January 28, 2010

I'm a BUG?

"Hey, Mom, I'm a BUG!"


"I'm a BUG."

This conversation would have made much more sense if I'd remembered the letter I read last week about the new program the school is implementing, called BUG, or Bringing Up Grades. It's a reward based program that encourages kids to improve their grades and keep them up.

I forgot this letter, though, and also forgot that report cards were coming home today.

C reminded me, though, and then the conversation made much more sense (which was good, because I couldn't figure out if he wanted to be a cockroach or a beetle, either of which I find creepy.)

So, J brought home the usual: E's & S's. The don't do the A-B-C-D-F thing in Kindergarten. I am, of course, proud of him, as always. Naturally, he's too young to realize that by setting the bar so high right now, he's really screwing himself in the later years. And of course, I'm a just mean enough Mommy that I'm not going to let him in on that little secret.

C's report card just blew me away. He brought his math grade up. I may or may not have mentioned before that C really struggles with math. I think it's inherited. I can't even add 2 + 2 without getting a calculator and having someone double check my work (ok, I'm not that bad, but I'm not much better). He really wrestles with his math and gets very frustrated. So, I was very proud to see that he brought his grade from a D to a C. This may not seem like that big a deal, but any parent who has a child that struggles with a subject knows that this is a huge accomplishment. He has really had to work hard for that one letter improvement, and it is definitely an achievement to be proud of. The funny thing is that he is actually embarassed. He gets this shy little grin and can't look at you if you tell him you're proud of him.

Aside from his math improvement, he also brought his social studies grade from a C to an A, which is another outstanding accomplishment. His science grade went from a B to an A, and his reading grade from a C to a B. Language Arts was the only one that stayed a C.

I am so proud of both of my boys right now. I could not be more thrilled with them at this moment.

Now...if I could just get them to stop with the snarky attitudes....

January 26, 2010

A Rock and A Hard Place

I was given a very vivid reminder of my past this morning, by a friend of mine. Before this morning, I wouldn't have really called her a good friend, since most of our conversations had been somewhat superficial, except for one time when her husband's grandfather shot a cop, but that's a story for another time. Let's just say, Grandpa's nuts and still in jail, and I believe everyone is better off for it.

This morning, though, she followed me to the gas station after we'd dropped the kids off at school to talk to me about signing J up for T-ball, since it's free for first timers this year. I'd have to pay for C to sign up for baseball, and I don't really think I can afford it right now, so I probably won't do it. But we'll see.

But as we stood there talking, she began telling me things about her marriage and her husband that shocked me. She'd always given me the impression that her marriage was pretty good, or at least average.

First, she shocked me by mentioning they hadn't had sex in about 2 years, and that it was his choice, not hers. Lots of couples go through dry spells, though, so that, while it was shocking that it was his doing, I didn't really think much of it. Just kind of felt bad for her that she's not getting any. Then she added that he shows her no affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, kisses, nothing.

That I didn't understand. I could go the rest of my life never having sex again, it's not a huge deal, but if D didn't hold my hand, kiss me, hold me while we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, I couldn't handle that. All those little things show me that he loves me, and they mean much more to me than the words. I love to hear him tell me, absolutely, but it's the little touches, the quick kisses, the squeezes when he hugs me tight that really tell me he loves me. She doesn't even get the words, apparently.

Then, she starts telling me about all these fights they've had lately. And that's when I started thinking about Sperm Donor. She started describing shouting matches at 4am over a simple statement. Normal conversations turning into screamfests. Walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that will piss him off and start a fight. Deciding to make this instead of that for dinner because she knows he won't eat it and will instead throw it away, slam dishes and silverware around as he makes something else and then bitch about how she sits around all day and can't even make a good dinner for him when he gets home from busting his ass all day.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, then she tells me about how she and her sister were signing up the kids for T-ball, and her son was hitting her (playfully). Her sister told him to stop, that hitting Momma wasn't nice. Sister threatened to tell Grandma, and the little boy just laughed. When Sister threatened to tell Daddy, the little boy started bawling and begging her to please not tell Daddy. My friend then mentions that he's terrified of Daddy.

That would have been my boys if I hadn't left Sperm Donor. I'd be her (only the lack of sex would have been my choice), and my boys would be terrified of their father.

When I made a casual comment (to test the waters) about how it sounds like she'd be better off without him, she said it's not better for her son, and then threw in that she has nowhere to go. No family she can stay with, or that would help her anyway. Her husband has told her if she wants to leave, leave. He doesn't care.

I disagree with her that it's not better for her son for her to leave. I think the situation as it is is very unhealthy for this very sweet little boy. For the same reasons that I left Sperm Donor: it gives him the wrong idea of how a man should treat a woman, what a healthy relationship should look like, and frankly, I believe it's only a matter of time before he escalates to something more than just hurtful words and lack of affection. She also mentioned how he yells at her son (that he adopted, by the way) for the slightest little thing, and never shows him any affection. Apparently, her son used to try to hug him, but after getting a quick tap on the arm and a "that's enough" enough times, her son has given up.

She knows some of my history with Sperm Donor. I can't remember exactly how much I told her, because as I said, a lot of our previous conversations were pretty superficial, and I don't give a lot of details to just anyone.

My problem here is what do I do? I want to get her the names of some shelters that will help her leave, get a job, get a place, get back on her feet, if she so chooses. But I know, from having been there myself, that she won't leave until/unless she's ready.

I also know that she could very easily get offended and upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want my kids to lose her son as a friend. If nothing else, I at least want to know that I will see her and her son frequently so that if I something changes, she might talk to me, and I can push her harder or, if necessary, call the cops myself to try to protect her and her son.

So I'm stuck. I feel like I need to help her, but can't. I feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should maybe tell her everything I went through, hoping she'll see the similarity and realize on her own what's going on. But I feel that doing that is likely to put her on the defensive and make her more determined to believe that everything will be fine.

She already knows that she can talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will help her out in any way that I can. I'm hoping that that'll be enough. But I'm really afraid for her now. She has no phone, not even a cell, so she has no way to call anyone for help should something change. Her only real opportunity to seek help is when she takes her son to school. She used to talk to other moms at the school besides me, but from what I can tell, it's only me now. I don't know if that's a choice she made (maybe she senses I'm more willing to listen and help than the others?) or if he's trying to isolate her (the other moms live closer to her than I do).

I never thought that any real good would come from my failed marriage, except my kids. Yes, I learned a few things about relationships and what I do and don't want from them. But that only benefits me, really. Or so I thought. If I can just figure out how to approach her, maybe more good will come from it than I thought.

January 23, 2010

Am I the only one?

I belong to a website for moms. It used to be a really helpful, compassionate website where a mom, new or not, could go and ask a question and get useful answers. Criticism was constructive and intended to help, not to completely tear you down and make you feel worthless.

That site has started to devolve into...well, it's devolved. We'll just put it that way.

Often, women would have questions about their relationships. As one mom on there said, "I want to find out if what my husband and I are going through is normal, but I don't want my mom, or his mom, or my best friend, to know that we're dealing with it." The site used to be a way you could compare your relationship to others and find out that yes, this stage in a relationship is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it, and we're going to be fine.

The questions eventually just got...well, pathetic. Women wanting other women to tell them if they should stay or leave after their husband/significant other/boyfriend (whatever title they want to give him...some of them change it weekly, it seems) has cheated, hit them, hit their child, stolen something, kept a secret, lost money gambling/doing drugs/on a hooker (hey, I've seen it on there!), or because his mother drives her nuts with her advice, sarcasm, criticism, or need to take over everything. Some of the reasons they want to leave are just silly, and others I just don't understand how they don't already KNOW they should leave. (example: "My husband has cheated on me 16 times, twice with my sister, 3 times with my best friend, and I caught him having a threesome with my mom and my grandma. Should I leave?" And NO, I am not making that up! I might have the numbers a little off, but it was a real question.)

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been in a bad marriage and gotten out of it, and learned a few things from it. The first of those things being what I won't tolerate from a man. I love D to death, and I have absolutely no intention of ever ending our relationship, but there are some things that if he ever did them, I'd be getting rid of him without thinking twice. If he ever laid a hand on me, if he ever hurt my child (beyond a simple spanking or hurt feelings because they're in trouble), if he started doing drugs, drinking too much, if we were living together or married and he was taking money needed to support our home and our family to spend on drugs, gambling, or whatever, those are all things I'd get rid of him for. Cheating...I've always said that after Sperm Donor, I'd leave the first time. Honestly, though, I love D, and I think he loves me enough that if he DID cheat, he'd probably feel incredibly guilty and not do it again. So....I think if he cheated, I'd probably give him one more chance, but with a very clear "you better not hide a damn thing from me ever again" policy. In fact, if he cheated, he'd probably choose to leave me because I'd be so demanding of what he'd have to do to prove to me I could trust him again.

But what really confuses me is that so many of these women are in these relationships, and if you go by their questions, they are just absolutely miserable. And when you read the questions, or look at their profile, the stuff they are so upset about is stuff that he has always done (or not done). Why would you marry someone, or have kids with him, if you already knew he was like this? If I'd known before I married him that Sperm Donor was a lying, cheating piece of crap who was going to do everything he could to ruin my self esteem and ignore my kids...yeah, I wouldn't have touched him with a 50 foot pole. And what's even worse, is that the stuff they get upset over is often silly stuff. No, cheating is not silly. Losing money gambling or on drugs or whatever is not silly. But asking if you should leave him because he didn't take the garbage out the last two times you asked him to (Are your hands broken? Take it out yourself)? Or because he's always on the computer (so why don't you read a book, or watch TV? Does he really have to be your entertainment every minute of the day? He'll get off the computer in a little while and then you'll spend time together. If he's truly addicted and ALWAYS on it, that's one thing, but an hour a day? Not a big deal), or he smokes (make him go outside to smoke)? These are not relationship ending issues, in my opinion anyway.

That's the other thing I learned from my bad marriage. As annoying as certain habits may be, they are not something worth ending the relationship. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could sit here and think of reasons to end my relationship. They'd all be petty, nitpicky things, but I could sit here and list things that *could* drive me nuts about him. And I'm pretty sure that he could do the same thing about me. He's not perfect, and neither am I. But I love him, and I'd rather focus on the things that I do love about him, than concentrate on the things I don't love so much. I'd rather be happy with him. And I love him so much I even try to turn the less than wonderful things into positive. So, he snores...at least if I hear him snoring, well (a) he's there with me (always a plus), and (b) at least I know he's still alive.

And when I tried to tell one woman that when she complained that she was thinking of leaving her husband because on the two nights a week (he works nights) he's home, she doesn't sleep well thanks to his snoring, she told me I needed to "take off my rose colored glasses" and that my relationship would never last.

I disagree with her. I think that when you focus on the bad, that's when your relationship won't last. How can it, if you're always thinking negatively about the other person, and therefore making yourself unhappy? I think by ignoring the things that aren't quite so endearing and thinking of the things that are, it sets us up with a better chance of making it work. And besides, I really don't think that his cigarette and red bull breakfast habit is worth living my life without him. I won't deny that if he wanted to give them up, I'd be thrilled, but it's just not a relationship ender for me.

I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the good in their relationships, in their spouses/significant others. Why do we always have to look at the negative stuff? Why can't we just ignore that, and focus on what's good about them, and good about the relationship?

I think I'm going to leave that website, because it's just gotten to be too depressing lately. Every now and then, I come across a good question, or at least one I can answer that makes me feel good about answering it, but the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good.

Ok...now that that's out of my system. :)

Last night, C & J were running around outside while my parents and I sat around talking. Peter Pan has been kennelled for...probably close to a year now, due to his inability to stop tearing things up. We let him out to run around when someone is out there to supervise him, but otherwise he's in the kennel. He likes to try to dig his way out. We improvised some chainlink fencing on the bottom of the kennel to stop that. So, now, he likes to try to chew his way out. Last night, C came tearing around the corner from the kennel area.

"Grandpa, Peter Pan is chewing on the kennel again!"


"No, Grandpa, really!"

"Fine. I'll go check on it in a minute."

"No, Grandpa, he's doing some really impressive work!"

Impressive work? My mother and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. At least now I know that regardless of what else he does or doesn't learn in school, at least he's getting a pretty good vocabulary...and the ability to use it correctly.

January 19, 2010

Since you didn't hear me the first THREE times...

I moved in with my parents in November, Thanksgiving weekend in fact. Ugh. Have I mentioned this living situation is not much fun?

Anyway, when we were in our old house, we had a certain satellite DISH company providing us with our TV entertainment. Well, when there weren't any clouds in the sky over India, we had TV. So, after moving in with my parents, I called that company, and told them I had moved and wanted to disconnect my service and cancel my account. At that time, I told them that they needed to send the final bill and the boxes for the equipment they wanted back to my new address. The man I spoke with was very nice and confirmed he'd entered my new address into my account info.

Two weeks or so later...I get a forwarded notice in the mail that UPS tried to deliver the boxes to my old house. Hmm...well, ok. Maybe UPS messed up. The driver for our area knew where I lived, maybe he didn't know I moved. Oh, no, wait...yep, says right here they didn't deliver them because I moved. So....I call the DISH company and tell the woman I speak to very nicely that they made a mistake and could she please help me correct this? Well, she discovers that the first guy screwed up and put the new address on my parents cancelled account. Apparently, it's hard to tell my name, which starts with a W, apart from my mother's name, which starts with a D. Hey, they both have 5 letters...I get it, it's confusing.

So, this lady gets it all straightened out, and assures me that a new set of boxes are on their way, to my NEW address, and that they will give me an extension on the time to return the equipment.

About a week later, the boxes arrive...left at the old house. With the old address on them. Must have had a substitute driver that day, who didn't know I moved. Lucky for all of us I happened to drive by the old house that day, or the boxes would have rotted in the rain we've had since then.

I bring the boxes home, and get ready to put the equipment in them, so I can slap the prepaid return shipping label on it and send it back. Except...there's no prepaid shipping label. Wonderful.

Keeping in mind that this is now roughly 3 weeks to a month AFTER I first called and informed them of my move and new address, I call them again. You know what I really hate about the stupid voice response systems? They don't generally respond that well to your voice. After getting disconnected I don't even know how many times, I FINALLY get through to someone.

He is very nice, and more than happy to print out my shipping label. Only...he's not sure how to do it, can he put me on hold for just a moment? Sure, no problem. Boy, was THAT the wrong response. He comes back to tell me that he can't print it out, but he can give me the address, and the RMA that I need to return it, and I just take it to UPS and have them create a label.

Ok, that's cool, but...um, if I have to take this to UPS, and have them create a label, doesn't that mean I have to pay for it? Well, yes. OK....why wasn't I told this before? New policy, started this week.

Wait a minute. I called a month ago to get this done, so it seems to me that this new policy shouldn't apply to me. If they hadn't screwed up, the equipment would have been returned long before this new policy took effect.

Oh, but no...that's not how it works. After close to an hour arguing with this customer service rep, his boss, and someone in the account retention dept, I'm ready to borrow one of my dad's or D's guns and start hurting people (in retrospect, making this call while I had raging PMS might not have been the best idea!), when they put me through to someone in the executive office who proceeds to...lie his ass off to me. He claimed to be e-mailing me the shipping labels and all I have to do is print them and tape them to the box.I had to give him my name, e-mail address, phone number, and once again, my new address. That was around New Year's...and it's Jan. 19th. I've yet to see this e-mail. Apparently it's taking the scenic route.

Oh, but it gets better. Because yesterday, my parents drove by the old house on their way home and found a little UPS InfoNotice stuck to the door. Apparently, yesterday was UPS's second attempt to deliver something from...guess who? That's right! That unnamed DISH company. And as if all that wasn't enough to make me want to hurt someone again, the InfoNotice tells me to go to the UPS website and I can make alternate delivery arrangements.

Sounds easy, right? Yeah...not so much. I've tried 4 times, and it says it can't do it. So, I've decided they can throw the delivery off a cliff, and I will be just fine with that. I've considered calling that DISH company and once again correcting my address, but since I would start out with "Since you didn't hear me the first 3 times..." and end with a whole lot of 4 letter words that probably aren't really appropriate for general conversation, I'm thinking that might not be the way to go.

I mean, really, what are they going to do to me? Charge my card for the equipment? It's a debit card on a bank account I closed over a year ago. Go ahead and try. Put it on my credit report? Fine, I'll dispute it. You wouldn't send me the shipping labels, you didn't give me an address, you kept sending stuff to my old address, which I technically am no longer allowed on the property, since I no longer own it. What exactly should I do?

Needless to say, when I move out again, I will NOT be getting service from this DISH company. I think I will make sure I can get cable wherever I live. In fact, I think I'll save myself a lot of headaches, and just let D handle cable or satellite or whatever we get for TV. Yeah, I think that's a very good idea. Of course, I should probably ask him first. Or bribe him. Yeah, bribing would probably be the best way here. Now, to figure out what to bribe him WITH...

The kids didn't have school yesterday, so I took them outside to play earlier than usual. We came in after a bit, because it was cold and I wanted hot cocoa. They did, too, but mainly me. You want to know how to really annoy your kid? Here's a tried and true method:

We come in, and C comes around the kitchen counter and crouches down, while J is still in the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Hiding from J." C whispers.

"Well, it's not going to work real well hiding on the other side of the counter." I respond, loud enough for J to hear if he's listening.

C gets up and goes to crouch between two big chairs we have in the living room.

"He'll find you hiding between those two chairs too."

C gets up and goes in his bedroom. He grabs the closet door as he heads into the closet.

"He'll probably find you in the closet in your room, too."

"He's going to find me if you keep telling him where I'm hiding!" C cries with much exasperation and frustration.

Well, I don't know about him, but I had fun with that little game of hide and seek...or was it hide and tell? Ehh..who cares, I had fun.

January 16, 2010

How a dropped call saved my relationship

So, D has been home and gone. After he left, I...I don't know, kind of fell into a little depression I guess. As I've mentioned in much earlier posts on this blog, my ex left me with a lot of issues. Until D, those issues hadn't really posed much of a problem. I never got close enough to any man for them to become a problem.

D, however, is different. He makes me feel loved and important and as though I matter. He makes me laugh. He laughs even if my joke or sarcasm isn't really that funny. He laughs at me when I do something stupid or goofy, and I don't mind it. I never realized until I met him how important laughter is to a relationship. I think it's probably almost as important as love and trust. I trust him. I trust him not to cheat, not to lie, not to hide things from me. I trust him with my children, not only to not harm them but to protect them. We talked about a lot of things, a lot of personal things, over the time that we got to know each other before we ever even met, and developed a sort of closeness. We got closer after we met and started dating. We talked about so many things, a lot of them pretty personal, and it always felt right. It never felt forced, or like I was telling him something because I had to. I was telling him things because I wanted to.

And the first few weeks, I was fine with how close we were becoming, had become. But he left this last time, and I don't know what happened to me, but suddenly I was just drowning in a sea of doubts. Not about him, really, just kind of hanging off of him, in a way. If that makes sense. I began to have thoughts like there is just no way this man can really love me and want to be with me. Thinking it was only a matter of time before he'd break up with me. Taking something I'd *think* I heard in his voice and deciding it meant he was about to tell me it was over. Waiting for a phone call and thinking that since he hadn't called yet, he must be trying to figure out how to tell me it was over. A dropped call, in my head, was him hanging up because he'd decided I was too much trouble and way too high maintenance for him to deal with, and therefore my unanswered calls were not because he had no signal, but because he was avoiding me.

The reality of the dropped call is that a few moments prior to it being dropped, he'd said something that mildly hurt my feelings, and I'd gone silent on him, not to give him the silent treatment but because I was hurt and just really didn't know what to say. Just before the call dropped, I thought I heard him sigh, and the next thing I knew, the call was gone. I waited for him to call back, as he usually does at that time of day, but he didn't. I tried to call him back, it rang and rang until the voicemail picked up. I left a couple of messages, and then tried again later, and it went straight to voicemail, no ringing at all. He had no signal. That was it; just no signal.

In my head, it was he'd hung up on me because he was sick of me not talking to him about what was on my mind. He was not answering my calls because he didn't want to talk to me until he'd figured out how to tell me it was over. And it stopped ringing and started going straight to voicemail because he'd turned the phone off to avoid me.

That dropped call was what made me realize that I needed to stop this. That dropped call probably saved our relationship from the horrible attempted murder I was committing on it. I convinced myself in a matter of minutes that he'd hung up on me and was then avoiding me. I realized, in that moment, that I love this man more than anyone except my children, and certainly more than I've ever loved any other man. In that moment, I realized that if I lost him, and especially if I lost him due to my own stupid refusal to just tell him how I feel, that I would lose everything that mattered to me, except my kids.

I agonized over an email in which I laid out all of my feelings. The love I feel for him, the raging doubts I'd been having and trying desperately to not tell him out of fear he'd tell me I was right. I sent that email, positive that it was much too late to salvage our relationship and that I only had myself to blame for the broken heart I was about to have.

An hour or two after I sent that email, the phone rang. "Well, I finally have a signal again." he said. My heart skipped numerous beats as I realized that once again, my doubts and fears were unfounded. Of course, I'd already sent an email, so it was best to confess what I'd been thinking, since once he read the email, he'd know anyway.

So, I confessed to him that I thought he'd hung up on me. "Why would I do that?" he asked, and he was genuinely confused. And that was when I had my next realization. This man truly loves me, truly wants to be with me and has absolutely no intention of going anywhere.

I was putting distance between us, with all my doubts and fears. I wasn't doing it on purpose, in fact, it was the last thing I wanted. I want to be close to him. He called me on the distance. Flat out told me I was doing it. My first instinct was to deny that I was doing it, except...I thought about it and realized that, although it was completely unintentional and not done on a conscious level, I was indeed putting distance between us. I had a good reason, so I thought: I was hoping, with distance between us, that it might hurt just a little less when he broke up with me, as I was so certain he was going to do.

I've now realized I can't do that. I can't put distance between us in hopes of protecting my heart. Our relationship will never work if I keep him at arm's length. I'm good at sharing my feelings here, because I'm pretty much anonymous and no one knows it's me. You might pass me on the street tomorrow, and you'll never know I wrote this and I'll never know you read it.

Now I just have to start sharing my feelings with him. And I will. It'll be a struggle. And knowing me, he'll probably have to point out to me, a few more times, that I'm doing it again so that I can stop. But I'm going to try really hard to stop trying to hide and protect myself from a breakup that, in reality, is probably never going to happen. I know he loves me, and I'm pretty sure he's hoping for the same future together that I am, even though my fears often get in the way.

We're not there yet, but we are getting back to where we were before. Our conversations are finally beginning to flow as they used to, I'm laughing with him again. I'm feeling closer to him again. And I realized just how much I was missing all that while I was busy with a steak knife trying to kill our relationship in my head. I know now that we're going to be ok. It's probably not the last time this'll happen, nor is it probably the worst thing we'll deal with, but we'll deal with that as it comes. I never wanted us to break up, and I've finally realized that he doesn't either, no matter what my insecurities try to tell me.

And yes, I know, some of you that read this regularly are sitting there going, "WTF? She never gets like this! I don't read this blog to read this crap, I want to read about how much fun she has with D, or what C & J have done lately, or her latest plot to murder the ex? Where the hell did that stuff go?" Don't worry...I'm not going to be all depressed and emotional from now on.

I know I frequently try to post funny stuff, or turn the serious stuff into something somewhat funny, but my life isn't always that funny. And sometimes the crap I deal with just can't be turned into a joke. I nearly killed my relationship with D, and there's nothing funny about that. But lest you think that we're perfect, I figured I'd let you in on that little secret.

And just to show you that I can still make you laugh, here you go:

C got something called "Aquasaurs" for Christmas. They are basically sea monkeys that are very similar to dinosaurs. You put the eggs in water, the Aquasaurs hatch, and you have little shrimp like things swimming around in the water a few days later. We finally got around to doing this the day before yesterday. Yesterday, some had hatched. Well, first of all, C named one Swimmy. J named another Stoppergoer (don't ask me...I just relate the info.). Well, they have to be kept in water that is between 72 and 80 degrees.

Bedtime tonight...C is looking at the tank. Here's our conversation:

"Mom, it's 76."

"That's fine, C."

"But, Mom, it can't get above 80."

"I know, C. It'll be fine."

"But, Mooommmm, if it gets above 80, they'll diiieee!!!"

"C, I promise you, it's fine. It's only 76. They'll be fine."

"But, Mooommm...what if it gets above 80 while we're in bed tonight?"

"I'm sure it won't."

"But what if it does?"

"It won't."

"I think I should stay up and make sure."

"Uh, yeah, I don't think so. Let's go to bed."

"No, Mom, I really think I should stay up and make sure it stays below 80."

"Look, C, that's not going to happen. But let's say I let you stay up, and it goes above 80. What are you going to do about it?"

Blank look and total silence.

"Well, I didn't say I would do anything about it. I just said I should stay up and make sure it doesn't happen." Hops off the stool and stomps to the bedroom.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to call a certain cell phone company and tell them how their bad coverage in one state saved my relationship and thank them for that sucky service. And then I need to call D and tell him again that I love him.

The man deserves a medal for putting up with me.

January 8, 2010

Clearly I'm still being lazy...

Since the last time I blogged was right after D was home, and here I am, blogging again right after he's been home.

So, D was home for my birthday. Made my day. I love that man so much. His birthday present to me was to change my operating system on the computer. I am no longer using Windows, and I couldn't be happier about that. It's definitely different than what I am used to, but I still like it much better.

We went out to dinner at Chili's for my birthday, using a gift card that my parents gave to us for Christmas. Is it really cheesy and pathetic that I am keeping the little gift card holder that the card came in because it was the first gift anyone gave to both of us in our relationship? Ok, yeah, dumb question. I know it's cheesy, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Anyway, back to my story. We went out to dinner at Chili's and it was really nice. It was nice to spend some time alone with him, and yet be out doing something at the same time. Plus I did need a break from the family. I love the kids to death, and I love my parents, too, but sometimes I just need to get away. And it was nice to get away with D.

He was also over for dinner last night, and then we watched a movie together after the kids went to bed. Then, of course, we had to say our goodbyes as he had to leave today. That was hard. I hate saying goodbye to him. Three weeks never felt so long until I met him. Now it seems like forever.

I think some of that may be because I know how unhappy he is with his current job. He loves what he does, but right now he really hates it. He's not getting enough miles, so he's not making any real money. He's constantly stressed and miserable, and there's nothing I can do to make it better. He was already starting to stress and get tense last night while we were watching the movie, and by this morning, he was (I think) as tense as he was before he got home. I keep trying to nudge him into calling some other companies and checking into making a move, but he hasn't done it. And I don't want to push too hard and seem like a nag or like I'm trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Whatever decision he makes, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, I will support him. But I want him to be happy. And I think he knows as well as I do that it's not going to happen where he's at now. He started with this company 4.5 yrs ago, when he first started driving, with the intention of retiring from it. I can understand how hard it is to let go of that idea, but I also see what it's doing to him to stay there, and that kills me. This is the one part of being in a relationship that I forgot about...having to watch the man you love be unhappy, and not being able to do anything about it.

C & J had a great Christmas. They loved the legos that D bought for them. They have, in fact, played with them more than any other gift they got for Christmas. And they got quite a bit of really awesome stuff. Heck, they got stuff that I want to play with!

D loved what I got him. I got him a Zippo lighter engraved with his initials and some lovey dovey sentiments. Of course, once I got my gift from him, I kinda feel like it wasn't enough, even though I put tons of thought into it. He got me a gorgeous stand mixer. This thing is just....oh, wow. That's all I can say. 6 qt bowl, major power. I've made carrot cake and chocolate chip cookies so far using it, and I'm in absolute heaven.

The boys are back in school. They went back on Monday. It's been a rough week. Monday night J was wild. It was almost like someone drugged him at school, he just could not calm down no matter what. Screaming, yelling, carrying on. As the week went on, he got better, thankfully. As much as I loved them being home, getting to spend more time with them, being able to sleep past the crack of dawn, I am glad they're back in school. I can start working on getting the house back into some sort of order, and I get a little bit of me time while they're at school. I can get things done online, read, try to figure out how to get a job when there are no jobs to be had.

Things are settling back to normal. Hopefully I'll start posting a little more often. Or not. Who knows? :)