The Past Rears Its Head...

I was playing around on the internet the other night, just bored and looking for something to do. I started thinking of the names of guys I used to date and people I used to be friends with. Just for the sheer fun of it, I started looking up their names on the internet, just to see what might pop up. I found some of them, and my....what a shock.

They are nothing like I would have imagined. You know how, when you're dating someone, you kind of picture yourself in the future with them? You know, trying to see what it might be like? These guys were nothing like what I figured. I mean, we're talking balding, beer-belly types, or worse, no different, AT ALL, than high school. Still toking, still acting like they're 16 or 17 years old.

It's funny the things that will change how you look at the world, or at your past. I wasn't wearing rose-colored glasses, per se, but I did have this somewhat...soft view of the "old days". I'm a mother of two now, and so of course, on those long, hard days when nothing more than sheer determination and will power gets me through, I think back on the days before I had kids. How easy it was, how "nice" it was. This has changed that, though. The guy who's no different, it's made me look back on those memories and see that I knew, even then, that this was how he would turn out. Which is really a shame, because he was really a nice guy, very intelligent, with a lot of potential to do great things. The one who's balding with a beer belly, I've realized that I never really knew him at all, even though I thought I did at the time, and until now, would have continued to think so. Dated him for several years, in truth, and he as actually "the first". And although I still will say that I did honestly love him, I can see now that what I loved was what little I did know of him. Not that he's a bad guy. I don't think he is. Based on what I read about him, he's probably still a nice guy. It's just that I now realize that I only knew little bits and pieces of him, the ones he wanted me to know. He held back from me, which considering we were young teenagers, makes me really wonder. What on earth does a young teenage boy have to hold back from his girlfriend?

However, all this sifting through the past has done something else for me. For quite some time now I have wanted to lose the weight that I gained when having my children. I've just never found the strength, the will, the energy, the whatever to do it. But in looking back at the past, I also saw myself. And I'm not much different than I was back then. A few pounds heavier, two more children, and an ex-husband, but still much the same. Smart-mouthed, bitchy, opinionated, confident, and wanting to find a decent man.

Finding a decent man won't happen though, as long as I feel bad about my weight. But it's not just about finding a nice guy. It's about feeling better about myself, about looking better and being healthier, and setting a good example for my kids. Therefore, I have gotten serious about it now. I am eating healthier, and less, and drinking water. I now spend my time running back and forth to the bathroom. I've come to the conclusion that the only way water helps you lose weight is all the calories you burn on the bathroom runs you make every five minutes. And this week, I'm going to start working out. I'm determined now. I will not give up, I will not give in. I will lose 30 pounds by the beginning of May, and will set a new goal to lose another twenty or thirty after that.

I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to be able to play with them. They are my motivation. Sometimes, pure determination is the only thing that gets me through my day. I hate my job, I hate my financial situation, and there is no reward at the end of the day. Pure determination and grit, the simple thought that "I will get through this day" is all that gets me through, and now I will use that determination, that grit, that thought, to get me through this. I will do this. I will not stop.

Inspiration...and the lack thereof

As you may or may not have figured out by now, I enjoy writing. I write stories, short stories, and poetry. I've generally been much more prolific with my poetry. Lately, though, I just can't come up with anything. I'm surrounded by the beauty of nature, the beauty of my children, my family, my home, friends and just the general beauty of life. And yet...nothing.

I sit down with pen and paper, and if I'm lucky, a line or two will dribble forth as water from a nearly but not quite frozen pipe. I'll feel the poem building like storm clouds in a Florida summer sky, but like those same clouds in recent times, nothing seems to fall from that building sensation. I end up sitting there, feeling abandoned by my ability and hating the feeling.

I used to be able to sit down and bang out a rather decent poem in 20-30 minutes, one that often made family and friends have a tear or two in their eyes, and even on occasion, had some asking to use said poem in a wedding ceremony, for an anniversary, or what have you. This complete lack of inspiration has me stymied.

It's just beyond me that after years of writing poetry about so many things, about love, and life, and abuse, and children, and everything else, that I just can't do it anymore. And I think maybe that's what bothers me the most...that this lack may not be just a temporary block, but a permanent end to my writing days. And that doesn't just bother me...it scares me.

I have other hobbies and talents, yes. But this is the one that has always been there, that I've always turned to, that I've been able to do anytime, anywhere. It's the one that has always helped me work my feelings out, sort myself out, express myself and show people what I'm feeling at any given time. And now, what do I do?

I think I've found an answer. One of my other big hobbies is photography. I'm actually kind of the family photographer. I use my digital camera to do my family's photo every year, and my son's school photos. I seem to have a knack for catching people in natural poses and coming out with an awesome photo. I enjoy taking pictures of nature, too, and just any little thing that grabs my curiousity at a given time. So...I think I shall start carrying my camera with me everywhere, and see what develops. Sorry...bad joke. Seriously, though, I've given this quite a bit of thought recently, and I'm thinking this may be a sign telling me to embrace this hobby a bit more fully than I have in the past. I've generally just used it to capture my children, to make concrete memories that will never fade. I've only sometimes used it to capture nature, and other things. I feel that maybe this is a knock on the door from opportunity, telling me to use this lack of inspiration to create other art. I've always been a creative person, and desperately need that creative outlet. Photography may be the way to keep that outlet open.

On a different note, have you ever suddenly seen someone you thought you knew pretty well in a completely different way, and it made you feel...I don't know, just very differently about them? I recently had that experience. Someone I'd known for a while now, nice guy. Someone I'd always thought was a pretty decent kind of guy. He was former military, which almost always means good guy. He was the kind of guy you can see yourself dating, but you hold off on because you don't want to lose the friendship. He knows of my woes with my ex-husband, and has often told me what he thinks of my ex. He often expounds on his theories of men who don't care for their children, take responsibility for their families, etc. He has a child himself, has shown me the pics. Cute little girl, too.

So he tells me he's finally gotten around to creating a MySpace page. He wants me to check it out and give him some feedback. So, I go, I check out, and not bad. then I get to the bottom where you do a little fill-in-the-blank on your basic stats. Under children, he puts "Someday". Huh? He's got this little girl, she's, I don't know, 3 or 4, around my son's age, and he doesn't acknowledge her in his MySpace profile? The same guy who tells me what an ass my ex-husband is for not taking care of my kids(which he is, but...) is now not acknowledging his child? I, with my big mouth and my inability to shut it sometimes, ask him what's up here. He says he doesn't want to chase women away. Hmmm...yes, I run screaming into the night when I find a nice guy who takes care of his responsibilities and is proud of that. I always avoid the men who take care of their kids, because God knows no one wants a man who's being decent.

This has been an enlightening experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. But I try really damn hard not to be a hypocrite, and finding out that my friend is one is...difficult. It has me wondering if I can continue this friendship. It's not exactly a betrayal to me, but it is...something. It's a side of him that I never thought I'd see, and definitely not one I wanted to see. I just feel that it's not something that I can just overlook. And the saddest part is that it has me wondering just how many of my other friends are just as hypocritical, lying about who and what they are to others, just to make a different impression. Notice I said different, not better.

I'm just completely disgusted with the world tonight.

Memories...and confidence

Have you ever noticed how odd some memories can be? Well, not the memories themselves, exactly, but the fact that you remember them. I mean, I can remember this one guy, we only had like 5 or 6 dates, but I remember him more clearly than the guy I dated for 5 yrs just before and throughout high school. The 5 or 6 date guy was named Bryan. Bryan took me to see George Carlin live at the O'Connell Center in Gainesville, FL for our first date with a couple of his buddies. He kissed me in my car right after that show. On a later date, he took me to Outback for dinner and proceeded to tip our waiter $16 because he was so focused on me and getting me alone. Yet I can't for the life of me remember exactly how I met the guy I dated for 5 yrs.

I suddenly thought of an old friend from high school the other day. His name was Dylan. I don't even know why I thought of him, his name just suddenly popped into my head one day, and I started wondering how he is doing these days. I've thought about looking him up, but...I don't know. We always had this kind of rocky friendship/half-relationship kind of thing going on, and I don't know that I'd want to rekindle something that unstable at this point in my life. It's been 11 or 12 yrs since I saw him, I know he's changed, but I've found through experience that relationships like that tend to keep the same characteristics no matter how many years pass. Maybe I will look him up, just for the hell of it. Maybe he has a MySpace page or something where I can see what he looks like these days. I recall him being pretty hot, but that's the other funny thing about memories...they tend to dull the sharp edges and make things seem better than they really were. I had another old...friend, and I happened to come across a recent picture of him the other day....the only thing I could think was, what the hell was I thinking? I was in love with that guy, and it's become real clear now that it WASN'T based on his looks. In total honesty, I do remember why I was in love with him, and they were reasons that I am sure still reside behind the oddly unattractive-to-me-now facade, but it was just very weird to have that awakening to him. It was as though all those years of friendship and...other stuff, I was moving around with my eyes closed and never saw him, only heard his voice and felt his touch. Now I've seen him, and it's kind of a shock. I don't know...like I said, weird.

On other things, have you ever looked at where your confidence comes from? I started thinking about this the other day. I'm not sure why (I have a very boring job that allows lots of time to think of the oddest things). I remember, before I had my sons, before I got married, before all this crap that became my life happened, I used to date. A lot. Had tons of boyfriends, a date pretty much every Friday and Saturday night, and occasionally during the week too. My confidence was through the roof. I knew that pretty much all I had to do was crook my little red or pink nail painted finger and I'd have 1 or even 2 guys tripping over themselves to get the door for me. And no, I'm not being overly cocky. That really was my situation.

Now I have 2 kids, I'm overweight and out of shape from having them (but I am working on that), and I don't date. No time. Yet, my confidence level is even higher than before. It no longer comes from my ability to get a man, which I now realize was a pretty shallow and stupid reason to feel such confidence. My confidence these days comes from who I am. I am a single mother. I support my children with no help whatsoever from their father. I am sole financial, physical, and emotional support for my children. My children eat a healthy meal each and every night, because of me. They take a bath and get clean, and go to bed on time, because of me. My confidence now stems from the knowledge that I am taking care of my kids, without anyone's help, and that I'm doing a damn good job of it. My ex-husband once told me when I told him I wanted a divorce that I could never make it without him. I laughed in his face when he said that, but deep down, I wasn't so sure. Although I'd been ready to raise my son by myself if his father hadn't stuck around, now I was a stay at home mom. Could I really take care of him, and the child I was currently carrying, alone? Could I make it without him?

I took that chance anyway, and hoped for the best. And now, everytime I take him to court to be held in contempt for his failure (read that:refusal) to pay child support, I look him in the eye with my chin held high, knowing that I have proven his attempted prophecy wrong. I am making it without him, quite literally. I am taking care of my family, entirely on my own. And yes, it is stressful. It's hard, and it's exhausting, and there are times I feel ready to throw in the towel and cry defeat. But, I don't. I push through and I keep going, because there's nothing else to do BUT keep going. And that is where my confidence comes from now. And that confidence is what helps me push through the day when I'm having a bad day at work, and hating my job, wishing I could quit. It what keeps me from giving up when I can't get my son to understand his homework from the way I explain it to him, and gets me to explain it to him just one more time, in a slightly different way, until it clicks.

Where does your confidence come from?

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today's my birthday!! I am....29. Wow. That's a big number, isn't it? I still remember 21...hell, 18...and I feel 16 most days. Still, I don't really feel...older. It's just kinda...ok, I'm 29 now. But then there are moments when it will hit me....kind of a holy sh*t, I'm 29!

How is it, though, that turning a year older myself doesn't make me feel older, but my child turning 7 next month does? Isn't it strange how other people can affect us more than we ourselves do? My turning 29 almost just feels like just another day, but when I think of planning my son's birthday party next month, I sit back and feel like years and years have passed. Which, I guess, 7 years is quite a few...and yet, in some ways, not so much. It's odd, the way time seems fluid and passes slowly or quickly based solely on our perceptions of specific conditions and circumstances. It reminds me very much of how slowly time passed during the most hated classes in school and yet flew by during lunch, but in a larger sense. No longer the passage of minutes or hours, but huge chunks of time, weeks, months, years that pass by and you look back and wonder where it all went.

It's 2008 now. And it is funny, because I remember how panicked everyone was over the year 2000, all the horrible things that were supposed to befall us, and yet here we are, all still healthy and happy, and using the items that were supposed to destroy us with the simple stroke of midnight. That was the year that I met my former husband...hmmm, it would seem that was the year that almost destroyed me, I guess. I met him, I got pregnant, and my life changed forever. Not for better or for worse, but for better AND for worse. The better being my 2 awesome children who've made my life more meaningful, more important, more worthwhile. The worse being the hell I went through in order to have them. But, would I go through the worse all over again? As long as the outcome was the same, and I got my two babies, ABSOLUTELY. No doubt. Life can be hell, but the rewards for making it through are incredible.

So...I sit here tonight, divorced, single mom to 2, and 29 years old. One year shy of 30. An age that once upon a time seemed absolutely ancient to me, that seemed a lifetime away, and now it's upon me. And it definitely does not feel as old as it once seemed to be.

It was a wonderful birthday. My mother cooked dinner for me, had a cake for me. My wonderful babies sang "Happy Birthday" to me first thing, and then they all sang to me later. My grandmother called, which was wonderful. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and it was so good to hear her voice, to tell her that I love her. My boys picked some beautiful flowers, camelias, for me, from Grandma's flowerbushes. Had to stop them before they picked them all, but still...a very sweet wonderful gift.

Since I last posted, my oldest son finally got the training wheels off his bike (they were stuck on, and we had to wait for Grandpa to get the tools and time to come take them off), and has learned to ride on his own! He's ridden (while I walked behind) to his grandparents house twice now. He loves it! And I'm so proud of him!! My youngest is still riding a tricycle, although next year, I may bump him to a two wheeler with training wheels. They both love riding their bikes though, or just being outside period. They are so active, so energetic. At times, it's frustrating, like at bedtime or dinner time or just when I want to sit down and relax for a couple of minutes, but at the same time, it's a wonderful thing to see, because I know they will never be overweight, they will never lack for things to do. They both have such vivid imaginations, too, which is another thing sthat I am so grateful for. I'm a big believer in imagination, that if you have imagination, it can take you anywhere, you can do anything, be anything, achieve anything.

Enough reflecting for this year. I'm off to take this 29 year old soul to bed.

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, dear me!
Happy birthday to me!

Had to have it one more time. :)

Last Entry for 2007

Well, this has been quite a year for me. I've moved into my brand new home, found new interests and rekindled old ones, made new friends and found old ones again. I've taken the ex to court twice, albeit without much effect, and I've managed to make it on my own even without the child support. I've sent my oldest child off to first grade, and mostly come to terms with the fact that my great-grandmother, at the age of 97, has breast cancer as well as dementia.

I hope that next year will be a better year. I hate my job; so I'm hoping to find a better one. I need the child support payments; so I'm hoping my ex will wise up and start paying. I plan to finish the book I'm writing by summer, and I hope to find a publisher that will like it and want to publish it. I'm also planning to finally lose the extra weight that I've been wanting to lose. I never work out b/c I don't have time; so this year, I'm going to make time. I'm going to make a point of putting myself first sometimes. I always put my kids, my job, the house, everything and everyone else first. While I'm not going to be selfish, I'm going to make at least one night a week just for me. To put the kids to bed a little early, take a bubble bath, give myself a manicure, pedicure, etc., and pamper myself. By making myself feel better, I'll be able to give more to my kids, job, and everything else. I'm going to start wearing make-up regularly again. I'm going to do my meditating more regularly; I've got too much stress and I don't meditate nearly enough to really relieve it.

It's been a good year, but it's also been a rough year. Here's hoping the worst is behind me, and that things will only get better.

To anyone who's reading this, Happy New Year!!

Stupidity and the inability to shut up can be such a beautiful thing

Dear You,

You know, after the last time, I thought you'd learn. And you did. Just not what I thought you'd learn. You've had chance after chance to change, to grow, to learn and to do what's right. Yet still, you persist in continuing on in the same way as before. Is this lack of ability or lack of concern?

I never thought you'd come over and talk to me before we went in. Of course, it shouldn't have surprised me. You're a coward, one that would never have the courage to talk to me if I was standing with friends or family. But because I was standing alone, you gathered up your meager store of courage and approached me. Your reason was that you wanted to know how our children were doing. As I told you they are fine. Not, of course, because of anything you do. Let's be honest here, you do nothing for them. That's why I made you repeat yourself more than once. I couldn't believe you were asking how my children were doing. Yes, I said my children. I do everything, you do nothing, I see no point to giving you any credit whatsoever.

And this is why I pity you even as you anger me, and even as I despise you. You do nothing for them. You have no idea what it is to lie awake each night, thinking and planning how you are going to ensure your children get 3 meals a day though you only have enough money for 2. You don't know how hard it is to watch your child struggle with homework, so desperate to give them the answer, but knowing you must bite your tongue because they'll never learn it if you give them all the answers. You don't know the physical pain of holding back your own tears after your child has misbehaved and you have to take away a much-anticipated sleepover at their grandparents and he stands before you, tears streaming down his face, nose running as he begs you to please change your mind and you tell him once more, no. You don't know how much those things claw at your soul, shredding it inside you!

You've never had to tell him you can't buy him a balloon animal that costs 50 cents, because you just don't have a measly half dollar to spare. You've never had to stay up late to figure out yet another way to make rice or potatoes because you can't afford anything else. You've never borrowed your parents' credit card to buy Christmas presents for the kids because if you didn't, they wouldn't have Christmas unless they starved for the entire month of December.

You don't worry every time you need time off from work that you might come back to find you have no job. You don't plan the ways you'll beg your boss not to fire you before you even tell her you need the time off. But then, that's not a surprise, because you don't want to work, so you probably wouldn't care if they did fire you.

But you know what, that's all okay. Really, it's fine.

Because while you don't do all that, you also don't tuck them into bed each night, smelling the watermelon soap and raspberry shampoo they used at bathtime. You don't kiss their sweet little boy cheeks, and hear their precious little voices say, "I love you" as they also wish you sweet dreams. You don't get the cuddles when they are sick or have a bad dream. You don't get to laugh at all their silly little stories and ideas. You don't get the sheer, uncomparable joy of seeing their amazement when Santa brings them exactly what they want on Christmas, or seeing them look at you like you're some kind of hero, when you fix their favorite toy for the fifth time this month. You don't get the rush of love that comes when you see them come running to you at the end of the work day, so thrilled to see you because they missed you so much while you were gone and they were with the sitter.

You don't get to feel the intense pride I feel when they behave well, or do well in school on an assignment. You don't get to brag about them to anyone who will listen the way I do. You don't get to take any credit whatsoever for the wonderful, good people they will turn out to be someday. That's all mine.

You are missing out on all the special moments in thier lives. You won't have any wonderful, precious, cherished memories to keep you warm when you grow older. You won't have the love and respect of these two precious people who still trust so easily and love so much. You won't have a relationship with them, because you don't have one with them now, and don't want one. And that, You, is precisely why I pity you.

I hate you because you've put me in the position of being a single mother. You've left me to be mother and father to them, to worry and worry constantly about how we'll survive, because you won't contribute to their support. Which is why you're in a small jail cell right now.

But I pity you for all you are missing out on. Things that you don't know and don't care about right now, but when you are old and alone because you've driven everyone away with your selfishness and lazy irresponsibility, you'll care then. You'll look back on these wasted years and you'll taste bitter regret on your tongue.

But so as not to drive the stake in too deeply, let me say it now: I told you so.

Sincerely,
Me



The ex and I were in court this week. He's still not paying, so I moved to have him held in contempt yet again. Sure enough, this time he got 60 days in the county lockup. It's really pretty sad, though. He's got a complete lack of ability to realize how easily he could solve this problem. He comes into court, no job, no money, and seems to think that boyish charm, or in this case, flat rudeness, will get him out of trouble. He admits to the judge that he does absolutely nothing all day, gets caught in more than one lie, and actually has the balls to get an attitude with the judge. As the title says, stupidity and the inability to shut up can be such a beautiful thing sometimes.

But, I do pity him. Not only for the things he's missing out on with my kids. Even before the judge ordered that he be incarcerated, he knew it would happen. He began getting his things together, taking off jewelry and belts and such that he can't have in jail, and asking the bailiffs to give it to his father outside. He knew how to hold his hands for the cuffs, he's gone through this so many times. I pity him for that. I find it so sad that someone I once loved and saw a forever future with has come to this. He knows arrest procedure and incarceration as well as the police officers do, and that is a shame. He's one of those people who has amazing book smarts when he applies himself, but not much common sense, and way too much self-indulgence and laziness for any one person to have.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not getting soft and wanting to go easy on him. That won't happen. My children are entitled to that child support. And since they are unable to fight for themselves, I will fight for them, and I will not stop. I just find it so pathetic that someone who could do good things if he wanted to, just doesn't. He's selfish and arrogant, and if it doesn't do something for him, he doesn't want to do it. How nice it would be if we could all be that way. Ha!

60 days in the county jail. I doubt it will make much of a difference in him. But, I do hope that on Christmas Day, when he gets his meal of whatever they give them in jail (and we all know it's not as nice as what we get at home), that he looks at that meal, and looks around himself at the bare, cold walls and bars of his cell, and at the other inmates around him, and realizes that this doesn't have to be his life. I hope that he realizes what it means to be a man, and lives up to that. I hope that other inmates might come to that same realization as well.

And if he doesn't realize it, then I'm just glad he incriminates himself every time we go to court. Makes my job so much easier.

Being My Whole Self

I watched a movie that I recorded from Lifetime tonight. It was called More of Me, starring Molly Shannon as a mother of twins who wishes there was more of her to go around to her career, twin children, and husband. In classic TV fairy tale fashion, her wish comes true, and out of a 3-panel mirror comes one of her to be the mother, one to be the career woman, and one to be a sex kitten to the hubby. Each of the alter egos end up spinning out of control, and going to extremes in their particular area. By the end of the movie, she realizes that she needs to be "my whole self" in order to be the best person she can be.

The movie was, I think, intended to be a comedy. It certainly was funny. But, it made me think. As a single mother, although all mothers do feel it, I often find myself wishing things were different. When I'm at work, I feel guilty and want to be home taking care of my children. When I'm home with my children b/c they're sick or something, I feel like I'm letting my employer down. And at least twice a day, once at work and once with the kids, I wish for some "me time". I feel as though nothing and no one gets as much of me as they deserve, or need. When I take time for myself, even something as simple as a bubble bath after the kids are in bed and sound asleep, I feel as though something somewhere is being neglected. I'll sit in bubbles up to my neck and think about how I should be in bed, resting for the early morning ahead of me.

But as I watched this movie, I realized that even though I feel as though I'm letting everyone down, I'm not. I need these different parts of myself in order to be what everyone needs. I wouldn't be a good mother if I never had any experiences outside my home and my children. How can they learn anything from me if I have nothing to teach them? And without work, and a little quiet time, I wouldn't appreciate my children as much as I do.

We often focus so much on what we aren't doing for others, what we don't have for them, what we can't do, can't find, can't say. We think more about our perceived failures than our true triumphs. I'm not one of those perky, dimpled smile people that drives everyone nuts with their upbeat attitudes. But I do think that the power of positive thinking has some merit to it. Maybe instead of focusing on what we don't/can't do for our kids, spouse, employer, friend, family member, neighbor, etc., we should focus on what we already do for them.

And there's something else that I had pointed out to me today:

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking , I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

That was sent to me in an e-mail at work. And although you can tell it's meant to be a reminder that children are watching, I think it's something to keep in mind for everyone. I think we all do things that we don't think other people notice, but they do. More than that though, I think we do things for others that we don't realize matter so much to them. A simple thank you for a job well done seems like nothing to us, but the person we're thanking might take that thank you as so much more b/c they're having a bad day, or week, or month.

With those thoughts in mind, and bedtime looming near, I think I'm off to do some guilt-free yoga. And tonight my mantra will be "I can't be what everyone needs unless I am my whole self".