School starts on Monday. My oldest, C, will be in 2nd grade this year. My baby, J, is starting Pre-K. Until today, I've been able to convince myself that it was only Pre-K, not "real" school. But today we went to school and met the teacher. And now it's all too real to me. My baby is starting school. He's not my baby anymore. This is not something that is easily realized. This is hard to accept, to deal with. It seems like only yesterday that I gave birth to him, and yet here he is starting school.
C is in 2nd grade, and though I had a rough day the day he started kindergarten, I am now comfortable with his first days. I make sure he knows where his classroom is, give him a hug and a kiss, and we all go on our merry ways. I'm afraid, though, that I will have a much tougher time come Monday with J. Even though I knew this day was coming, and have known for a very long time, it just seems to have snuck up on me. Here I am, rolling along with a soon-to-be 2nd grader, and my 4 yr old baby, and then BOOM! It's time for my baby to be in school.
There are too many things in my life that I want to change, and can't do anything about.
About Me
- W
- I'm a single mother. I'm also a chef, photographer, teacher, housekeeper, seamstress, driver, drill sargeant, and judge. I have 2 sons, we'll just call them C and J. I have an amazing boyfriend, we'll call him D.
August 15, 2008
July 30, 2008
The Passage of Time
I have 2 sons, as I've mentioned before. I also have a rather large extended family. I have a cousin who is soon to be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan in the Army. He's an...interesting young man. He's a father of one son, divorced, and for a long time, we thought he would be on a downward spiral to nowhere good. Several years of bad choices landed in him in a variety of jailed situations, and gave him a little list of felonies. The birth of his son apparently changed him, though, and after countless futile attempts to find a job, he did the only thing he could think of to do: he went to the judge, and pleaded to have his felonies converted to misdemeanors so he could join the Army, and therefore support his son. He's just completed basic training, and once he completes this other training he is in, he will be off to Iraq or Afghanistan. I can only hope he comes home safely, for the sake of his son, his parents, and the rest of my family.
Around the same time that I learned my cousin was doing this, I heard on the news the story of a little girl who's gone missing in a nearby town, and her mother did not report her missing for 5 weeks. Every time I've seen the mother on the news since then, she seems to show no concern, no fear, no sadness that her daughter is missing.
When I found out about my cousin, my thought was: Ok, he's doing this to support his son, and that's wonderful, but what happens to his son if something happens to him? Has he thought of that? Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging him. I just wonder, as a parent, has he thought of that possibility, or has he put it out of his mind because it's just too horrific a thought to consider?
When I heard about the little girl, my thought was: How the hell does your child go missing and you don't report that for 5 weeks?! If my sons were to go missing, it wouldn't take me 5 minutes, maybe not even 5 seconds, to report them missing. Her excuse is that she was using "other resources and conducting my own investigation." Huh? What other resources are there? What better resource is there, than the police, who have the equipment, the resources, the ability, and the manpower to mount a true search and find my missing child(ren)? They've found pictures where she's been out partying at clubs since her daughter went missing. What the hell kind of parent can go out clubbing while their daughter is missing, her whereabouts and safety unknown? With the fear that her daughter could be hurt, dead, or having who knows what done to her, lurking in the back of her mind, she can go out and dance, drink, and have a great time? I find that interesting.
My oldest son, C, made me a little felt and popsicle stick picture frame when he was in Kindergarten. He glued a Kindergarten picture of himself to it, and put glitter around the edge of the picture. The frame had gotten put up for a while, but my son found it the other day. He hung it on the doorknob of the linen closet of my bathroom. Last night, I saw the frame hanging there and I plucked it up and looked at the picture. What I saw made me cry.
My baby was 5 yrs old in the picture. Chubby little cheeks and chin peered out at me, framing a quicksilver innocent grin, the grin of a little boy whose life couldn't be better. His eyes were bright, eager, curious. The photographer was his friend, you would think. Wearing a blue T-shirt, his hair just a bit too long, brushing against his shirt collar, he looked like a baby.
Now, my baby is 7 yrs old. Time has carved away the chubby little cheeks and chin, bringing to the surface the bones that will give him the face of a man. His hands are already showing the veins and the strength of a man. His eyes are more guarded now, he's begun to realize that not everyone is his friend, and that some people can't be trusted. That loss of innocence has changed his smile, too. It's no longer so innocent, so fast to form. It's slower, a bit wary, as if he wants to be sure there's a reason to smile before he does so. It's a smaller smile, as though he doesn't want anyone to know he's happy. He's not as cynical as an adult, he does still laugh and smile, just not with that same bright innocence.
He's nearly as tall as I am already. Granted, I'm short, so it doesn't take much, but still. His height, and weight, prevent me from picking him up anymore. He will still crawl into my lap and cuddle with me, but more and more, he doesn't want to hold my hand, and he certainly doesn't want to be treated like a baby. He'll still come to me when he gets a boo-boo, and wants a kiss for it, but the kiss is becoming more and more of an afterthought than a necessity.
When I look at him, I see the baby he was, the child he is, and the man he will become, all rolled into one little body. And it's strange. I always wanted him to stay little forever. But, I always thought, as he got older, and began to look more and more grown up, that it would be easier to let go, to let him grow up. But it's not. In fact, I think that makes it even harder. Seeing him need me less and less makes me want to grab hold all the harder, and squeeze him even tighter.
My 4 yr old, J, he still looks like a baby. Still has the chubby cheeks, the little belly, and needs his Mommy's boo-boo kiss to make it all better. And yet I know, all too soon, he too will begin to look more and more like the man he's going to become than the baby he is. He starts Pre-K this year. The first steps toward that fateful day. I look forward to it, and yet at the same time, would be perfectly happy if time stood still all of a sudden for a few years.
My oldest will be in 2nd grade. He'll show the baby the ropes, help him find his classroom, all that good stuff. I asked him to do that. It was a bittersweet moment, to ask my firstborn baby to be a grown up and show the baby what to do.
These moments, these realizations, are what makes it so hard for me to understand a woman whose child goes missing, and she, from all appearances, does nothing about it for more than a month. Every day, my children are growing and changing, and I don't want to miss a moment of that. She's missed a month of her child growing, and if something has happened to that child (I hope nothing has), then she may never again get the chance to see her daughter grow or learn something new. How does she live with that knowledge?
My cousin, I can understand. I couldn't do it myself, but I can see what he is doing. He's doing what he can to ensure his child is taken care of, is healthy and happy and has what he needs. What excuse does this woman have? She let 5 weeks go by without telling anyone her daughter was missing. 5 weeks....her child could be anywhere; anything could have been done to her by now. Any clues they might have had could be gone by now. According to the news, she keeps asserting that the person who has her daughter loves the girl. All I can say is I hope she's right, and that if the person who has her does love her, then perhaps she's better off there. It would appear her own mother doesn't care.
Around the same time that I learned my cousin was doing this, I heard on the news the story of a little girl who's gone missing in a nearby town, and her mother did not report her missing for 5 weeks. Every time I've seen the mother on the news since then, she seems to show no concern, no fear, no sadness that her daughter is missing.
When I found out about my cousin, my thought was: Ok, he's doing this to support his son, and that's wonderful, but what happens to his son if something happens to him? Has he thought of that? Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging him. I just wonder, as a parent, has he thought of that possibility, or has he put it out of his mind because it's just too horrific a thought to consider?
When I heard about the little girl, my thought was: How the hell does your child go missing and you don't report that for 5 weeks?! If my sons were to go missing, it wouldn't take me 5 minutes, maybe not even 5 seconds, to report them missing. Her excuse is that she was using "other resources and conducting my own investigation." Huh? What other resources are there? What better resource is there, than the police, who have the equipment, the resources, the ability, and the manpower to mount a true search and find my missing child(ren)? They've found pictures where she's been out partying at clubs since her daughter went missing. What the hell kind of parent can go out clubbing while their daughter is missing, her whereabouts and safety unknown? With the fear that her daughter could be hurt, dead, or having who knows what done to her, lurking in the back of her mind, she can go out and dance, drink, and have a great time? I find that interesting.
My oldest son, C, made me a little felt and popsicle stick picture frame when he was in Kindergarten. He glued a Kindergarten picture of himself to it, and put glitter around the edge of the picture. The frame had gotten put up for a while, but my son found it the other day. He hung it on the doorknob of the linen closet of my bathroom. Last night, I saw the frame hanging there and I plucked it up and looked at the picture. What I saw made me cry.
My baby was 5 yrs old in the picture. Chubby little cheeks and chin peered out at me, framing a quicksilver innocent grin, the grin of a little boy whose life couldn't be better. His eyes were bright, eager, curious. The photographer was his friend, you would think. Wearing a blue T-shirt, his hair just a bit too long, brushing against his shirt collar, he looked like a baby.
Now, my baby is 7 yrs old. Time has carved away the chubby little cheeks and chin, bringing to the surface the bones that will give him the face of a man. His hands are already showing the veins and the strength of a man. His eyes are more guarded now, he's begun to realize that not everyone is his friend, and that some people can't be trusted. That loss of innocence has changed his smile, too. It's no longer so innocent, so fast to form. It's slower, a bit wary, as if he wants to be sure there's a reason to smile before he does so. It's a smaller smile, as though he doesn't want anyone to know he's happy. He's not as cynical as an adult, he does still laugh and smile, just not with that same bright innocence.
He's nearly as tall as I am already. Granted, I'm short, so it doesn't take much, but still. His height, and weight, prevent me from picking him up anymore. He will still crawl into my lap and cuddle with me, but more and more, he doesn't want to hold my hand, and he certainly doesn't want to be treated like a baby. He'll still come to me when he gets a boo-boo, and wants a kiss for it, but the kiss is becoming more and more of an afterthought than a necessity.
When I look at him, I see the baby he was, the child he is, and the man he will become, all rolled into one little body. And it's strange. I always wanted him to stay little forever. But, I always thought, as he got older, and began to look more and more grown up, that it would be easier to let go, to let him grow up. But it's not. In fact, I think that makes it even harder. Seeing him need me less and less makes me want to grab hold all the harder, and squeeze him even tighter.
My 4 yr old, J, he still looks like a baby. Still has the chubby cheeks, the little belly, and needs his Mommy's boo-boo kiss to make it all better. And yet I know, all too soon, he too will begin to look more and more like the man he's going to become than the baby he is. He starts Pre-K this year. The first steps toward that fateful day. I look forward to it, and yet at the same time, would be perfectly happy if time stood still all of a sudden for a few years.
My oldest will be in 2nd grade. He'll show the baby the ropes, help him find his classroom, all that good stuff. I asked him to do that. It was a bittersweet moment, to ask my firstborn baby to be a grown up and show the baby what to do.
These moments, these realizations, are what makes it so hard for me to understand a woman whose child goes missing, and she, from all appearances, does nothing about it for more than a month. Every day, my children are growing and changing, and I don't want to miss a moment of that. She's missed a month of her child growing, and if something has happened to that child (I hope nothing has), then she may never again get the chance to see her daughter grow or learn something new. How does she live with that knowledge?
My cousin, I can understand. I couldn't do it myself, but I can see what he is doing. He's doing what he can to ensure his child is taken care of, is healthy and happy and has what he needs. What excuse does this woman have? She let 5 weeks go by without telling anyone her daughter was missing. 5 weeks....her child could be anywhere; anything could have been done to her by now. Any clues they might have had could be gone by now. According to the news, she keeps asserting that the person who has her daughter loves the girl. All I can say is I hope she's right, and that if the person who has her does love her, then perhaps she's better off there. It would appear her own mother doesn't care.
May 29, 2008
Good news/Bad news
So, I have an assortment of good news/bad news scenarios going on right now.
Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. This is a combo of good and bad. The other good/bad aspect of tomorrow is: I have a Skills Verification Test for a new job. It's in the middle of the day. So I have to leave for a while to go do this. It's bad because of the timing. But it's good (and the good considerably outweighs the bad!!) because it's for a job I really want, and that could be a really incredible opportunity.
I got J into Pre-K at his brother's school. I was really worried it wouldn't happen, because you apply and then they draw names to see who gets in. But he got in! This is really awesome, because he so desperately wants to go to school with his big brother. I got the call this morning, and I can't wait to tell him tonight. He's going to be so excited. The bad side to it, is that I have to hurry up and get him into the doctor and make sure that all his shots and stuff are up to date, before the sign up date at the school. Which, with my current job situation, is an expense I really didn't want to have. But....gotta do it.
Back to the work situation...this last month or so has been kind of surreal. I've never before worked at a job with an end date in sight that I didn't set myself. I've given notice at a job. I've been laid off - but always with that day being the end. This time, they asked me (us) to stay on to help with the transition. It's very weird to continue doing your job when you know that what you're doing is pretty much a waste of time. And of course, it's much harder to bite your tongue and be nice when you've got nothing left to lose. Well, except a good recommendation - but even that is sometimes barely enough to keep you from saying the thoughts that come to mind when someone says something really stupid or really insulting.
Even with the surrealness to the situation, and even with the urgency that I feel to get another job, I somehow don't feel panicked. I don't feel as though my life is going to get really really bad after tomorrow. I feel like....like this is meant to be, and it's all going to work out. It's a good thing. As the old REO Speedwagon song says, it's time for me to fly. This job helped me spread my wings, learn new skills and master my temper and my patience, and now it's time to take what I've learned and apply it to a new, better job.
C is getting an award at school next week. They do an awards assembly at the end of the year. His behavior last year meant he didn't get one. He does this year, though, and I am so proud of him. In the less than 2 months since he started his medication, there has been a total turn around in him. His grades shot through the roof, his conduct grades went up to where they should be, and his attitude at home has gone to normal child attitude. He knows he's getting an award, and he's excited, but I know he doesn't realize the significance of this. To me, this shows me that I did the right thing by going against my own feelings of doubt and putting him on the medication. It shows me that he truly is the good kid I always knew he was, and that he just needed that little bit of help. And it shows me that the improvement I see is not just wishful thinking, but it truly exists. He's gone from being on the verge of suspension for his behavior, to getting an award. In less than 2 months. Miracles do happen.
How odd is this, with my unemployed status looming ever closer, gas prices through the roof, and not knowing how I'll pay my bills soon...but yet I couldn't be happier with my life, and wouldn't change it for anything.
I guess that's the good news and the bad news.
Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. This is a combo of good and bad. The other good/bad aspect of tomorrow is: I have a Skills Verification Test for a new job. It's in the middle of the day. So I have to leave for a while to go do this. It's bad because of the timing. But it's good (and the good considerably outweighs the bad!!) because it's for a job I really want, and that could be a really incredible opportunity.
I got J into Pre-K at his brother's school. I was really worried it wouldn't happen, because you apply and then they draw names to see who gets in. But he got in! This is really awesome, because he so desperately wants to go to school with his big brother. I got the call this morning, and I can't wait to tell him tonight. He's going to be so excited. The bad side to it, is that I have to hurry up and get him into the doctor and make sure that all his shots and stuff are up to date, before the sign up date at the school. Which, with my current job situation, is an expense I really didn't want to have. But....gotta do it.
Back to the work situation...this last month or so has been kind of surreal. I've never before worked at a job with an end date in sight that I didn't set myself. I've given notice at a job. I've been laid off - but always with that day being the end. This time, they asked me (us) to stay on to help with the transition. It's very weird to continue doing your job when you know that what you're doing is pretty much a waste of time. And of course, it's much harder to bite your tongue and be nice when you've got nothing left to lose. Well, except a good recommendation - but even that is sometimes barely enough to keep you from saying the thoughts that come to mind when someone says something really stupid or really insulting.
Even with the surrealness to the situation, and even with the urgency that I feel to get another job, I somehow don't feel panicked. I don't feel as though my life is going to get really really bad after tomorrow. I feel like....like this is meant to be, and it's all going to work out. It's a good thing. As the old REO Speedwagon song says, it's time for me to fly. This job helped me spread my wings, learn new skills and master my temper and my patience, and now it's time to take what I've learned and apply it to a new, better job.
C is getting an award at school next week. They do an awards assembly at the end of the year. His behavior last year meant he didn't get one. He does this year, though, and I am so proud of him. In the less than 2 months since he started his medication, there has been a total turn around in him. His grades shot through the roof, his conduct grades went up to where they should be, and his attitude at home has gone to normal child attitude. He knows he's getting an award, and he's excited, but I know he doesn't realize the significance of this. To me, this shows me that I did the right thing by going against my own feelings of doubt and putting him on the medication. It shows me that he truly is the good kid I always knew he was, and that he just needed that little bit of help. And it shows me that the improvement I see is not just wishful thinking, but it truly exists. He's gone from being on the verge of suspension for his behavior, to getting an award. In less than 2 months. Miracles do happen.
How odd is this, with my unemployed status looming ever closer, gas prices through the roof, and not knowing how I'll pay my bills soon...but yet I couldn't be happier with my life, and wouldn't change it for anything.
I guess that's the good news and the bad news.
May 14, 2008
Oh, what fun....
I really try to stay a positive person. I try to be optomistic and look at challenges as chances to grow and to learn.
Here's my situation right now: I'm out of a job as of May 30th, I have 2 sons in glasses, and the youngest has to go back in about a month to ensure he's got the right prescription, my oldest has ADHD which costs me $116/mo in meds, and $125 every two months in dr. visits, and it looks like my youngest will be following in his hyperactive, unfocused older brother's footsteps. No insurance. I have a $900/mo mortgage that my family has to pay b/c I can't, and miscellaneous other bills that my current paycheck minimally manages to cover with the assistance of my very meager savings account.
Can you see where I'm having some trouble staying positive right now? I mean, let's not forget, gas prices no longer creep up, they are pogo-sticking their way higher and higher every single day, and food prices are not far behind.
I try to keep my kids from knowing how bad the money situation is. I don't feel they need to know, or worry about that. But, when gas prices go to $3.77 a gallon, it gets harder and harder to tell them no on other things without having to explain what's happening.
Fortunately for us, we have lots of home entertainment. A satellite dish with 200 channels, tons of DVD movies, a pool, a swingset, and grandparents right down the road. Now, before you say I'd have less money trouble if I got rid of all that stuff, let me clarify that first, the money came out of my tax refund for the pool and swingset, I've had to DVDs for years, and the satellite is #1 a contract I can't get out of and #2 a necessity with 2 kids, no gas money, and living in a state known for horrendous summer weather. Although we are in a drought right now...we really need some rain. Do a rain dance for us, will you?
Being serious, our situation isn't desperate yet, but it could quickly get there. And I know we're not the only ones feeling this way. We have to do something. We have to figure out a way to bring gas prices back down, to bring jobs back to America, to increase pay, all kinds of things. It's just sad that we feel so powerless.
Ok, time to lighten the mood. I was driving home from the grocery store with the kids the other night. And so I don't have to keep saying "oldest" "youngest" all the time, let's call my oldest C and my youngest J. So, we're listening to the radio, one of those dedication shows. This girl called in and had the same name as me. C's like, "Mom, that's your name!" I said, "Yeah, it is." Then the girl says she's 17, and C goes, "Oh, that's not you, Mom. You're not 17." So, I tease him. I say, "Are you saying I'm old?" (I'm 29.) He gave me this look, the one that males give you when they don't know what to say because they think any answer they give will get them in trouble. So, J pipes up and says, "No, Mommy, you're new!". I absolutely cracked up. C quickly changed the subject. I have to teach him the fine art of telling a woman what she wants to hear...or maybe I'll let his brother teach him.
So C gets done with school in just a few weeks. I'm so proud of him. The improvement in his attitude, grades, everything, since he started his meds is just amazing. And he's so much happier now. I've found out that the manufacturer of his meds provides assistance if you can't afford your meds, so I'm in the process of applying for that. That will take a huge weight off of me. At least until J needs meds. I'm still hoping to avoid that, though. Just not sure how.
Oh, well. Off to work now.
Here's my situation right now: I'm out of a job as of May 30th, I have 2 sons in glasses, and the youngest has to go back in about a month to ensure he's got the right prescription, my oldest has ADHD which costs me $116/mo in meds, and $125 every two months in dr. visits, and it looks like my youngest will be following in his hyperactive, unfocused older brother's footsteps. No insurance. I have a $900/mo mortgage that my family has to pay b/c I can't, and miscellaneous other bills that my current paycheck minimally manages to cover with the assistance of my very meager savings account.
Can you see where I'm having some trouble staying positive right now? I mean, let's not forget, gas prices no longer creep up, they are pogo-sticking their way higher and higher every single day, and food prices are not far behind.
I try to keep my kids from knowing how bad the money situation is. I don't feel they need to know, or worry about that. But, when gas prices go to $3.77 a gallon, it gets harder and harder to tell them no on other things without having to explain what's happening.
Fortunately for us, we have lots of home entertainment. A satellite dish with 200 channels, tons of DVD movies, a pool, a swingset, and grandparents right down the road. Now, before you say I'd have less money trouble if I got rid of all that stuff, let me clarify that first, the money came out of my tax refund for the pool and swingset, I've had to DVDs for years, and the satellite is #1 a contract I can't get out of and #2 a necessity with 2 kids, no gas money, and living in a state known for horrendous summer weather. Although we are in a drought right now...we really need some rain. Do a rain dance for us, will you?
Being serious, our situation isn't desperate yet, but it could quickly get there. And I know we're not the only ones feeling this way. We have to do something. We have to figure out a way to bring gas prices back down, to bring jobs back to America, to increase pay, all kinds of things. It's just sad that we feel so powerless.
Ok, time to lighten the mood. I was driving home from the grocery store with the kids the other night. And so I don't have to keep saying "oldest" "youngest" all the time, let's call my oldest C and my youngest J. So, we're listening to the radio, one of those dedication shows. This girl called in and had the same name as me. C's like, "Mom, that's your name!" I said, "Yeah, it is." Then the girl says she's 17, and C goes, "Oh, that's not you, Mom. You're not 17." So, I tease him. I say, "Are you saying I'm old?" (I'm 29.) He gave me this look, the one that males give you when they don't know what to say because they think any answer they give will get them in trouble. So, J pipes up and says, "No, Mommy, you're new!". I absolutely cracked up. C quickly changed the subject. I have to teach him the fine art of telling a woman what she wants to hear...or maybe I'll let his brother teach him.
So C gets done with school in just a few weeks. I'm so proud of him. The improvement in his attitude, grades, everything, since he started his meds is just amazing. And he's so much happier now. I've found out that the manufacturer of his meds provides assistance if you can't afford your meds, so I'm in the process of applying for that. That will take a huge weight off of me. At least until J needs meds. I'm still hoping to avoid that, though. Just not sure how.
Oh, well. Off to work now.
May 9, 2008
Can you say unemployment?
Last week, at about this time, my co-workers and I got called into a "short" meeting that sent us all into a tailspin, and everyone went home early. We were informed that our particular branch of the company we work for is being closed at the end of May.
So, I've spent the last week alternately ignoring my situation and frenziedly sending my resume to any phone number that seems to even remotely resemble a business' fax number. Ok, not exactly like that, but I've definitely been responding to lots and lots of job ads.
They are giving us a nice "completion package", which is corporate speak for "we're laying you off, but we want you to stay and be nice until we're ready to really do this, so here's what we'll give you to smile and pretend you don't want to murder us in our sleep."
I'm not too panicked, yet. With the job market the way it is, and the economy the way it is, panic is not too far off, though. It's hiding behind the bedroom door, actually, breathing heavily in the night. I usually jump into bed, because you know, monsters behind the door can't get you in bed.
I have to make jokes, even if they're bad ones. If I let myself think about this in any serious way, I might cry. Seriously. This was a really big shock, and as a single mother with two kids, and an ex-husband who doesn't pay child support, it's a major reason to freak out. Oh, and did I mention that my mother also got laid off that day? Hers was effective immediately; at least I have until the 30th.
I'm looking into working at home. Gas prices are making it harder to even go to work. How sad is that? It used to be people wanted to work at home b/c they wanted to wear pj's all day, or be home with their kids. Now, they do it b/c they can't afford to go out and drive to work.
Ok, enough with all the whiny, poor me crap.
My son is doing awesome on his meds. He had his follow-up appt on Wednesday, to see how the meds are working. It's amazing. He's even stopped grinding his teeth at night. He brought home his interim report on Tuesday, and he had all S and E grades. I'm so proud of him, I can't even stand it. And he's so funny now. He tells me all the trouble other kids are getting into and saying "don't they know they can get in trouble for that?"
It's great to see him so much happier, though. And that's what's really important. He was...not miserable, but he wasn't a happy boy for a long time.
*Sigh*
Back to work.
I'll keep you posted.
So, I've spent the last week alternately ignoring my situation and frenziedly sending my resume to any phone number that seems to even remotely resemble a business' fax number. Ok, not exactly like that, but I've definitely been responding to lots and lots of job ads.
They are giving us a nice "completion package", which is corporate speak for "we're laying you off, but we want you to stay and be nice until we're ready to really do this, so here's what we'll give you to smile and pretend you don't want to murder us in our sleep."
I'm not too panicked, yet. With the job market the way it is, and the economy the way it is, panic is not too far off, though. It's hiding behind the bedroom door, actually, breathing heavily in the night. I usually jump into bed, because you know, monsters behind the door can't get you in bed.
I have to make jokes, even if they're bad ones. If I let myself think about this in any serious way, I might cry. Seriously. This was a really big shock, and as a single mother with two kids, and an ex-husband who doesn't pay child support, it's a major reason to freak out. Oh, and did I mention that my mother also got laid off that day? Hers was effective immediately; at least I have until the 30th.
I'm looking into working at home. Gas prices are making it harder to even go to work. How sad is that? It used to be people wanted to work at home b/c they wanted to wear pj's all day, or be home with their kids. Now, they do it b/c they can't afford to go out and drive to work.
Ok, enough with all the whiny, poor me crap.
My son is doing awesome on his meds. He had his follow-up appt on Wednesday, to see how the meds are working. It's amazing. He's even stopped grinding his teeth at night. He brought home his interim report on Tuesday, and he had all S and E grades. I'm so proud of him, I can't even stand it. And he's so funny now. He tells me all the trouble other kids are getting into and saying "don't they know they can get in trouble for that?"
It's great to see him so much happier, though. And that's what's really important. He was...not miserable, but he wasn't a happy boy for a long time.
*Sigh*
Back to work.
I'll keep you posted.
April 13, 2008
It has been many moons since my last post...
Sorry, I just watched an old western type movie with indians and cowboys and stuff....the title was a bad attempt at humor. :)
So, in seriousness, it has been quite a while since I posted. Things have been stressed around my house for a while.
My oldest son was getting into lots of trouble at school, and at home, too. For a while, I was living in denial. And I don't mean the river in Eygpt, although I would like to visit that one. But, anyway, I kept telling myself he just needed....well, anything but what he really needed. I tried changing his diet, to eliminate preservatives and artificial colorings, flavors, etc. Which I needed to do anyway, just because it's healthier. That helped, but not a lot.
So, in the end, I had to suck it up, gather my courage, and let the dreaded question pass my lips: Does he have ADD? And to my horror, disappointment, fear, but not surprise, yes, he does. Massively.
My whole reason for dreading this diagnosis is that they generally medicate. I've always felt that medicating a child to get them to behave the way you want them to just isn't right. Don't misunderstand me....ADD/ADHD does exist, and there is nothing wrong with parents who medicate for that purpose. I just lived in that wonderful non-reality where I didn't believe my son needed medication to behave. I believed that I just needed to discipline more, praise more, something.
I was wrong.
My son's doctor put him on Focalin XR, and I'm in the midst of preparing to climb Mt. Everest and sing the praises of medication. OK, not really, but close. My son has totally turned around in the 4 days he's been on his medication. He listens, he remembers, he focuses, and he doesn't argue nearly as much as before. He does things without prompting, and doesn't fight doing chores any more than any normal 7 year old. Still fights with his brother, but hey...they're brothers. Can't fight nature.
The relief I feel over this situation is amazing. Or maybe that's just vacation.
I've been on vacation this last week, while school was on Spring Break. I had a whole week off with my boys. We spent every day outside, pretty much all day. It was beautiful. Here's one picture from the week (it might make you cry...get a tissue):
OK, I gave ya two. We went fishing, too. That's the lake. Beautiful, isn't it? Too bad the fish weren't biting. They apparently went into the witness protection program to hide from the cold front that has moved into our area. It's freakin' cold today! Well, not cold, I guess, but compared to this week when we've been getting sunburned and baked and roasted and fried outside, it's cold!
Still, all in all, vacation has been awesome. The tension and stress from my job has gone away, and I feel ready to face it again. We'll see if that feeling sticks when I get up and go in tomorrow. But, my sons and I have used this opportunity to reconnect and get close again. Work, school, and daily stress make it hard to feel close on a day to day basis sometimes, when it seems to them (and to me) that all we do is work, homework, cook, bathe, eat and sleep, with no time for pleasure, fun and just being together. This week has been awesome. We've had lots of time to talk, to play, to relax and enjoy each other's company.
We even went swimming yesterday. The water was really cold, which is why we usually don't swim until around Memorial Day. But once you got in, it wasn't bad. Or maybe that was hypothermia setting in. I'm not sure. If my lips go back to their normal color by tomorrow, we'll say it wasn't bad. If I never post another blog, well....then you'll know not to go swimming in April. :)
Meanwhile, it's a cloudy day today, with a chilly temperature outside, but nice and cozy inside. The kids are watching a dinosaur cartoon on TV, and I'm getting ready to put some stuffed shells in the oven for dinner. My mom made them for us. :) She's awesome. She made sure I don't have to cook on my last day of vacation. And she even made me some pasta salad for dinner tomorrow night, so all I have to do is figure out a meat to go with it. She made my first day back to work a bit more bearable, too.
I love my mom.
I love my kids.
I love my vacation...wish it was longer.
I love my life.
I love my job....well, let's not get to carried away here with the lovey-dovey crap, shall we?
So, in seriousness, it has been quite a while since I posted. Things have been stressed around my house for a while.
My oldest son was getting into lots of trouble at school, and at home, too. For a while, I was living in denial. And I don't mean the river in Eygpt, although I would like to visit that one. But, anyway, I kept telling myself he just needed....well, anything but what he really needed. I tried changing his diet, to eliminate preservatives and artificial colorings, flavors, etc. Which I needed to do anyway, just because it's healthier. That helped, but not a lot.
So, in the end, I had to suck it up, gather my courage, and let the dreaded question pass my lips: Does he have ADD? And to my horror, disappointment, fear, but not surprise, yes, he does. Massively.
My whole reason for dreading this diagnosis is that they generally medicate. I've always felt that medicating a child to get them to behave the way you want them to just isn't right. Don't misunderstand me....ADD/ADHD does exist, and there is nothing wrong with parents who medicate for that purpose. I just lived in that wonderful non-reality where I didn't believe my son needed medication to behave. I believed that I just needed to discipline more, praise more, something.
I was wrong.
My son's doctor put him on Focalin XR, and I'm in the midst of preparing to climb Mt. Everest and sing the praises of medication. OK, not really, but close. My son has totally turned around in the 4 days he's been on his medication. He listens, he remembers, he focuses, and he doesn't argue nearly as much as before. He does things without prompting, and doesn't fight doing chores any more than any normal 7 year old. Still fights with his brother, but hey...they're brothers. Can't fight nature.
The relief I feel over this situation is amazing. Or maybe that's just vacation.
I've been on vacation this last week, while school was on Spring Break. I had a whole week off with my boys. We spent every day outside, pretty much all day. It was beautiful. Here's one picture from the week (it might make you cry...get a tissue):
OK, I gave ya two. We went fishing, too. That's the lake. Beautiful, isn't it? Too bad the fish weren't biting. They apparently went into the witness protection program to hide from the cold front that has moved into our area. It's freakin' cold today! Well, not cold, I guess, but compared to this week when we've been getting sunburned and baked and roasted and fried outside, it's cold!
Still, all in all, vacation has been awesome. The tension and stress from my job has gone away, and I feel ready to face it again. We'll see if that feeling sticks when I get up and go in tomorrow. But, my sons and I have used this opportunity to reconnect and get close again. Work, school, and daily stress make it hard to feel close on a day to day basis sometimes, when it seems to them (and to me) that all we do is work, homework, cook, bathe, eat and sleep, with no time for pleasure, fun and just being together. This week has been awesome. We've had lots of time to talk, to play, to relax and enjoy each other's company.
We even went swimming yesterday. The water was really cold, which is why we usually don't swim until around Memorial Day. But once you got in, it wasn't bad. Or maybe that was hypothermia setting in. I'm not sure. If my lips go back to their normal color by tomorrow, we'll say it wasn't bad. If I never post another blog, well....then you'll know not to go swimming in April. :)
Meanwhile, it's a cloudy day today, with a chilly temperature outside, but nice and cozy inside. The kids are watching a dinosaur cartoon on TV, and I'm getting ready to put some stuffed shells in the oven for dinner. My mom made them for us. :) She's awesome. She made sure I don't have to cook on my last day of vacation. And she even made me some pasta salad for dinner tomorrow night, so all I have to do is figure out a meat to go with it. She made my first day back to work a bit more bearable, too.
I love my mom.
I love my kids.
I love my vacation...wish it was longer.
I love my life.
I love my job....well, let's not get to carried away here with the lovey-dovey crap, shall we?
February 4, 2008
Learning to Fly
I've begun spreading my wings, and opening my mind further than before. I've always been a pretty open-minded person, willing to be friends with anyone, try just about anything, and learn anything anyone was willing to teach me. But, I've done two things in the last three days that I used to swear I'd never do. We'll start with the easy one first.
I ate venison tonight. It was good. I was quite surprised. I know people eat it all the time, but the idea of eating deer, that someone shot and prepped themselves, that didn't come from a store, always just kind of grossed me out. But, this particular venison came from a close friend of the family, someone whom I trust with my life and that of my children, and so when my mother made it, and asked me if we would try it to (she swore it was very good), I did. I did not tell my kids what it was though. They loved it, but I have a feeling if I tell them what it is, they will be like I was and not want it. It's funny...I live in the redneck capital of the state, and I've only just tried venison at the age of 29.
Now, on to the bigger thing. I've had to eat my own words. I used to be the type of female who said there would never, ever be a snake, lizard, or any other reptile in my home, no matter what. Meet the new members of our family, Kaitlyn and Evan:
I ate venison tonight. It was good. I was quite surprised. I know people eat it all the time, but the idea of eating deer, that someone shot and prepped themselves, that didn't come from a store, always just kind of grossed me out. But, this particular venison came from a close friend of the family, someone whom I trust with my life and that of my children, and so when my mother made it, and asked me if we would try it to (she swore it was very good), I did. I did not tell my kids what it was though. They loved it, but I have a feeling if I tell them what it is, they will be like I was and not want it. It's funny...I live in the redneck capital of the state, and I've only just tried venison at the age of 29.
Now, on to the bigger thing. I've had to eat my own words. I used to be the type of female who said there would never, ever be a snake, lizard, or any other reptile in my home, no matter what. Meet the new members of our family, Kaitlyn and Evan:
Yep, lizards. Baby Dragons, to be precise. We went to the Medieval Faire in a nearby town, and my boys saw these almost as soon as we came through the gate. Throughout the rest of the fair, all I heard was, "Are we gonna go back and get the lizards now?" and "But, I want a lizard, Mom!". Grandma and Grandpa were the ones who took us, and they wanted to buy them for the boys. And, I have to admit, as pets go, these are not bad. Cheap and easy to feed, you give them a nickel sized slice of banana or a capful of banana or peach baby food, and they're set for about three weeks. No clean-up - spray the tank with water twice a day and it evaporates all their little...potty. Although, we have a Betta Fish, and he is not real thrilled with his new neighbors. He was fine all day yesterday, but when I came home tonight, he was over in his tank right next to theirs, all blown up and agitated. I had to put a piece of paper between their tanks so that he would calm down. But, seriously, the lizards are pretty cool. You can hold them, and the clincher on the deal was the fact that they will mate. She will lay an egg that will hatch over a six hour period after a 45 day incubation. Great science and life lesson for the boys. I'm happy about that, and they just can't wait. They were told that they would know she was ready to lay an egg because her tummy would be fat, so they ask me about 20 times a day if her tummy is fat yet.
I still maintain there will NEVER be a snake in my house.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)