized, when we had that conversation, that I've said the same about D, and that I really do mean that. And if I really do mean that...then I have to do it. I have to be willing to do anything to make this work.
The biggest problem he seems to have with me is that he thinks I don't talk enough. I tried to explain to him that it's that whole "shut down" thing, and again, I'm not entirely sure he understands. I'm going to change that. He's giving me an idea of what he would want to talk about, so I'm going to start doing some research and find things that fit those topics to talk about. He's agreed to start bringing topics up, and I will ask questions and we will discuss those things. He says he'll try to stop backing off. Whether he does or not, I will force myself not to shut down. I will force myself to stay open, and to keep talking, and hope that that will make him stop backing off.
Well, actually there's one other thing that really bugged him. A website I belonged to that he felt was really stupid and annoyed him to no end, it seems. I gave it up for him. It's a site I've belonged to for years, but I gave it up to show him how serious I am about making this work.
I will make sure that he gets more of me than anyone else ever has, with the exception of my children. In some ways, I think I've already done that. I know he's had more of me than my former husband, the man I share two children with. But I'll give him more. I'll make sure he gets all of me, even the things that I'm scared to share or that I've never shared with anyone else. I'll expand my interests to include things he's interested in, and talk to him about those things.
I'm going to risk getting hurt. I'm going to risk having my heart broken again, this time by someone I truly do love, in the hopes that it will save our relationship and I WON'T get hurt. He says he loves me, and I'm just going to have to trust that and believe in that and hope that that is enough until we get the rest back. And I have to believe that we WILL get the rest back. There is no other option here. I guess the rest is up to him.
As for the kids...with the ADHD, they've always been more rambunctious and wild than typical kids, but for years we had it under control. Things got a little crazy for a while, and then their doctor introduced me to a discipline system that she thought worked really well for kids with ADHD. And it did. It worked wonderfully.
And then I broke my ankle and for whatever reason, let the discipline go out the window. And I haven't gotten it back yet. That's going to change. I'm restarting the discipline program, and going to get them under control. I don't know how long it will take, it would certainly go faster if we didn't have to live with my parents who unintentionally (at least I hope it's not intentional) undermine me and try to impose their own discipline which just doesn't work.
So, as to why this may be my last post for a while...well, I'm going to be busy searching for things to talk about, trying to salvage my relationship, and get my kids under control, and I just don't know that I'll have a lot of time for this. I'll try to update every now and then and let you know how it's going, but we'll just have to see. Keep checking in, though, since I don't know when I'll be posting.
Well...no, that's not really true. Well, it is and it isn't. Yes, I know, I'm being confusing as hell. Welcome to my world.
I'm working on...well, everything. My life ha pretty much gone to sh*t lately. The kids have been out of control (this is not a new thing, but it's something I've got to get under control and quickly), I still can't find a job, and I was just informed that my relationship is pretty much in the toilet. Not that I hadn't suspected that for some time, but to have it confirmed really hurt.
We're not giving up...not yet. I refuse to give up. I'm willing to do everything and anything I can to save this. I love him, I want to be with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I think I've made that clear to him. He...well, he still loves me. Right at this moment, I think that's about all that's going for us on his end. This is all stuff that I am pretty certain we can work out, if he wants it to work out. He says he does, and I'm hoping he's not lying.
Of course, these problems are not his alone. They are mine as well, and quite honestly, they are probably mostly mine. I have major issues from my past. I can never open up and let anyone in when it really counts. I back off and try to hide myself away, so that when the hurt comes, it's hopefully less intense, and with the hope that they will never know just how much they've hurt me. The problem with this is that I don't just become an emotionless robot, I completely shut down. All I can think about is what I think is about to happen, but since I don't want to let that show, I just totally shut down. I don't talk about anything, I don't do anything, I can't focus, I can't think about anything other than the pain I think is about to happen.
In case you never knew, this does not work in a relationship. Especially when the other person gets frustrated with you, and backs off, thereby unintentionally confirming your fears, which makes you shut down more, which makes them back off more, and so on and so on. You see why my life is such a disaster now? Yeah.
We've talked about a lot of this. I don't know if he really understands where I'm coming from when I try to explain this. But I'm not sure that he really NEEDS to understand. Because I've come to the very clear realization that I just can't do that anymore. I have to open up, I have to let him in, no matter how much hurt I might be risking. I have to believe in him, in US, or we will be nothing but one more failed relationship in each of our pasts. I don't want to be just another ex-girlfriend that he tells a future girlfriend or wife about. I want to be his girlfriend...someday I want to be his wife. I don't know for sure if he knows I want that, and if he doesn't, I'm not sure right now would be the time to tell him. The point here is that I know what I want from him, from us, and I also realize that if I don't change the way I react to things, the way I interact with him, not only will I never have what I want, I won't have him.
I've realized now why pretty much all of my relationships have been such miserable failures. With only one notable exception, I've never let anyone in, and when they got frustrated with not being able to get me, to get TO me, they've given up and either broken up with me, or behaved in such a way that they knew I would break up with them. The only exception to this being my former husband. He was the one person that I DID try to let in, which probably reinforced my reluctance to do so, since I got so badly burned by that.
I trust D. I trust him not to cheat, I trust him not to lie. I think he has told me a few little lies lately, in an effort to protect my feelings, or maybe just to avoid an argument, I'm not really sure. But I can't really say that I can hold those against him, since in truth, my resistance to talking to him about this problem, could probably be construed as a lie itself, so I suppose I have no room to be upset. And I can understand why he would do that.
I'm coming to realize that if I trust him, if I love him, if I want to be with him, then I have to BE WITH HIM. I have to stop hiding, stop trying to protect myself, stop waiting for that inevitable shoe to drop and crush me beneath its heel. I have to risk that pain, risk that crushing blow, otherwise we'll never have anything together. If I get hurt in the end, so be it. That whole "better to have loved and lost" and all that. He's the first man to make me believe that's true.
He's also the first man I've ever truly loved. I've thought I've loved before. I had feelings that came very close to love, I think. I've had relationships that ended painfully, that left me crying and heartbroken. I've had a marriage that left me broken, period. I thought I'd fixed myself, thought I'd figured out how to live my life after that. I realized last night that that is so far from the truth it's not even a joke. When D told me that he thought us breaking up was inevitable, my heart literally stopped beating in my chest for a moment. The thought of being without him...I seriously thought it would kill me. I love my children, I would give up my life for them, I'd do anything for them. And I suddenly realized, when we had that conversation, that I've said the same about D, and that I really do mean that. And if I really do mean that...then I have to do it. I have to be willing to do anything to make this work.
The biggest problem he seems to have with me is that he thinks I don't talk enough. I tried to explain to him that it's that whole "shut down" thing, and again, I'm not entirely sure he understands. I'm going to change that. He's giving me an idea of what he would want to talk about, so I'm going to start doing some research and find things that fit those topics to talk about. He's agreed to start bringing topics up, and I will ask questions and we will discuss those things. He says he'll try to stop backing off. Whether he does or not, I will force myself not to shut down. I will force myself to stay open, and to keep talking, and hope that that will make him stop backing off.
Well, actually there's one other thing that really bugged him. A website I belonged to that he felt was really stupid and annoyed him to no end, it seems. I gave it up for him. It's a site I've belonged to for years, but I gave it up to show him how serious I am about making this work.
I will make sure that he gets more of me than anyone else ever has, with the exception of my children. In some ways, I think I've already done that. I know he's had more of me than my former husband, the man I share two children with. But I'll give him more. I'll make sure he gets all of me, even the things that I'm scared to share or that I've never shared with anyone else. I'll expand my interests to include things he's interested in, and talk to him about those things.
I'm going to risk getting hurt. I'm going to risk having my heart broken again, this time by someone I truly do love, in the hopes that it will save our relationship and I WON'T get hurt. He says he loves me, and I'm just going to have to trust that and believe in that and hope that that is enough until we get the rest back. And I have to believe that we WILL get the rest back. There is no other option here. I guess the rest is up to him.
As for the kids...with the ADHD, they've always been more rambunctious and wild than typical kids, but for years we had it under control. Things got a little crazy for a while, and then their doctor introduced me to a discipline system that she thought worked really well for kids with ADHD. And it did. It worked wonderfully.
And then I broke my ankle and for whatever reason, let the discipline go out the window. And I haven't gotten it back yet. That's going to change. I'm restarting the discipline program, and going to get them under control. I don't know how long it will take, it would certainly go faster if we didn't have to live with my parents who unintentionally (at least I hope it's not intentional) undermine me and try to impose their own discipline which just doesn't work.
So, as to why this may be my last post for a while...well, I'm going to be busy searching for things to talk about, trying to salvage my relationship, and get my kids under control, and I just don't know that I'll have a lot of time for this. I'll try to update every now and then and let you know how it's going, but we'll just have to see. Keep checking in, though, since I don't know when I'll be posting.
April 19, 2010
Just....blah
I've been feeling very....blah lately. I don't know that depressed is quite the right word for it, but I suppose it might be close. I have no real idea why I'm feeling like this. I know of a couple of things that have happened that could contribute to me feeling down, but I'm not sure to this extent.
I've kind of started to feel...disconnected from everything, from everyone. It's kind of hard to explain. It's not a completely disconnected feeling, more like...like I'm out of sync with everything. Almost like I'm a step behind, or maybe I'm a step ahead. I can't really tell.
The kids had Spring Break. We didn't go anywhere, just hung out at home. But they got to spend pretty much all day, every day outside. That thrilled them to no end. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. The weather is still beautiful; and now that it gets dark later, they are getting to spend a lot of time outside. They love it. Honestly, so do I, but if we could get rid of the mosquitoes, I'd love it even more.
I really have nothing to blog about right now. I felt like I needed to post something, since it's been a while, but there's really nothing to say right now. I feel like my life is falling apart, and I'm just not able to think of anything to do here. I know my feelings are ridiculous and not true, nothing is wrong in my life. I'm just in some stupid funk right now, and I wish it would go away.
I've kind of started to feel...disconnected from everything, from everyone. It's kind of hard to explain. It's not a completely disconnected feeling, more like...like I'm out of sync with everything. Almost like I'm a step behind, or maybe I'm a step ahead. I can't really tell.
The kids had Spring Break. We didn't go anywhere, just hung out at home. But they got to spend pretty much all day, every day outside. That thrilled them to no end. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. The weather is still beautiful; and now that it gets dark later, they are getting to spend a lot of time outside. They love it. Honestly, so do I, but if we could get rid of the mosquitoes, I'd love it even more.
I really have nothing to blog about right now. I felt like I needed to post something, since it's been a while, but there's really nothing to say right now. I feel like my life is falling apart, and I'm just not able to think of anything to do here. I know my feelings are ridiculous and not true, nothing is wrong in my life. I'm just in some stupid funk right now, and I wish it would go away.
April 5, 2010
No need for the "If all your friends jumped off a bridge" speech...
So, D was home last week. It was a nice time...until an hour or so after we got home. J said he was going in the house to go to the bathroom. After he'd been in there long enough for me to suspect that he might, in fact, be getting into something, I go to check on him. The phone rings, and since there's an extension in the garage, where we were, I asked D to go check on J while I grab the garage extension. When I answer, this is what happens:
Me: Hello?
Woman: Yes, ma'am, this is the ******* county Sheriff's Department. We received a 911 call.
Me: Silence.
Woman: From this number.
Me: Uh...that's impossible. My entire family is out..."
I run up to the porch where J is in the chair and D is standing there looking at me as I come running.
Me: J, did you just call 911?
J nods.
Me: Oh my god, ma'am. I'm so sorry. My 6 yr old son got hold of the phone and dialed it. Nothing is wrong.
Woman: That's ok, ma'am. A deputy will be out to do a well-being check.
I flipped out. D kept telling me to relax, but all I could do was flip out. The deputy came, and he was very nice about it, kept telling me to stop apologizing, but I just couldn't believe J would do that.
So, when I finally calmed down enough, I asked J why he did it. His response: because my friend told me to call 911. So....we don't need to have the "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" speech later. Instead, we'll just have the "Do you remember when you called 911 because your friend told you to?" speech. I think it'll be much more effective.
On an unrelated note, I got into a debate in my mommy groups tonight. It started out as a discussion and ended up as a debate. It was a rather simple topic, and I still don't see why it turned into such a debate. Basically it was about being a stay at home mom when you are with a man who is not the biological father of your children. My opinion was that yes, I would love nothing more in life than to be a stay at home mom with my children, but that I feel very odd about the idea of allowing my boyfriend to support me and my children. I feel a sense of responsibility that makes it hard to think that's ok. It's not a new sense of responsibility, just different, than when I was with their father. When I was with SD, it was a simple matter of they were his kids, too, and it was his job to take care of them. With D, it's not like that. They're not his kids, so they're not his responsibility. If he wanted to take on that responsibility (which, I will grant, in some ways, he does), fine, but it still would feel odd to me. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it feels to me like being lazy. By allowing him to work and support me and my children, even if I am taking care of the house and all, would feel to me like I am being lazy.
The debate began, and I suppose I should mention that I use the word debate loosely, because a woman who is considerably older than I and the other mother that shared my opinion, told us we were crazy. She is 68 yrs old, and of the opinion that a man should take care of women and children, whether they are biologically his or not. Of course, the majority of her argument consists of telling us we are crazy. Another mother got into the debate by telling us we should "get over it". I just find it intriguing that these women have no issue with letting a man take care of them. As I said, I would love to be a stay at home mom, but for me, the way I was raised, I find it hard to embrace the idea of seemingly sitting back and just letting my boyfriend bust his butt to take care of us when we are not his responsibility. I don't know, maybe I do need to just get over it, but it's just how I feel.
And on that note, I'm off to bed.
Me: Hello?
Woman: Yes, ma'am, this is the ******* county Sheriff's Department. We received a 911 call.
Me: Silence.
Woman: From this number.
Me: Uh...that's impossible. My entire family is out..."
I run up to the porch where J is in the chair and D is standing there looking at me as I come running.
Me: J, did you just call 911?
J nods.
Me: Oh my god, ma'am. I'm so sorry. My 6 yr old son got hold of the phone and dialed it. Nothing is wrong.
Woman: That's ok, ma'am. A deputy will be out to do a well-being check.
I flipped out. D kept telling me to relax, but all I could do was flip out. The deputy came, and he was very nice about it, kept telling me to stop apologizing, but I just couldn't believe J would do that.
So, when I finally calmed down enough, I asked J why he did it. His response: because my friend told me to call 911. So....we don't need to have the "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" speech later. Instead, we'll just have the "Do you remember when you called 911 because your friend told you to?" speech. I think it'll be much more effective.
On an unrelated note, I got into a debate in my mommy groups tonight. It started out as a discussion and ended up as a debate. It was a rather simple topic, and I still don't see why it turned into such a debate. Basically it was about being a stay at home mom when you are with a man who is not the biological father of your children. My opinion was that yes, I would love nothing more in life than to be a stay at home mom with my children, but that I feel very odd about the idea of allowing my boyfriend to support me and my children. I feel a sense of responsibility that makes it hard to think that's ok. It's not a new sense of responsibility, just different, than when I was with their father. When I was with SD, it was a simple matter of they were his kids, too, and it was his job to take care of them. With D, it's not like that. They're not his kids, so they're not his responsibility. If he wanted to take on that responsibility (which, I will grant, in some ways, he does), fine, but it still would feel odd to me. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it feels to me like being lazy. By allowing him to work and support me and my children, even if I am taking care of the house and all, would feel to me like I am being lazy.
The debate began, and I suppose I should mention that I use the word debate loosely, because a woman who is considerably older than I and the other mother that shared my opinion, told us we were crazy. She is 68 yrs old, and of the opinion that a man should take care of women and children, whether they are biologically his or not. Of course, the majority of her argument consists of telling us we are crazy. Another mother got into the debate by telling us we should "get over it". I just find it intriguing that these women have no issue with letting a man take care of them. As I said, I would love to be a stay at home mom, but for me, the way I was raised, I find it hard to embrace the idea of seemingly sitting back and just letting my boyfriend bust his butt to take care of us when we are not his responsibility. I don't know, maybe I do need to just get over it, but it's just how I feel.
And on that note, I'm off to bed.
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